Ten Statements About....THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS (1982)

Yeah, yeah..you think you know why she was
cast, but you'd be surprised how good she is...

“Well, I always just thought if you see somebody without a smile, give 'em yours!”

1) We can debate on whether Dolly Parton was an actress or not, but what’s not up for debate after watching this movie is that she was a movie star.  The camera loves her, her personality shines through the film, and she is one of those weird rare birds that seems to have chemistry with anyone she steps into a scene with.  She’s a delight to watch, and every moment she’s on the screen in this film, it’s a little brighter.

2) And here’s the thing about her co-star...yes, Burt Reynolds seems a touch past his sell-by date with his very artificial tan trying to hide his very obvious wrinkles in this film.  But after a few opening scenes of him trying to coast on his charm, Reynolds hunkers down and endeavors to make his Sheriff Ed Earl into an actual character with nuances and emotional problems he has to solve on his own.  And the funny thing is once that kicks in, Reynolds rises to the occasion and becomes genuinely good.

3) Maybe it’s because this was made in 1982, but some of the actual, you know, whores working in the whorehouse seem really...out of place?  There are a number of new wave-y types that seem really out of place when it comes to a story about a southwestern whorehouse with a country/western book.

4) Even though I worried that Theresa Merritt’s Jewel was going to be an embarrassing stereotype when I first saw her, I was pleasantly surprised at how she was developed.  You get the impression that Jewel is not a servant, but a full partner in the Chicken Ranch’s day-to-day, and is a true friend and confidante to Parton’s Mona.  Plus she ends up kicking ass when it comes to the big ‘home invasion’ set piece that ends off Act Two.

"Well, Burt, I thought I'd come into this movie to remind you
of what a broad cartoon character you usually play..."

5) I think that the film benefits from the participation of original writers Larry L. King and Peter Masterson.  While there is a third writer responsible for the script, King and Masterson keeps the story from being overcomplicated in the name of opening it up.   Thus there’s still a sense of true intimacy to the film, that this is still just a tale of a small Texas town under moral siege.

6) Thank the Lord this was made at a time when it was okay to aim for an R rating, because I shudder to think how weird it would have felt without its profanity and mild smuttiness.

7) Okay, there is one performance that really doesn’t quite work, and that’s Dom Deluise’s Melvin.  Deluise makes the caricature too broad, and his gurning and mugging seems out of place in a place where everyone is doing this at a less frantic pitch.  And on top of that, he seems incapable of singing effectively.  He’s a necessary evil (this is the period where if you wanted Burt, you had to take Dom), but his every appearance is jarring.

"Can I sing?  Maybe not.  Am I having fun?  Hell, yeah!"

8) On the other hand, the big surprise is how wonderful Charles Durning’s Governor is.  He only has one extended scene with a musical number, but Boy Howdy does the film just pick up an extra dollop of energy when he’s around.  And while, like Deluise, he can’t necessarily sing, Durning makes it work for him; he talk-sings his number, ‘The Sidestep,’ but does so enthusiastically and unselfconsciously...and the sheer joy he seems to be taking in doing this number is infectious.  His presence is one of the high points of the film.

9)  Look, I know that Parton wrote 'I Will Always Love You’ before Whitney Houston co-opted it, but damn does it still feel weird when, towards the climax, she sings the song to Reynolds toward the end.  Her version is more stripped down and plain, and that makes the sentiment all the stronger.  One can certainly believe Reynolds making the decision he makes after this number.

"BROADWAY, BAY-BE!"

10) The aforementioned ‘Side Step’ aside, I’m not a big fan of Carol Hall’s book, which seems to be in love with repetition...although I will admit that ‘Hard Candy Christmas’ has been stuck in my brain for the last twenty four hours.  This is probably the show’s legacy song--even though I find it fascinating that it’s become a Christmas song solely for the word ‘Christmas’ in the lyrics, as it’s not a seasonal number whatsoever.

Overall...a very well done musical that keep the feel of the original show and doesn’t seek to ‘open up’ the story with unnecessary complications.  On top of that, it features some rather good performances from actors who we wouldn’t normally think of as good actors (or, in the case of Reynolds, think of as good actors who take lazy choices).

Ten Statements About....SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT III (aka SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT III: SMOKEY IS THE BANDIT) (1983)

"Noooooo, Colleen Camp!  Don't get into that car!  Your
career will be wrecked for years afterwards!"

"What good is the roadrunner without the coyote? What good would the fox be without the hound? What good is the Bandit without the Smokey?"

1) As shocked as I am to admit this, but this may very well be the single worst film I have ever seen. I don't think I can think of a single thing in this misbegotten ninety-three minutes that is even in the same state as amusing. I did not laugh once during this film, just sat there with my mouth agape in astonishment as the crude, sad and nonsensical parade of crap passed before my eyes.

2) ...and I think the filmmakers figured this out, because the movie takes what seems like forever to start. First we get a sepia-toned clipshow of the previous two films, then a scene that seems somehow retrofitted from the original trailer (since Burt Reynolds had refused to return except for a cameo, the original concept was that Gleason would play both Buford T. Justice and the Bandit), then a montage title sequence of Gleason 'enjoying' retirement before the actual plot begins.

3) One of the major reasons why this is a cinematic form of torture is how Buford is saddled with Mike Henry's Junior throughout the entire movie....and since Buford is the central character, that means the highly annoying, simpering Junior is in almost every single scene. And Junior just sucks any sort of amusement from every one of the sad little scenes. But then, people who just are incapable of being amusing are the bane of this movie.

"Sir, I know the Bandit.  I watched the Bandit.  And you,
sir...you are no Bandit."

4) Take Colleen Camp's Dusty, for example. Now I know Colleen Camp is a good actress, and can be funny...but not here. A large part of the reason for this is that she's been given a character that's a cipher. She's not even given a sketch card of a background like Sally Fields' Carrie was in the first film; she's given a rant in her first moment on screen that I think is supposed to be her back story, but it says almost nothing about her. I particularly like how she has a line about how she moved to this area--most likely to explain her noticable New York accent--but at no point does where she came from comes up. She's thoroughly wretched.

5) But then, it might have worked better if Colleen had Burt Reynolds or Jackie Gleason to play off of as Bandit...but instead we've got Jerry Reed's Snowman, who in some nonsensical twist designed to cover up the fact that Gleason was supposed to play both roles, disguised himself as The Bandit to impede him on his trip. And a little Reed goes a long way...and a lot of Reed is interminable, especially when he's bantering with Colleen Camp. He just won't. stop. talking.

6) You know who else there's way too much of? The Enis family. In the first two films Pat MacCormick and Paul Williams were kinda fun--but they only showed up in small scenes. In this film, we're treated to the two of them enacting all these goofy coyote-like tricks to delay Buford (they're the ones who call in Snowman and get him to dress up like Bandit), and their welcome wears out long before the film is done. And when we get to that bizarre and unfunny sequence in the hotel where they dress up as women...well, it plunges past unfunny into shockingly painful.

"Sir, I'm going to write you a ticket for participating in a movie
so bad it's disgusting...."

7) This movie features some of the most unexciting, nonsensical and boring chase scene not only in the franchise, but maybe ever. They're made all the more unexciting for the way they just happen with no logical reason whatsoever except that director Don Lowery wanted to see Buford jump through a canon or a wall of fire. And even worse is how each of these chase scenes is accompanied by voice over conversations between Buford and Junior which is nowhere near as funny as anyone who made this film think they are.

8) I'm still trying to figure out why some of the scenes, like the one where Snowman, after assuming his Bandit disguise, marries off his dog Fred, even made it to the final shooting script. They stop whatever sad little excuse this film has for momentum absolutely dead...and even with all the overstuffed chase scenes and comedy bits this film has, the momentum is slow enough that they can't afford to have it stopped.

9) That fucking hot sheet motel scene...sigh. Not only does it go on for what seems like forever, not only does it have this smarmy, disapproving tone to it...it simply isn't funny whatsoever. It, like the sequence with the nudist colony, wants you to ogle the nudity and the weird folks parading around (midgets! bodybuilder! Tall nypmhos! girls riding guys like horses!), and yet wants to act all shocked about the goings on. And it features our main characters behaving oddly (in addition to the sight of the transvestite Enises, there's the whole physical business with the fish Buford has been tasked with transporting from Miami to Texas) for no logical reason except that there was some belief it would result in a funny gag.

Uhhhhh, no.

10) I'd like to say that Burt Reynolds cameo is a little better than the shit that precedes it, but Burt appears sad and puffy, and the rationale for the cameo is as poorly thought out as the rest of the film. He's here solely to set up Smokey And The Bandit IV...but thank God that didn't happen until Universal decided to revisit the franchise as a series of TV movies as part of its Action Pack syndication package several years later.

Overall...God, no. Just...no. Your life will be shorter and sadder for exposing yourself to this.

Ten Statements About....SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT (1977)

"Wow...you got some weird looking hair there, Sally..."

"I'll be driving this one blocker. You'll be driving the truck. This is Bandit One and that is--"
"Bandit Two. Together Again."
"Oh, yeah. Like Fred and Ginger and Lester and Earl."

1) I would really like to know how much of this film was scripted, and how much of it was improvised. There are great big gouts of this film's ninety-three minute running time which seem to be just Burt Reynolds, Jerry Reed and Sally Reed riffing...and that oddly enough creates a strange veracity that reinforces this world the movie takes place in.

2) ....which is fortunate, because this film manages to be virtually plotless without us noticing. With all the talk up front about Enos and Little Enos betting Bandit he can't bootleg a bunch of Coors, this is just a skeleton that director Hal Needham can use as an excuse for the vehicle-oriented slapstick comedy that follows. Later on, when Reynolds becomes lazier and lazier, it becomes his downfall, but here it's surprisingly successful. That being said...

3) I always appreciate a film that knows how to set up its plot, and this film manages to get through its high concept in less than ten minutes without the scenes ever sounding like an info dump. This allows for us to hit the ground running for all the car spills n' thrills.

All his friends were concerned when Jerry Reed started having
detailed conversations with his dog...

4) This is another one of those movies made during this period where the soundtrack actually acts as a Greek Chorus commenting on the action as it develops. The three Jerry Reed tunes serve as narrator at key points, filling in the information we might have to, you know, stop for a few minutes and have it explained to us. Thus, we don't have any actual plot getting in the way of the fun of watching Bandit leading silly cops on merry chases throughout the Bible Belt.

5) You know how good an actor Jackie Gleason was? In this movie he takes a caricature in Buford T. Justice--a caricature we've seen in similar comedies previously--and turns him into not only a livid character, but a livid character who is tenacious and formidable without losing his buffoonishness. There are moments, particularly when he shouts down a particularly ornery highway patrolman for his foul mouth, when you realize this isn't a clown. And it makes the grudging sense of respect he and Bandit admit to each other at the end highly credible.

6) It's a rather small aspect of the film, but I really appreciated the sense of community that Needham conveys throughout. There's a solid feeling for CB culture as Bandit communicates with and receives various degrees of aid from other truckers and CB enthusiasts. These small cameos may not be very good (some of the other CB'ers sound like they're first time actors), but they add to the veracity of the film's world, and capture a snapshot of a culture that seems to have disappeared in recent years.

7) I find it astonishing that Sally Field and Burt Reynolds were an item at this time, because I don't feel any chemistry between their characters at all. Hell, I suspect the only reason she's here is because they needed a romantic subplot to distract from all the car wrecks and chases. They do have some good exchanges, but overall Fields' Carrie leaves me cold.

"What do you mean you want me to reprise my role in
something called Dukes of Hazzard?"

Plus, apparently Hal Needham and/or Reynolds was obsessed with Fields' ass, which gets more screen time than some of the other characters.

8) Actually, to me the real chemistry is between Reynolds and Jerry Reed's Snowman. There are moments where Reynolds and Reed have a sense of patter and comic timing that rivals some comedy teams of the 30's and 40's. They, along with Gleason, are the ones who take this film and carry it on its back through its sallow moments.

9) Really, what was the point behind Snowman being beat up by some bikers and thrown out of a truck stop? Was it just so he can run over the motorcycles? The whole sequence is the only moment (and yes, that includes the moment where Bandit and Carrie walk around the woods) where the film just stops dead in its track. It's the single mood killer in an otherwise smooth-as-silk entertainment.

10) Outside of Justice, the legion of cops and highway patrolmen...well, they're really useless, aren't they? They provide no sort of impediment of obstacle to Bandit's efforts. I just wish that Burt had to, at least once, break a sweat or something.

Overall...if you can take it for what it is--a slapstick pie fight with cars replacing the pies--this is an entertaining, brief little window into 70's trucker culture bouyed by great comedic performances by Reynolds and Gleason.