Ten Statements About....DOCTOR WHO STORY SIXTY-NINE: THE GREEN DEATH (1973)

"Niiiiiiiiiiiiightmare fuel!"

"Perhaps it's all for the best."
"The Best? I think you'll find, Mr. Yates, that this is the worst day's work the world has seen for many, many years."

1) Oh. My. God. Is this thing preachy. Writer Robert Sloman seems so much more interested in talking about alternative fuels and the evils of corporate pollution and All The Things That Was In The Air Circa 1969 (never mind that it's some four years later) that the actual story frequently falls by the wayside...when it's not revealing itself to be much of a story at all. Like other 'issue' serials like The Sun Makers (Taxes are wrong!), the message gets in the way of what we want to watch Doctor Who for in the first place.

2) As someone who hates Jo Grant, you'd think I'd be happy to see the back of her...if only so much of this six episode serial is taken up by the romcom bullcrap that is Jo and her romance with Professor Clifford Jones, played by Katy Manning's then-boyfriend Stuart Bevan. From their awful 'meet cute' to the artificial 'complications to the stunningly bad endangerment sequence for the Professor in the last two episodes, this is a legendarily awful outgoing character arc in a series known for its awful outgoing character arcs. And a large part of why it's awful is because it takes up so much of the serial itself--take out the romance, and you've got a four, maybe even a three part story. For that matter....

"Here, Jo--I got you this crappy plastic crystal thing as
your wedding present."

3) Even taking out the Jo/Cliff romance, this serial is stretched out. As with all the six-parters I've rewatched so far, there are episodes that boil down to one thing that really doesn't contribute much to the story as a whole. Hell, episode two is literally all about The Doctor and The Brig searching for cutting equipment. If John Nathan-Turner did one thing right (he did a couple, to be fair), it was his abolishing of the six part structure when he became the producer several years later.

4) In critiquing past Barry Letts produced serials, I've been critical of their use of rural stereotypes. Maybe it's because this story is more obsessed with corporate stereotypes (which we'll discuss in a moment), but the rural types in this serial are much more successfully. They're more fully fleshed out, and a couple of them are actually pretty damn smart. And I especially appreciate how they may not approve of 'The Nut Hatch'--Professor Jones' commune--but they do accept them.

There are times like these when you wish your so-called
hero would just expire...but then we'd be left with the
annoying, squeaky doll-baby....

5) As with most Who serials, the special effects are a hit-and-miss thing. The long shot of the giant, disease-infected maggots (the 'Green Death' of the title) that are obviously tinted rice being knocked off a mound of dirt are pretty hilarious in their ineptness...but the more detailed models, apparently made from condoms and fox skulls, are really disquieting, especially when they snarl.

6) ...but that giant, ummm, dragonfly that one of these maggots morphs into is really, really silly looking. The damn thing looks like a pipe cleaner insect, and the fact that said insect chases The Brig and Sargent Benton around for the bulk of an episode....it's dire.

7) Of course, supposedly the major villain of this story is B.O.S.S., of whom I am not entirely happy with. While I really like the voice reading given B.O.S.S. by John Dearth, which has a lot of humor and nuance, the fact is this is another computer-gaining-sentient-evil. Not only is computers-gaining-sentient-evil a trope that was tired even back in 1973 (hell, I covered a more primitive version of B.O.S.S. in The War Machines), but the presence of this figure just doesn't contribute a damn thing. You don't need evil computers to foul up the environment!

8) And while we're on the subject--after five episodes of B.O.S.S. acting all chummy and corporate-y, we get this extremely rushed 'I wanna be Colossus: the Forbin Project' plot that gets literally shoved into episode six. It once again emphasizes how thin this story is, and is nothing more than a scrabbling to tie up all those loose ends with a lot of running around and explosions.

9) Look, I can buy the Pertwee Doctor getting all pally with Professor Jones. What I don't buy is how quickly and easily The Brig comes over to the side of The Hippie Tree Huggers (or in this case, Fungus Growers). It seems to me that this is Robert Sloman's sensibilities bleeding through to the point where already established characters are acting contrary to how they've been established as acting.

10) I suppose I should say a few words about the whole Metabelis 3 thing that takes up a large part of episode one, becomes a key gewgaw to defeating B.O.S.S. and is brought back to help finish another interminable serial, Planet of The Spiders. It...well, it is what it is, a plot device....although I think the whole Metabelis 3 sequence seems another attempt to stretch things out to unreasonable ends, especially given how the whole things seems built up just so we can get a lame punchline.

Overall...I know a lot of people hold this serial in high regard, but this is a bloated and sanctimonious serial that seems more interested in pushing its agenda on us rather than telling a good Doctor Who serial. Even dumping one of my least favorite companions does little to make me appreciate it.

Ten Statements About....DOCTOR WHO STORY TWENTY-SEVEN: THE WAR MACHINES (1966)

"Raaaahr!  I's a MONSTA!"

"You are an enemy of mechanized evolution. Nothing must be allowed to prevent the machines taking over. They are the next stage of the growth of the life force on Earth. All obstacles will be swept aside--including you."

1) Hmmm....there's something missing from this story--oh, yes, The Doctor! Hartnell appears in maybe twenty minutes of this serial, mainly by sitting around extrapolating with his friend Sir Charles. The bulk of the heavy lifting is done by Michael Craze's Ben and loads and loads of stock footage of the titular War Machines rumbling around London.

2) And speaking of those War Machines--Ye Gods, these are some of the most craptacular monsters I've seen. They come off as gigantic refrigerator containers leaning at an angle with some of the most unconvincing weaponry mounted on the front. Plus they move slower than a turtle and are accompanied by a jangly electronic beeping that is just designed to put your teeth on edge.

3) This is the last serial to feature Jackie Lane as DoDo--and after seeing this, I prolly should never grumble about the terrible outros given later companions like Leela and Peri again. For, you see, thanks to Ms. Lane's contract expiring mid-story, DoDo is literally packed off to the country and never seen again. She is mentioned in a line of dialogue by Polly, but still....

4) Wotan is not the only human controlling computer we're going to meet on this journey--but he's gotta be the stupidest. While there is some rumbling about Wotan wanting to connect up with every other master computer in the world and fashioning it into a sort of Forbin Project-esque controlling body, all it seems to be concerned with is building those silly-ass refrigerator carton monsters and sending them out to smash things. And it doesn't even bother to make the refrigerator carton monster's operating system complicated enough that the Doctor can't hack it and turn it into the weapon of its destruction.

"This is what I'm reduced to fighting?  I fought Daleks,
young man...DAAAALEKS!"

5) And speaking of Wotan, what was the whole point of the Post Tower setting? Even though there is some twittering about this new urban fixture in the middle of London, Wotan's plan, well, doesn't really need the Post Tower at all. I suspect that Wotan is using the Tower's numerous broadcast relays to exert its mental influence on London proper, but it's never clearly stated.

6) I know this might be a real nit-picky thing for me to say, but it set my teeth on edge every single time one of the characters refers to Hartnell specifically as 'Doctor Who.' Supposedly this is the only serial where this happens, and boy does it stick out like a sore thumb.

7) I think I might've been more impressed with the Refrigerator Carton Monsters if a) the special effects department had built more than one of them, and b) the scenes in Part Four of said Monster rampaging didn't occur on a nearly empty street. Hell, the only casualties that occur throughout the serial are people controlled by Wotan who are literally fed to the RCMs, a stray bum, and a guy in a phone booth. Very unimpressive for a creature designed by Wotan to take over entire cities.

Yes, I would watch Anneke Wills make these kind of
faces all day...they're so entertaining....

8) This is the first appearance of Anneke Wills (who was one of the other finalist up for the role of Susan before Verity Lambert settled on Carole Ann Ford) as Polly, a swinging 60's dollybird. The thing that strikes me about Wills is not her looks--obviously the reason she Wills was cast--but the rubbery quality of her face. It's actually quite expressive, and Wills pulls some wonderfully comedic faces at times that's really endeared me to her...which I guess is fortunate, given how little she actually gets to do.

(and I will not mention how she has a rather uncanny resemblance to my niece Jessica...)

9) And on the other side we get Michael Craze's cockney sailor Ben....and I don't know what to make of him. It's obvious that at this point the male companion is now just here to hit things, which is a step down from Ian and Steven. And yet there's this weird sorta screwball comedy chemistry between Craze and Wills, with the same sort of hints of a relationship in the offing. I might not have reacted to Ben as enthusiastically if he was introduced earlier, or if her was paired off with a different companion, but him in tandem with Polly makes for some promise.

10) And the thing that at turns amazed and infuriated me the most? This serial, while written by Ian Stuart Black, was based on a story by Kit Pedlar. Pedlar was a noted futurist who specialized in cybernetics and was concerned about the increasing computerization of the world. Thankfully, after this hamfisted, ineptly constructed tale, Pedlar will be paired up with much more compatible writer Gerry Davis and create one of the Whoniverse's Trinity of Terror, The Cybermen.

Overall....a sad, sad little serial that's difficult to get through and badly constructed. Add into the fact that there are several thoroughly awful moments, including the reveal of the monster and the sudden disappearance of a companion, and you've got a serial to avoid.