Ten Statements--No Wait, Eleven!--About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode Ten 'The Blood Line' (2011)

Would that Gwen had that gun trained on Russell T. Davies
to prevent him from ever writing anything again...

"You take care. Don't do those stupid, lame-ass Torchwood things.  Be a professional for once."

1) Okay....as much as this ten weeks have thoroughly eroded my affection and love for Eve Myles, there's a moment at the five minute, fifteen second mark where she teases Oswald Danes with the idea that Death is about to return to Earth. She then smiles ever-so-slightly, and I was suddenly reminded why she is so supremely sexy, and why Gwen Cooper, through most of the series, was one of the few characters I actively liked.

2) Once again, we're getting Russell T. Davies trying to prove he knows how to use Google in place of natural dialogue. That being said...

3) I give him props for following one of the precepts for making Effective villains--namely, that the villains should never think they're the bad guys. Frances Fisher, as the unnamed face of The Three Families, really sells the idea that this group is not motivated by malice but a true desire to make the world a better place. It's just a pity that Fisher, and her character, was nowhere to be seen for the first eight episodes.

"You mean I have to come back if there's a 5th
season?  Awwww, man...."

4) I know that Davies wrote that scene between Jack and Oswald as something truly profound and meaningful, with a final line that's supposed to stir us up for the coming climax. But it doesn't. Even the basic idea of comparing the two and trying to make them into similar people only diminishes Jack.

5) And once again, Kai 'The Jason Segal of Wales' Owen proves in one brief scene why he is my favorite character in the history of the show.

6) I swear, this is the single dumbest CIA unit in the history of media. Marina Benedict's Charlotte did everything short of putting on a mustache and twirling it when she planted the bomb.

7) As engaging as Fisher was--the dumbass on the Buenos Aires end of The Blessing (I'm assuming this is Chris Butler, who's billed as 'The Cousin') was a prime example of how not to play the bad guy. Cackling, loud and boisterous, he takes away a lot of the gravitas of this final stand-off. Everytime he shares screentime with Fisher, he actually makes her less effective.

8) Could someone please point out to Davies that when Angel (for that is what Torchwood has always been, the darker, more 'adult' Angel to Doctor Who's Buffy) broke away from its parent show fully, it divested itself of those remnants of the original? Constantly citing the Doctor and his mythology only reminds us of a better show--and prolly pisses off Stephan Moffat to no end.

9) Again, I have to reiterate--if the Rex that we got in this and the previous episode, who proves again in this episode that he's a lot cleverer than he seems, was the Rex we got from Episode One, I might have a higher opinion of this show.

Somehow, I think it's appropriate that this season ends
with a funeral...of the series itself, I'm thinking.

10) Okay, you've just spent ten weeks reminding us that Gwen is The Angel of Freakin' Ass-Kickery...and yet, she struggles against pampered, tiny lil' obnoxious Jilly Kitzinger? Fuck you.

11) Oh. My. Lord. Surely Davies doesn't think that we're going to buy that the computer screen zoomed in on Charlotte's name as it plays out on Rex's cellphone? Because if he does, he must think we're stupider than I ever imagined.

Overall...I was alllllmost tricked into begrudgingly liking this episode thanks to a particularly strong first half hour. But then reality crashes in and we're treated to some ludicrous stuff, a climax that, quite frankly, explains next to nothing, and a set up for what I know Davies is hoping will be a second season of real bald-faced X-Files rip-offery. With this, Davies has frittered away all the good will he earned with the Chidren of Earth arc, and hopefully will disappear into the same black hole that apparently claimed such similar charlatans as Chris Carter and Tim Kring.

Fuck this season.

Ten Statements About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode Five 'The Categories Of Life' (2011)

I don't know which is more horrific--the fact that Dr. Juarez is
about to be burned alive, or that she has to spend so much time
with this dumb racist James Carvell lookalike...

"Whatever you're doing to fight this miracle, count me in. They just took control of life and death."

1) Look, I trust Jane Espenson as a writer--besides the many good episodes she contributed to Buffy, she co-created and wrote material for a show I rather liked called Point Pleasant. I trust John Shiban, who wrote some exceptional episodes of The X-Files. Did no one listen to what Russell T. Davies had in store for this bloated ten hour mess and say, 'Russell, you need to rethink some of these ideas. Okay, most of these ideas.'

Okay, all of these ideas."

2) I thought Gwen and Captain Jack were listed as of Episode Two as, at the very least, Persons Of Interest, and would have their photos pasted all over airports by The Mysterious Agents Of The Mysterious Vampi--CORPORATION! I Mean Corporation That Pulls The Strings Of The Miracle. And yet Gwen just waltzes back into Wales to have comedy flirty time with Rhys?

3) At this point, I think we really need to drop the 'Jack teases Rex with intimations he might be gay' thing. It was old about two episodes ago.

Lord knows I understand, Mr. Barrowman...I want to lie down
and die after watching this episode...

4) Okay, we get this big scene where Dr. Juarez says she wants in on Torchwood, she gets kinda, sorta inducted into the crew...and then, when she wants to flounce off and 'investigate' at the facility Rex went undercover to investigate, she starts saying she's not Torchwood. Is anyone reading these scripts for continuity? We're talking about contradictory information separated by less than ten minutes here!

5) My GOD, did they just pull a variation on 'Oh, you're a WOMAN Doctor' thing with Dr. Juarez and the Overflow Camp administrator followed by a Nazi joke? I'd expect that of Davies, who always displayed no sense of how humans interact in the real world, but Espenson?

Oh, wait. Look at statement one. Never mind.

6) You know what one of the major differences is between this and 'Children of Men'--besides of course this one sucking and the other one being the best thing Russell T. Davies was ever attached to? This one keeps forcing humor in at the most inopportune times...and every gag about Hillary Duff and bit of flirty-flirty between Juarez and Rex, or Esther and Jack, stops the flow of the story dead. Not only that, it dissipates the tension built up in the story prior....resulting in a show that has to keep re-earning its thriller status by rebuilding the thrills that made that tension in the first place.

7) I have this very weird sense that Davies is using the whole Overflow Camp angle to address all the panic some Americans had over 'death panels' when Obama tried to pass nationalized health care. While there is a proud tradition of writers using science fiction to address modern concerns in this country, Davies' ham-fistedness, tendency toward broad villains and inability to plot coherently may very well make him the last person I want trying to make any political statements.

"..and I promise you you'll be able to murder children and make
a killing in the real estate with no money down..."

8) So Oswald Danes has gone from child murderer to, what? The world's greatest inspirational speaker? Huh?

9) So now you're doing a whole Concentration Camp riff, Davies? Really?

10) At least Arlene Tur is now finally free of this thing, even though I'd categorize her end as overkill in the extreme.

Overall...I'm just dumbfounded at how this show seems to be getting worse and worse with each successive episode. My theory that Davies intentionally set out to create a season so dire to dare everyone to watch it remains intact. And thinking we're only halfway through this bloated turd makes my blood run cold.

Ten Statements About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode Four 'Escape To LA' (2011)

Noooo!  Mare Winingham--Run!  Run or you'll be Davies-ized!

"George Elliot wrote this chapter in Middlemarch. She said that if you take a piece of metal with random scratches on it, and hold a flame up to the metal, the scratches look like they're forming patterns circling around the light...and that's Oswald. He's blazing away. The patterns are starting to revolve around him and all we have to do is keep watching."
 

1) I suspect that the opening scene with Esther and her sister is supposed to make us have some form of sympathy for her...never mind that we already have sympathy for her be the sheer dint of her being one of the only people we don't want to punch in the face. But given how Russell T. Davies has never shown any conception of how people actually interact with each other coupled with her damned intention of showing how he thoroughly researched his premise, the scene just. falls. flat.

2) I can understand why C. Thomas Howell was dragged into this...but Mare Winningham, playing a shrewish mayor demanding that the people who should have died be isolated? WHY? She actually, you know, still has a career and stuff.

Noooo!  They shot Soul Man!

3) Okay...after that icky phone exchange with Rex, I now want to punch Dr. Juarez in the face.

4) Thank the Lord for Kai 'The Jason Segal of Wales' Owen. Rys' scenes with Gwen actually brings some genuine lightness--as opposed to forced cutesy-poo romantic comedy dialogue or lame-ass gender-bending barbs--into what is a dour, lifeless series.

5) I'm sorry...but you can't keep hinting that Lauren Ambrose is part of some greater power manipulating things, hinting at her being something sinister...and then have her turn around and give this self-righteous speech about how she can't stand the sight of Oswald Danes' hands. It doesn't give her any dimension. It doesn't drive home how loathsome Danes is, because it already figured that out. The scene just lies there inert, something we're suppose to think is significant, but can't because of all the argle-bargle that happened before.

6) It occurs to me that the majority of this episode is designed to make us understand the motivations of our new characters better. But these scenes fail because by this episode, we should care about them enough to want to understand them and the time we should have spent getting to know them has been taken up by Russell T. Davies proving he knows how to Google. We don't care about Rex at all, so knowing he has a destitute father means nothing to us. While we do care about Esther, finding out she has a mentally ill sister doesn't add anything to her character. This deep into the season is not the time to start going 'hey, we need to fill out these guys.'

Eve Myles tries to get her agent to remove her from this
sinking ship....

7) I'm with Jack...as much as I love her, Eve Myles should never, ever attempt an American accent again. She prolly shouldn't ever have her hair up, either.

8) This whole new angle of Danes literally trying to pass himself off as some modern-day Christ for the Miracle Day afflicted is stomach churning--not because it's blasphemous, but because it's 'what the fuck?' level stupid. I simply cannot believe Davies intended this to be a major plot point.

9) LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS???? What, did Davies just raid his Brat Pack database?

10) Alyssa from the Big Red Podcast was right; the scene with Rex wheezing and huffing up 66 flight of stairs was ridiculous..especially since to make it work, we had to have Professional Killer In Black C. Thomas Howell go all Bond Villain on Jack and Gwen and start spouting soliloquizes...

Overall...I'm beginning to wonder if Davies is actively daring us to get through this increasingly ludicrous story. We have another script by someone who knows how to write effective television, James Shiban, which sounds exactly like a Davies script. There is a level of sheer awfulness to this that I am afraid I may not last until the end before taking an axe to my laptop.

Ten Statements About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode Three 'Dead of Night' (2011)

After watching three episodes of this season, I want to put
on a mask and cry, too....

"Now, technically, we both know I can't kill you. But you see, the beauty of this miracle is if I shoot you just right, then maybe you might live in agony for who knows how long...maybe a thousand years. Now you think about that."

1) So we're supposed to root for Rex because he, what, threatens to torture Wayne Knight in full Newman mode? Somehow, it just makes him look like a bully. But then, since I find both Rex and Knight's Friedkin detestable characters...I just don't care.

2) Ooooooh....so there's a secret organization that's been pulling the strings for decades and knows everything. Like I didn't see that one coming.

Yeah, I'm going to need some of those painkillers if I'm to keep
watching this season, Jack....

3) Well, I guess we should not get attached to Esther any time soon. We all know what happens to people on Torchwood who actually, you know, know what they're doing, right?

4) I know the script is written by Jane Espenson of Buffy and Point Pleasant fame, but...it still feels like a Russell T. Davies script. Hell, it feels like RTD's Greatest Hits...which makes you wonder why the Stephen Moffats and Paul Cornells of the world were able make their Doctor Who scripts still uniquely theirs.

5) I am so relieved we've still got Arlene Tur's Dr. Juarez around...about the same amount I can't stand that she's sharing scenes with Lauren Ambrose's Jilly Kitzinger. It's like watching Roger Delgado's version of The Master having lunch with John Sims'.

6) The basic problem with the dramatic confrontation between Rex and Jack is simple--while Mekhi Phifer is a better actor--a much better actor--than John Barrowman, the scripts for this season has not done any work to make Rex anything other than an asshole whereas Jack has been made to look a whole lot more accessible and friendly. Thus, when Rex stalks off after having their little blow-up, the viewer isn't worried in the least. Hell, they're relieved the jerk is gone.

7) Contrast the Rex/Jack interaction with that of Esther and Gwen. There is such an easy chemistry between Eve Myles and Alexa Havins that you can believe they'll have each other back no matter what.

As bad as this season has shaped up to be, I can at least
take some joy in rhe interplay between these two.

8) My GOD, they're not building a romance between Rex and Juarez? Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised given Russell T. Davies inability to see male/female relations in terms other than romantic or fruit-fly-esque. But then again, the idea of Juarez willingly jumping into bed with a patient she knows has a damaged heart--literally--makes her less of a doctor, right? Right?

9) My GOD Part Two....was that whole sequence featuring Danes running from two rednecks wanting to hurt him for being a child-murdering pedophile into the arms of two cops that beat him to shit designed to make us feel sympathy for him? I get that the whole idea is to make us feel duped when Danes shows us his true colors...but it's done in the typical hamfisted Davies way, which means the effect falls flat.

10) It just occurred to me watching Ambrose interact with Pullman...Jilly has her own uniform. Not only that, it's a uniform that's in direct contrast with the color palette of the entire show, with the bright red coat. hair and lipstick. I think this is Russell T. Davies' idea of a subtle clue that Jilly may be more powerful than she seems....Hell, that she may in fact come from the same organization that Captain Jack Harkness and Captain John Hawk used to work for.

Notice the operative phrase is 'Russell T. Davies idea of a subtle clue.

Overall....this has rapidly degenerated into the awful excesses of the first season--lots of inappropriate sex made even smuttier since it's being done for American cable, characters that simply don't behave in any way like human beings do, sinister corporations...only this time with the added overlay of Davies proving he did a lot of googling to extrapolate his premise. And even the rare character I like, such as Dr. Juarez, is made somewhat questionable thanks to her questionable actions. I'm dancing on the edge of saying 'Fuck this season.' Dancing a lot.

Ten Statements About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode Two 'Rendition' (2011)

"Alright...if we inject Russell T. Davies, he might end up
being a decent writer."

"Everything mortal becomes immortal, so everything immortal becomes mortal. See? I can be useful."

1) Well...as I feared, Mekhi Phifer's job is to be a one dimensional, colossal dick, and they're going to give Kai 'The Jason Segal of Wales' Owen a pass out of the show. But on the other hand, Dichen Lachman (okay, Dichen Lachman once again hiding her natural sexy Aussie accent, but...).

2) Oh, my god...don't tell me that we've got to sit through eight more weeks of the typical Russell T. Davies sophomoric sexually-based humor. I thought we were done with that circa 'Children of Earth.'

3) Is there a reason why Wayne Knight is in this..of course, it doesn't help that he's playing a smarmy jerk in his interactions with Esther in such a way that I expect Kramer to slide into CIA HQ at any moment. And the way he pulls the same dithering anxious faces throughout his brief time, you don't buy him as this Guy Who's Pulling The Strings.

4) You know what I love about the way Eve Myles and John Barrowman work together? The way they've worked out this excellent timing with their body language so that by watching them interact you can get a whole other level of understanding about what's going on. Between these two, a shift in a chair or a very quick, faint smile speaks volumes more than what they're bickering about.

To my surprise, this is my favorite character in this story.

5) I suspect we won't be seeing Arlene Tur's Dr. Juarez for very long--which is a pity, because she is, along with Esther, the only new character worth a damn in this story. I just wish the story didn't portray her as The Doctor With All The Answers at times.

6) Poor, poor Bill Pullman, who is doing his damndest to give the role of Oswald Danes far more depth than it needs, or Davies intended him to have. He's so out of place, trying to give a realistic performance in what is amounting to be a really poor comic book...worse, a comic book written by Brian 'If My HBO Went Out, I'd Have Nothing To Write' Azzarello for the Bill Jemas era 'decompressed' Marvel...

　

7) ..and then to add insult to injury, they saddle him with Lauren Ambrose trying to channel her inner Diane Keaton as a comedy relief public relations specialist? Who's proposing Danes capitalize on his crime in direct opposition to the laws in New York State that expressed forbid felons from doing so? DID ANYONE THINK THIS STORYLINE THROUGH?

8) Davies does know that when your whole story revolves around the human race suddenly losing the capacity for death, it's kind of hard for us to feel suspense over the idea that someone is trying to kill Esther, right? Right?

"Alright...you need to sit down and find that accent of
yours and put it back on...you're annoying everyone."

9) My God, they're actually expecting us to be sympathetic toward Rex...well, they're expecting a lot, because right now--even after he saves Jack's life--I still want to punch him in the face repeatedly with a cestus.

And sadly, he is far from the only character I want to do this to.

10) So basically, when you boil this episode down to its core...it's an hour on an airplane running around looking for ammonia. There's a definite whiff of this being a running in place exercise designed to get the show up to its ten week commitment.

Overall....the things I do for you people....this is going to be a very, very awful story.

Ten Statements About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode One 'The New World' (2011)

I don't know...I'd almost bet on Gwen Cooper kicking Sarah
Conner's ass in the Sci-Fi Mom Sweepstakes...

".First I knew they were calling from the morgue, they were laughing. They said, 'what's happening up there, you all on strike?' Turns out no one had died. 24 hours since this hospital had a death. Not one. Not from old age, not from injury, not from sickness. All day long."

1) I have a really, really bad feeling that Mekhi Phifer's Rex is going to never rise higher than being The Ugly American. Except for a couple of moments (one of which we'll cite below), he's so broad in his 'fuck Wales, fuck everything, I'm the man' attitude that it takes away from the flow of the story.

2) God, how I missed the interaction between Eve Myles (still looking hot-but-approachable) and Kai 'The Jason Segal of Wales' Owens. Those two, and their interactions with the other supporting cast, have always been the secret weapon of this show, and seeing them still having that divine chemistry is a joy. Even if Davies has decided to Sarah Conner the both of them....

3) What's more annoying that someone saying the name of a movie in the movie? Several people saying the name several times over the space of ten seconds...just like when you have everyone mention Torchwood...you know, 'cause this is about Torchwood, right?

Torchwood.

Get used to this face...'cause this is pretty much the only
emotion Mekhi Phifer is allowed to have.

4) Jesus Christ...I feel so sorry for Bill Pullman, who is a good actor, playing this thoroughly one-dimensional monstrosity. He seems to be in this season for much the same reason Billy Connolly's charcter was in that awful X-Files: I Want To Believe--giving him this extraordinary status solely so that Davies can have people rail at him for being a child-killing monster and make everyone in the show seem better for disapproving of him.

5) I do give Davies credit for having the courage to keep Captain Jack offstage until the twenty minute mark, and not playing him right away in a positive light. Hell, I know the history of the character and even I found his first appearance here borderline creepy.

6) I'm beginning to think that Davies strength is not characterization--because I find almost all of his characters broad and ill-formed, lacking any sort of subtlety--but his ability to spot people who have the right qualities, both alone and in concert with others, to bring those characters the depth he in incapable of giving them. Seeing John Barrowman's Captain Jack interact with Alexa Havins' Esther Drummond brings her character--up until that point a very bog standard innocent bystander--to life, and gives both of them the same sort of vitality that Gwen and Rhys have.

7) Okay, that autopsy scene? Veeeeery creepy, and helped by the very quiet cutaways to Mekhi Phifer's reactions to what was going on. It's prolly the high point of the episode.

That blur at the bottom?  The single creepiest thing in this
episode....

8) I know I talked about her above...but God, I hope the greater distribution of this will show the world what Eve Myles is capable of, and get her more work. Lots more work. The scene with her parents, where she goes from comedy to tragedy seamlessly but logically is brilliant.

9) Admittedly, the idea that the one thing that puts fear in Captain Jack is the fact that he can be injured is pretty cool.

10) The final action sequence that brings our cast together again? Pretty. Damn. Choice.

Overall...this thing seems to be a step down from the nearly pitch perfect 'Children of Earth, and suffers from an extreme need to remind us over and over about what this series is about. It smacks a bit more of Season Two, which was uneven but got better as it went along. I'm not ready to throw up my hands and walk away just yet, but I'm not exactly