Ten Statements About....DOCTOR WHO STORY SIXTY-NINE: THE GREEN DEATH (1973)

"Niiiiiiiiiiiiightmare fuel!"

"Perhaps it's all for the best."
"The Best? I think you'll find, Mr. Yates, that this is the worst day's work the world has seen for many, many years."

1) Oh. My. God. Is this thing preachy. Writer Robert Sloman seems so much more interested in talking about alternative fuels and the evils of corporate pollution and All The Things That Was In The Air Circa 1969 (never mind that it's some four years later) that the actual story frequently falls by the wayside...when it's not revealing itself to be much of a story at all. Like other 'issue' serials like The Sun Makers (Taxes are wrong!), the message gets in the way of what we want to watch Doctor Who for in the first place.

2) As someone who hates Jo Grant, you'd think I'd be happy to see the back of her...if only so much of this six episode serial is taken up by the romcom bullcrap that is Jo and her romance with Professor Clifford Jones, played by Katy Manning's then-boyfriend Stuart Bevan. From their awful 'meet cute' to the artificial 'complications to the stunningly bad endangerment sequence for the Professor in the last two episodes, this is a legendarily awful outgoing character arc in a series known for its awful outgoing character arcs. And a large part of why it's awful is because it takes up so much of the serial itself--take out the romance, and you've got a four, maybe even a three part story. For that matter....

"Here, Jo--I got you this crappy plastic crystal thing as
your wedding present."

3) Even taking out the Jo/Cliff romance, this serial is stretched out. As with all the six-parters I've rewatched so far, there are episodes that boil down to one thing that really doesn't contribute much to the story as a whole. Hell, episode two is literally all about The Doctor and The Brig searching for cutting equipment. If John Nathan-Turner did one thing right (he did a couple, to be fair), it was his abolishing of the six part structure when he became the producer several years later.

4) In critiquing past Barry Letts produced serials, I've been critical of their use of rural stereotypes. Maybe it's because this story is more obsessed with corporate stereotypes (which we'll discuss in a moment), but the rural types in this serial are much more successfully. They're more fully fleshed out, and a couple of them are actually pretty damn smart. And I especially appreciate how they may not approve of 'The Nut Hatch'--Professor Jones' commune--but they do accept them.

There are times like these when you wish your so-called
hero would just expire...but then we'd be left with the
annoying, squeaky doll-baby....

5) As with most Who serials, the special effects are a hit-and-miss thing. The long shot of the giant, disease-infected maggots (the 'Green Death' of the title) that are obviously tinted rice being knocked off a mound of dirt are pretty hilarious in their ineptness...but the more detailed models, apparently made from condoms and fox skulls, are really disquieting, especially when they snarl.

6) ...but that giant, ummm, dragonfly that one of these maggots morphs into is really, really silly looking. The damn thing looks like a pipe cleaner insect, and the fact that said insect chases The Brig and Sargent Benton around for the bulk of an episode....it's dire.

7) Of course, supposedly the major villain of this story is B.O.S.S., of whom I am not entirely happy with. While I really like the voice reading given B.O.S.S. by John Dearth, which has a lot of humor and nuance, the fact is this is another computer-gaining-sentient-evil. Not only is computers-gaining-sentient-evil a trope that was tired even back in 1973 (hell, I covered a more primitive version of B.O.S.S. in The War Machines), but the presence of this figure just doesn't contribute a damn thing. You don't need evil computers to foul up the environment!

8) And while we're on the subject--after five episodes of B.O.S.S. acting all chummy and corporate-y, we get this extremely rushed 'I wanna be Colossus: the Forbin Project' plot that gets literally shoved into episode six. It once again emphasizes how thin this story is, and is nothing more than a scrabbling to tie up all those loose ends with a lot of running around and explosions.

9) Look, I can buy the Pertwee Doctor getting all pally with Professor Jones. What I don't buy is how quickly and easily The Brig comes over to the side of The Hippie Tree Huggers (or in this case, Fungus Growers). It seems to me that this is Robert Sloman's sensibilities bleeding through to the point where already established characters are acting contrary to how they've been established as acting.

10) I suppose I should say a few words about the whole Metabelis 3 thing that takes up a large part of episode one, becomes a key gewgaw to defeating B.O.S.S. and is brought back to help finish another interminable serial, Planet of The Spiders. It...well, it is what it is, a plot device....although I think the whole Metabelis 3 sequence seems another attempt to stretch things out to unreasonable ends, especially given how the whole things seems built up just so we can get a lame punchline.

Overall...I know a lot of people hold this serial in high regard, but this is a bloated and sanctimonious serial that seems more interested in pushing its agenda on us rather than telling a good Doctor Who serial. Even dumping one of my least favorite companions does little to make me appreciate it.

Ten Statements About....DOCTOR WHO STORY SIXTY-TWO: THE SEA DEVILS (1972)

"At least I don't need a haircut, monkey boy."

"Why? What are they so hostile? What have we done to them?"
"Well, they still think of Earth as their planet, Jo, and they want it back. As far as they're concerned, man is just an ape that got above himself."

1) Oh Lord, does this serial drag. This thing seems to take forever to play out, and there are whole episodes that are literally twenty minutes of filler with three or four minutes of actual plot floating in the middle of it.

2) And the biggest part of the filler is, sadly, The Master. There is simply no reason for him to be in this story, and he seems to be there solely because, you know, Hey...we've got The Master. Episode Two, in particular, seems weighed down by the character's presence.

3) Is it just me, or do the episodes of this serial feature some of the lamest cliffhangers in the series' history. I mean...The Master throws a knife at The Doctor? A guy runs down the hall at our heroes who proves to be a scared man? A Sea Devil raises his gun but does not fire? These final moments fill me with ennui....

"I'm eating a sandwich while swordfighting...because eating
sandwiches while swordfighting is coo'..."

4) While I understand that since Barry Letts got the cooperation of the British Navy for this serial he felt the need to use them a lot, this is a story that sorely needed the presence of UNIT, and of the Brigadier.

5) There are elements of the Sea Devils I actually find fascinating. The way they seem to press hands together as a greeting and as a way of pledging loyalty, for example, or the elegant design of their weapons. Those elements sort of balance out the silly blue netting that serves as their clothes.

6) I know there are people out there who insist if I give Jo a chance she'll grow on me, but she doesn't here, being content apparently to stand around waiting to be ordered about. And she's the center of one particularly annoying bit of filler where a scene is stuffed with endless bits of silent pantomine. That scene takes up an extra minute and change of watching Jo at a window waving her hands about in random attempts at communication.

7) I usually don't mention much of Ron Grainer's synth-skronk heavy scores...but while I respect the attempt to do something different for this serial, the score is thoroughly annoying. All the seemingly random squeaks and shrieks and sonar pings just interfere with the episode, distracting us from the action at hand.

8) There are certain plot twists in the Letts/Dicks era that at this point simply don't work. The late introduction of a Government Asshat to inhibit any chance of a peaceful solution is pretty hamfistedly handled, and yet another 'Master Needs The Doctor's Help' moment falls flat because we know The Doctor isn't going to switch sides by now. They even bring out the ol' 'regional/rural comedy figure' trope in Episode Two, although thankfully the character disappears after that.

"Damnit, I'm The Master--I belong in every serial, even this one!

9) I don't understand what the whole 'summoning device' thing brings to the story. I mean, they already established in the first episode that the handful of Sea Devils we see in the story is up and about and wrecking havoc on ships that wander into their realm....do we really need the whole foderol with the prison and the Master and stealing electronic parts for building the signal device. Excising that angle saves us an entire two episodes, and since the only thing we get is some minor fun exchanges between the Doctor and The Master, well...I'm willing to give that up.

10) Maybe it's because The Doctor is separate from his UNIT supporting cast, or maybe it's because he's busy underwater while the Government Asshat is causing problems with the navy, but he seems a touch...softer in this serial than in the last two I've viewed. While I appreciate that some of that softening works--the whistful sadness with which he talks about the Master in Episode One is actually very effective--I missed the sharper edges of those previous serial. That softness will soften further later on, but right now it's just a niggling feeling that I don't care for.

Overall...overlong, overcomplicated and, well, for long periods boring, this is a four parter--hell, maybe even a three parter swimming in a six-parter bag. And even though there are some interesting elements, it's not worth watching for them.

Ten Statements About....DOCTOR WHO STORY FIFTY-SEVEN: THE CLAWS OF AXOS (1971)

"We had an agreement--it followed you home, YOU walk it!"

"There are tremendous advantages for humanity in Axonite."
"Yes, tremendous material advantages, but I doubt if even Axonite could increase the growth of human common sense."

1) Let me get this out of the way--I hate Katy Manning's Jo Grant. As opposed to Liz Shaw, Jo is a useless companion who's there mainly to rival Victoria as a living scream generator. Yeah, she's got a great body, but that steel wool voice just sets my teeth on edge, and the way Pertwee guides her by the hand (because apparently Manning was so blind without glasses she had no idea where to go) just makes her appear more like a child than a spy trainee. I have no idea why this companion is so popular; this serial doesn't give me any reason.

2) Here's why I seem to prefer my Doctors more aloof or arrogant like Pertwee and the two Bakers to friendly or kindly...because of Pertwee's impatience, even contempt, for humanity makes us believe the moments where he offers to collaborate with The Master to escape from Earth, or offers an alliance with Axos in exchange for revenge against the Time Lords. The way that arrogance informs even smaller moments (I love when he's saying goodbye to everyone in Episode Four, his statement 'Goodbye, Jo. You I will miss' seems dripping with sarcasm) drives home the point that The Doctor is just Not From Around Here, no matter how he looks.

3) Man, I wish the Brigidier was as much a hard man as he is in these Pertwee serials. When he threatens people at this point in that calm, clipped British voice, I believe it. And when he shouts, you know Someone's Shit Is About To Be Fucked Up.

4) I know there are some people who think this serial is aggressively mediocre...and I'll be the first to admit that based solely on the story it's a little lackluster. But what I think elevates this is the truly wonky art direction. We're at the point in the series history where color is still a bit of a novelty, and these guys go to town imagining some insane stuff. The tones are so luridly vivid I can almost see Mario Bava coming up with the sets.

THIS is what happens when you sleep in your contact lenses.

5) And while I thoroughly understand why The Axons never got a second story (their very schtick makes their usefulness limited), I really liked how they were developed. There's something really elegant in the way these aliens are envisioned--the simple bodysuits in the swirling pastels, the golden masks with the unnerving solid gold eyes all contribute to give these aliens a real flaver....even with the visible zippers in the back.

6) Similar to Statement 4, this is without a doubt a Who serial rooted in the 60's. Hell, it's the series' version of a Romero zombie movie in that We Fuck It Up For Ourselves. The Axons are a credible threat, sure...but it isn't until Chin starts doing his best Administrative Asshole and begins distributing Axonite everywhere that the threat becomes dire.

7) Ahhhhh, yes...The Delgado Master. Is there a more effortlessly charismatic yet viciously dangerous character in Who history? There is such a naturalism to Delgado's performance that it just shows up the artificialness of both Ainley and Simm. Even in this serial, where The Master is there just to facilitate the plot, Delgado just shines.

For several years, the Doctor thought his companion was not
hot girl, but a chimpanzee....

8) Boy, I get a kick out of Paul Grist's Bill Filer. Not just because Grist is doing a parody of and American spy in the middle of a British show, but because, well, he seems to be a lot more action oriented than resident James Bond stand-in Captain Yates. Hell, I even tolerate his vague flirtation with Jo...since I was hoping that when he returned to Washington, he'd take her with him.

(And imagine my annoyance that, when sometime does show up willing to take Jo away, he's even more of a nob than she is....)

9) Apparently, this was meant to be a six-parter...and Thank God it was cut. This is a very simple story--so simple that even in four parts there's a segment in Episode Three that appears a little stretched out for time. I have to wonder if this serial would benefit even more if it had been devised as a three-parter instead of the then-standard four.

10) And here's the second Pertwee serial in a row where Pertwee is trying to convince us he's being menaced by a tentacle....by wrapping it around him and squirming. It still doesn't work.

Overall...while there are some wonky elements, including some scenery chewing (I'm looking at you, Peter Bathurst), this is a very simple, well executed serial bouyed by the absolutely insane and vivid set design.