Ten Statements About....THE FACULTY (1998)

Just because Robert Patrick acting all up with people doesn't
mean he's an alien....right? Right?

"Body Snatchers is a story somebody made up, dingus. It's located in the fiction section of the library."

"So is Schindler's List. Look, all fiction is based on truth, right?"

 

1) Even though this is a Robert Rodriguez film, it belongs more to Kevin Williamson and, as such it has the weakness every Williamson film has--namely, when the movie is dialogue driven, it works beautifully. The second it starts relying on things outside of human interaction, it fails.

2) Seriously--the films literally falters every time the CGI craziness starts, and totally collapses the second the aliens stop being guys behaving oddly and start becoming big ass tentacle monsters. And the sad thing is how, right in the middle of Teen Stars Being Chased By All-Mouth-Squid Thing, we get a brief moment where the Queen Alien reverts back to human form and gives a lovely speech about her origin. That moment, with the human alien walking through a darkened locker room, only these snaky shadows following it giving indication that this is Not A Normal Teen, is so achingly beautiful it kills the rest of the climax once it ends.

3) Boy, I remember when Jon Stewart wanted to be an actor. Am I the only one secretly glad how that worked out?

4) I don't think this would have worked half as much if Robert Patrick--an actor who is so much better than he allows himself to be most of the time--chose to make his Coach so reasonable and even tempered after his transformation instead of being Cold Emotionless Guy. Seeing him smiling and supportive of everyone is waaaaay creepier.

"RAAAAR!  I'm a late 90's CGI Monsta!  FEARS ME!"

5) I liked how the pre-title sequence makes it out to be more of a slasher, right down to the red-glowey title card.

6) Having so many of the adult actors playing against type--I swear I didn't recognize Famke Janssen for a long time when she was playing pre-alien Miss Burke--worked well, as it ups the ante of paranoia amongst our Outsider Teens.

7) Salma Hayek in a nurse's outfit. Why didn't you show us more of this, Mr. Rodriguez? It's like you don't know how blisteringly solar she is....

8) Going back to that climax--I really wish that the coda had the balls to not show our heroes going through such shocking transformations. It sort of blunts the whole fact that the guys who survived the ordeal are the ones who kept their individuality when the Goth Girl suddenly shows up in a gingham dress with her make-up Stridex'd off.

Ewwwww....don't kiss her, Josh Harnett--she's got alien cooties!

9) I find it absolutely hilarious that the film's de facto Final Girl is Elijah Wood. I suspect it's his big eyes that convinced Rodriguez this had to happen.

10) It needs to be said...Jordana Brewster may have been cute as a teen actor, but she didn't truly become beautiful until she got older and grew some lines on her face. I think she also grew a bit as an actor as well....

Overall...for what it is, and accepting that it degenerates into Rodriguez wanting to get in touch with his Carpenter love by emulating The Thing in a half-assed way, it works as a good popcorn kinda horror-thriller. If only it had the courage to be a little more restrained with its monster effects in the third act....

Ten Statements About....SCREAM 4 (2011)

This should've been the movie called You, Again?

1) That four years Wes Craven took off where he taught school and railed against people cutting him out of the Freddie Kruger remake really did him well--this film (supposedly done so that the Weinstein Brothers wouldn't authorize a remake) can be seen as him giving Platinum Dunes a hearty 'Fuck y'all' for almost two hours, in a very entertaining fashion.

2) The casting director really hit the jackpot in casting Emma Roberts as Sidney's cousin...she looks exactly like Sidney if she was updated for a Caucasian Wankey Network approved remake, and is similar enough in looks to Neve Campbell that you believe they're family.

3) There is a great deal of energy and brightness in Williamson's script that's been sorely lacking in most proto-slashers of the last few years. There's never the sense that the film is on rails, and Williamson cleverly continues to introduce red herring after red herring that occupy our time as the true killer's plan reaches fruition.

"Noooooo, Hayden!  Don't kiss Sam Kinison!"

4) And speaking of energy and brightness...you know, when Hayden Panettiere is allowed to joke and smile and have fun, she's a joy to watch--and when she does stop smiling and having fun, it gives that moment a hell of a lot more impact than four years of her as The Mopey Indestrucible Cheerleader.

5) As with the first two Scream films, the cast is chock full of some surprising good turns by some people you didn't expect to see in a slasher film. And the biggest surprise is how David Arquette seems to have discovered that being an actor doesn't involve mugging and silly voices. Of course, it's a pity that he's the one member of the original trio that doesn't seem to have a character arc....

6) Somehow, I don't think Rory Culkin (who looks like the unholy issue of his brother Macauley and Sam Kinison) and Erik Knudson will get the brief career boost that Jamie Kennedy got all those years ago. Knudson's part, in particular, is so wispy and relies so much on a single trope (he aims to upload his entire high school experience on the internet) that when he hits a punchline gag in the third act, it seems to come out of nowhere--even though it was set up about an hour prior.



Half the cast look into the trunk and find
what's left of Jamie Kennedy's career.



7) Craven spends the entire film trying to make Marley Shelton not look hot. He fails. On the other hand, middle age really seems to agree with Neve Campbell.

8) The ultimate identity of this film's Ghostface, and the explanation for why the murders happen. results in one of the more monstrous villains in Craven's ouevure--all the more so because those motivations sound not only reasonable, but sadly very possible.

9) This film does tackle the 'found footage' genre head-on--although it does so in a way that doesn't embarrassingly ape it like, let's say, Halloween: Resurrection. Similarly, Williamson and Craven take a few moments to give their views on torture porn and other developments in the horror genre since Scream 3....hell, a major plot development turns on the realization halfway through that this Ghostface is enacting not a sequel, but a reboot....



Ahhh, you know you were waiting for the gratuitous
Kristen Bell photo....



10) And since everyone is curious--yes, Kristen Bell is part of the opening set piece...but how she's a part of it (and the beginning of the third act) is the real surprise.

In short...I was extremely surprised at how much I enjoyed this film. Yes, it's Craven taking the modern horror film industry to task for not being creative, but he presents his point with a great deal of cleverness, fun and wit.

This time I took another trip to the Lowes Kips Bay. It's becoming almost depressing how badly the Atlas has degraded when I go to this theater, which is staffed by sunny people, the place looks well kept and everything runs smoothly. I finally got to see my theatrical trailer for Doctor Who Season Six, and while the actual trailers were so-so to annoying, I got my interest piqued by the one for Dylan Dog; given how the last time someone adapted the work of this particular comic book artist we got Cemetery Man, I'm planning on going.