Ten Statements About....MACHETE KILLS (2013)

Yep...Amber Heard is riding Danny Trejo.  Which proves
no virtue goes unrewarded...

"Machete don't tweet."

1) Boy, Robert Rodriguez really, really wants to direct a Star Wars movie, doesn't he?

No, seriously--there is a point in this film where the Star Wars tropes so overwhelms it that it forgets what made the original film so enjoyable, namely that this was a gory late 70's action film with Danny Trejo stuck in the role usually reserved for some white pretty boy.  Sure, the intention this time seemed to be to pluck the old Mexican in the middle of a spy movie, but the sudden turn into science fiction doesn't work.

2) ...but then, Rodriguez seems so excited by all these new characters he wants to introduce that he seems to forget this is a film about, you know, Machete.  Not that I'm saying that El Chameleon and Voz and Miss San Antonio and Desdemona The Maneater and Mexican Dennis Miller aren't fun characters; I'm saying that Rodiguez spends so much time setting them up and letting them play around that Machete and the characters already set up in his world almost seem like an afterthought.

3) Is it just me, or did it seem like Rodriguez was setting up Charlie Sheen's President Rathcock as either an ally of Mel Gibson's Voz or the ultimate mastermind behind him?  That political campaign ad in the middle of the film seemed to do everything but scream out 'bad guy in disguise'.  I suppose I should be grateful that he doesn't pull the trigger on that, but if you're just going to make Rathcock into a foul mouthed straight shooter, why bother muddying the water?

4) See, Hollywood?  It is possible to make Michelle Rodriguez smile and have fun in spots while still keeping her bad ass credentials.  Hell, we get her doing the big patriotic speech to rally the troops and kick Amber Heard's ass while blind.  Let's keep that in mind for Fast Seven, 'kay?

5) Okay, I give Demain Bichir major props for being a theatrical star in Mexico City, and for appearing in a Santo movie.  But I can't buy him as Mendez because every time he slips into his psychotic personality he

"Of course I have a heart!  It's right
here in this jar!"

becomes Mexican Dennis Miller and I keep expecting him to make Cop Rock references.

6) I know there are some people who have rolled their eyes in disgust ever since the first photos of Sofia Vengara's Desdemona showed up online....but I don't have a problem with her.  It's obvious that Vengara is having fun with this character who's the opposite of the one she plays in Modern Family, and she fits within the world that was set up in the first film.

7) Whether you think Mel Gibson is a racist, misogynistic pig dog or not, he gives a really amazing performance as Voz--which is even more amazing considering what a strange and wrongheaded character Voz is.  Gibson takes this messed-up bundle of science fiction and spy movie cliches and actually put real thought into it.  This results in a character with a level of realization that maybe doesn't deserve it.

8) The political content of this film is not only weird, it's contradictory to the political content of the original film.  Starting with the scene where President Rathcock gives Machete 'what every Mexican wants'--namely, U.S. Citizenship--and continuing with Michelle Rodriguez giving the speech about it not being about Mexico anymore, the film seems unconcerned with the immigration agenda the original embraced.  And given that it slides into cheapjack sci-fi James Bond-isms, well....

"You make one more reference I don't understand,
Mexican Dennis Miller, and I will so cut you!"

9)  Another thing that's missing here from the film is those 'what the hell' moments that infused the original.  There are plenty of attempts to do so, especially when we get to Voz's compound and he shows off his science fiction toys, but they don't have the impact of, let's say, Machete using a man's intestines as a rope or Lindsey Lohan dressed as a nun mowing people down.  Maybe it's because the 'oh shit' moments in this film are both calculated and centered around hardware instead of behavior.

10) I think it's indicative of how bored I was with the later half of the film that when Antonio Banderas shows up driving an evangelical tractor trailer (just go with it), my main thought was how cool it would be if this film was a Machete/El Mariachi crossover rather than the mess I was actually watching.

Overall...A thorough mess on almost every level that manages to undermine the strength of the Machete franchise at every turn.

And incidentally--Fuck you, editor of the Machete Kills television spots for ruining several of the major plot twists with that MMA/Ready To Rumble style campaign.

I was one of three people who were in the theater at Atlas Park to see this crumbling of a franchise first hand.  I have to be honest--none of the trailers appealed to me.  Hell, the closest thing to a promo I liked was the little behind-the-scenes stunt segment with Johnny Knoxville for Bad Grampa.

Ten Statements About....GHOSTBUSTERS II (1989)

"Why are we back?  Frankly, I have a car payment, and Dan
needs to finance Nothing But Trouble..."

"Kitten, I think what I'm saying, is that sometimes, shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and who ya gonna call?"

1) This movie suffers from a common factor that kills far, far too many sequels...namely that no one has anything new to say with the characters, so they do everything they can to recreate the format of the original. And because what we're getting is the equivalent of changing the drapes in the hopes of convincing us you've redecorated the whole apartment, we don't buy into the need for the film in the least.

2) The need to recreate the format of the original is so great, three of the characters are changed in such a way that they don't function as the original characters anymore. And in the case of Annie Potts' Janine, it diminishes her to the point where she's not likable.

3) Look, I know that Harold Ramis stopped acting because, well, he didn't like it very much...but it's a shame. There are moment when he's able to convey volumes with a raised eyebrow or a slight, faint smirk, and I can only think of the great characters he could have fashioned if he had the passion for the craft.

Peter MacNichols is possessed by the spirit of Balkie.

4) What makes Peter MacNichols' Janoz work is not his peculiar 'foreign' accent, but the odd--and I presume improvised--asides he makes constantly his breath. It gives his thankless role a strange kind of life.

5) As a villain, Vigo sucks. No, really. He does.

6) One of the worst signs that this is a sequel without a new idea in its head is how the franchise suddenly gets the logo of the new film. It's as if they're admitting straight out that this film was made not because they had a desire to return to these characters, but wanted to make Lots O' Money. All the new gadgets further drives this point home.

7) It's rather interesting how this film was influenced by The Real Ghostbusters cartoon series. The visuals for Janine and 'Slimer' are taken whole from the cartoon.

8) After you've vanquished the Dickless Wonder that is William Atherton, having to contend with the doughy, ill-formed Kurt Fuller isn't a challenge.

Why no one looked at this picture and realized
'This Cannot Happen' is beyond me.

9) After the vanquishing of Vigo (which takes far longer than it really should have), the coda just goes on for far too long, ending in a truly lame final sight gag.

10) Wow, there's even less reason for Ernie Hudson to be in this film...and I wonder if any of the other actors realized how, ummmm, insulting some of the stuff they give Winston to do is.

Overall...to be fair, there are some good moments throughout the film. But you never escape the fact that this is nothing more than a money-grab, and that just drags it down to being sunstandard.