Ten Statements About....THE BLOB (1988)

"Hey...someone threw up in the center aisle...a LOT!"

“All I saw was an old man with a funky hand, that's all I saw."
“The thing on that man's hand killed him and then it killed Paul, and whatever it is, it's getting bigger!”

1) Jeez, Chuck Russell....you sure take your time with starting this party.  That first couple of scenes start out sooooo slowly that I almost gave up on it.  Luckily I remember liking it when I saw it in college because things pick up.

2) I have to give this film props for the sheer ruthlessness of its body count.  While I certainly understand the Janet-Leigh-ification of Donovan Leitch’s Paul, I did not expect the film to follow through with the murder of a number of supporting characters I expected to see last the night--including one child!

3) Maybe it’s me, but I never quite bought Kevin Dillon (who, oddly enough, looks like what would happen if Kevin Bacon and Matt Dillon had a child) as the rebel Brian.  It’s obvious that he is aping Steve McQueen from the original, but there’s something missing that robs him of that quality.

4) I always thought Shawnee Smith was hella cute, but I’m struck by how, even at this early juncture,

Scream, Shawnee Smith...scream like the wind!

she has some real acting skill.  Meg could have been a nothing, cliched character, but Smith does give her life, nuance, and something of a backbone.  As such, she manages to cover for Dillon’s shortcomings and becomes the de facto central character.

5) This film’s major twist would never have worked without Joe Seneca.  Seneca plays Dr. Meadows very, very cagily; I love how, as we peel away the layers to find out what he truly is, we never quite lose the kindly doctor we first meet--and that makes him all the scarier.

6) And speaking of that twist--while I will certainly agree that it’s a reflection of the times in which this remake was made, I do think it’s a great swerve for people familiar with the original, and is another sign of All Bets Being Off.

7) God bless the 80‘s for giving us a horror film that focuses primarily on teenage characters with enough grue and grotesqueness that it garners an R rating.  You know that the studios would never allow that to stand today.  And speaking of the grotesqueness...

There' a phallic symbol joke just begging to be told here....

8) Given that we’re talking about the era of practical effects, this Blob is seriously scary.  It’s got an even more organic look than the original that’s positively disturbing.  Sure, there are a couple of clunky shots (including the one that was used on the film’s posters), but overall there’s a sense of immediacy to the creature.  Even when it switches to being somewhat obviously blue-screened in, it evokes fond memories of Ray Harryhausen.

9)  You know, I sometimes balk at how some horror films aren’t horror films, but are action movies with horror elements.  An argument can be made that this film slides into an action movie with horror elements in the third act...and yet, thanks to the script by Russell and Frank Darabont, I did not mind it.  Hell, I loved the way it sort of mimicked those 50‘s sci-fi films where it boils down to man beating the crap out of a giant monster.

10) Even though the small town is pretty much a cipher--I don’t think the place is even named--but the casting of some major character actors like Candy Clark, Art La Fluer and the great Del Close in key roles help flesh out the world by giving the populace a life of its own.

Overall...a fun, effective and gruesome update on a classic B-movie that’s been unjustly forgotten.

Ten Statements About....MELROSE PLACE (2009)

1) Starting the series with the murder of Laura Leighton's Sydney is actually a pretty clever conceit--it's a macabre way of 'passing the torch' from the original cast to the new one, and the flashbacks assure us that Sydney is still a part of the story...unless, of course, Syd's going to pull a Kimberley somewhere down the line.

2) That being said...Sydney looks mightily well-preserved for someone who is portrayed as a long-term drug abuser.

3) 'Inspired by the screenplay by Darren Star'? What the fuck does that even <i>mean</i>?

Lady, I know Heather Locklear...and you are no Heather
Locklear

4) Someone needs to sit Katie Cassidy down and explain that she needs to make her Ella into something other than a slavish impersonation of Heather Locklear's Amanda. Because, you know, no one is Heather Locklear. Except Heather Locklear.

5) It's really weird how Slavkin and Swimmer seems to have taken all the personality traits of the original cast and tossed them all up into the end, mixing-and-matching them to come up with their new cast. It's like 'let's take the caring sensitivity of Matt, the naivete of Allison and the earnestness of Jo for Dr. Lauren Yung (who is played by the Asian actress with the most un-Asian name of all time). Right now they seem to be more a collection of quirks rather than actual, you know, characters?

6) Perhaps the truest statement ever said by a person about herself: Ashlee Simpson, playing the Jane stand-in, calling herself a CHUD (My theory has always been that Mr. Simpson went to the pound to get a puppy for Jessica, and accidentally picked up Ashlee)

7) There is a decidedly strange sense of deja vu when both Lauren's and Riley's storylines unfold--as I swore they were derived almost whole from storylines done with Jo and Allison in the original series.

8) Yes, the original series was a forerunner in using pop music to comment on the storylines...but that pilot goes to the well one too many times, and frequently uses the wrong song. I mean, okay, we understand that Lauren's in deep financial trouble, but...Lily Allen's 'The Fear'? Do you even know what that song is about, Slavkin and Swimmer?

9) I know that it's now de riguer for a series to forgo a title sequence--but damnit, not having a title sequence like the original series, with the cast and the pictures scrolling by, is wrong...especially given how generic all the younger actors are.

"Why yes, there's a press clipping in my attic where the photo
looks really, really haggard and old...why do you ask?"

10) With all the problems I had with it...I still marked out when the camera dollied in on the apartment complex's pool in imitation of the original's establishing shot, and again when my favorite character from the original series, Dr. Michael Mancini (apparently played by the Dorian-Grey-like Thomas Calabro) drove up.

Overall...I have a sinking feeling about this version of one of my favorite shows...but this is only the pilot, so I will give it a few more episodes. But I suspect I shan't be watching much longer than that.