Ten Statements About....DOCTOR WHO STORY SEVENTY: THE TIME WARRIOR (1973/74)

"Hello...I'm the Greatest Companion You Will EVER Have."

"A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is by no means the most interesting."

1) Ahhhhhh, Sarah Jane Smith. If anyone wants proof of why Elisabeth Sladen is the gold standard of Who Companions, you have just to see this serial. Just as Tom Baker steps in and owns the part of the Doctor instantly a few serials hence, Sladen makes sure we know what Sarah Jane is all about from her first appearance at the scientist's summit. And throughout the serial, Sarah Jane is proactive, taking the point when dealing with Irogron. She's the perfect Doctor Who companion because she can take a major role in stories while complimenting the Doctor, not overshadowing him.

2) I know stories indicate that Jon Pertwee didn't get along with Sladen, but you never see it here. On the contrary, The Doctor seems to have a gleeful admiration for her and entrusts more and more to her as the story progresses. It's as if in Sarah Jane you get both the Ian and the Barbara, the Jamie and the Zoe, the ass-kicker and the smart chick all rolled into one package.

"My name is Linx.  I am 34, and my interests are military
adventurism, torture and conquest.  I am looking for..."

3) And then there's The Sontarans. You can keep your Daleks, your Cybermen, your Ice Warriors...I'll take these guys. Supposedly writer/creator Robert Holmes wrote out an exceptionally long treatise on these aliens, and it certainly shows in this serial. Over the course of four parts we learn loads about the Sontarans--and I love how these guys have an actual cultural outlook and personality. Linx is a monster, but one that has a code of honor and even a rudimentary sense of humor. Yes, they become diminished in future appearances (slightly--very slightly--returned to some form of dignity by Russell T. Davies., although I could do without the short jokes), but for now they're the most brutally formidable of the Who monsters.

Plus...it gives The Doctor an alien race that's strong, but not so super-strong (like the Cybermen) that they can engage him in hand to hand.

4) One of the clever touches to Holmes' script is how Linx honors his promise of giving Irongron 'magical' weapons--but is satisfied with just giving them rifles and a single primitive robot, as if he's willing to do what he says, but never so far that his allies could become a liability to him. It shows how intelligent an enemy Linx is....

5) ...and, to the script's credit, The Doctor responds in kind. This isn't the Doctor of other eras who gleefully cheat by using high tech to squash his foes dwelling in the past; he uses methods more or less consistent with that time and a knowledge of guerilla tactics. Just as with Linx, this speaks volumes of this Doctor's view on the sanctity of time and cultural development.

6) Another cool touch is how Donald Pelmear's Professor Rubeish is set up to be comic relief....but is revealed to be a valued ally who uses his own weaknesses to his advantage, and--like Sarah Jane--takes action against his situation. It doesn't surprise me that The Doctor ends up trusting Rubeish to help enact his final plan.

You know the story...two aliens, one woman...trouble.

7) I also appreciate that while there is a gag about Linx claiming Earth for the Sontaran Empire (a plot thread that is picked up with the Sontaran's next appearance in next season's The Sontaran Experiment), this whole serial is motivated by a very simple, very selfish intent--namely, that Linx wants to return to the war with the Rutans. Everything derives from this one need on Linx's part. It's refreshing to see this kind of story in amongst all the 'we're taking over this planet NOW' tales that Doctor Who all too often deals with.

8) Here's the one thing that bothers me about the Sontarans, though...the whole thing about the 'probic vent' in the back always rang wrong. I understand the reason for the vent (it forces Sontarans to face their enemies in battle and never turn their back on them), but it seems a somewhat arbitrary concept...and given that the Sontarans presently are practicing an in vitro form of reproduction, I can't figure out why they didn't breed out this weakness when so many of their opponents sneak up on them and smack 'em on the vent.

9) I find it interesting that Holmes chose to have Alan Rowe's Edward of Essex just accept The Doctor and Sarah Jane at face value, just ascribing their weird clothes and speech to their being sorcerers. It nimbly sidesteps what could have been a time consuming duplication of the 'who are these beings?' thing that we've been through already once with Irongron.

10) I am not entirely sure--other, more learned fans will correct me, I'm sure--but this may be the first serial done under Barry Letts that does not feature stunts by Havoc! It does kinda show, especially with the painful long-shotting of many of the fight scenes to conceal that this isn't Pertwee doing all the chopping and kicking.

Overall...an excellent introduction to an excellent companion, featuring a solid new villain and sober, clever script writing. And on top of that, it apparently is the first serial to namecheck Gallifrey. Downright required viewing.

Ten Statements About....DOCTOR WHO STORY SIXTY-NINE: THE GREEN DEATH (1973)

"Niiiiiiiiiiiiightmare fuel!"

"Perhaps it's all for the best."
"The Best? I think you'll find, Mr. Yates, that this is the worst day's work the world has seen for many, many years."

1) Oh. My. God. Is this thing preachy. Writer Robert Sloman seems so much more interested in talking about alternative fuels and the evils of corporate pollution and All The Things That Was In The Air Circa 1969 (never mind that it's some four years later) that the actual story frequently falls by the wayside...when it's not revealing itself to be much of a story at all. Like other 'issue' serials like The Sun Makers (Taxes are wrong!), the message gets in the way of what we want to watch Doctor Who for in the first place.

2) As someone who hates Jo Grant, you'd think I'd be happy to see the back of her...if only so much of this six episode serial is taken up by the romcom bullcrap that is Jo and her romance with Professor Clifford Jones, played by Katy Manning's then-boyfriend Stuart Bevan. From their awful 'meet cute' to the artificial 'complications to the stunningly bad endangerment sequence for the Professor in the last two episodes, this is a legendarily awful outgoing character arc in a series known for its awful outgoing character arcs. And a large part of why it's awful is because it takes up so much of the serial itself--take out the romance, and you've got a four, maybe even a three part story. For that matter....

"Here, Jo--I got you this crappy plastic crystal thing as
your wedding present."

3) Even taking out the Jo/Cliff romance, this serial is stretched out. As with all the six-parters I've rewatched so far, there are episodes that boil down to one thing that really doesn't contribute much to the story as a whole. Hell, episode two is literally all about The Doctor and The Brig searching for cutting equipment. If John Nathan-Turner did one thing right (he did a couple, to be fair), it was his abolishing of the six part structure when he became the producer several years later.

4) In critiquing past Barry Letts produced serials, I've been critical of their use of rural stereotypes. Maybe it's because this story is more obsessed with corporate stereotypes (which we'll discuss in a moment), but the rural types in this serial are much more successfully. They're more fully fleshed out, and a couple of them are actually pretty damn smart. And I especially appreciate how they may not approve of 'The Nut Hatch'--Professor Jones' commune--but they do accept them.

There are times like these when you wish your so-called
hero would just expire...but then we'd be left with the
annoying, squeaky doll-baby....

5) As with most Who serials, the special effects are a hit-and-miss thing. The long shot of the giant, disease-infected maggots (the 'Green Death' of the title) that are obviously tinted rice being knocked off a mound of dirt are pretty hilarious in their ineptness...but the more detailed models, apparently made from condoms and fox skulls, are really disquieting, especially when they snarl.

6) ...but that giant, ummm, dragonfly that one of these maggots morphs into is really, really silly looking. The damn thing looks like a pipe cleaner insect, and the fact that said insect chases The Brig and Sargent Benton around for the bulk of an episode....it's dire.

7) Of course, supposedly the major villain of this story is B.O.S.S., of whom I am not entirely happy with. While I really like the voice reading given B.O.S.S. by John Dearth, which has a lot of humor and nuance, the fact is this is another computer-gaining-sentient-evil. Not only is computers-gaining-sentient-evil a trope that was tired even back in 1973 (hell, I covered a more primitive version of B.O.S.S. in The War Machines), but the presence of this figure just doesn't contribute a damn thing. You don't need evil computers to foul up the environment!

8) And while we're on the subject--after five episodes of B.O.S.S. acting all chummy and corporate-y, we get this extremely rushed 'I wanna be Colossus: the Forbin Project' plot that gets literally shoved into episode six. It once again emphasizes how thin this story is, and is nothing more than a scrabbling to tie up all those loose ends with a lot of running around and explosions.

9) Look, I can buy the Pertwee Doctor getting all pally with Professor Jones. What I don't buy is how quickly and easily The Brig comes over to the side of The Hippie Tree Huggers (or in this case, Fungus Growers). It seems to me that this is Robert Sloman's sensibilities bleeding through to the point where already established characters are acting contrary to how they've been established as acting.

10) I suppose I should say a few words about the whole Metabelis 3 thing that takes up a large part of episode one, becomes a key gewgaw to defeating B.O.S.S. and is brought back to help finish another interminable serial, Planet of The Spiders. It...well, it is what it is, a plot device....although I think the whole Metabelis 3 sequence seems another attempt to stretch things out to unreasonable ends, especially given how the whole things seems built up just so we can get a lame punchline.

Overall...I know a lot of people hold this serial in high regard, but this is a bloated and sanctimonious serial that seems more interested in pushing its agenda on us rather than telling a good Doctor Who serial. Even dumping one of my least favorite companions does little to make me appreciate it.

Ten Statements About....DOCTOR WHO STORY SIXTY-FIVE: THE THREE DOCTORS (1973)

"Of course I am a villian--I have a shouty voice
and a special mask...you know, like Dr. Doom!"

"Jo, it's all quite simple. I am he, and he is me--"
"And we are all together, goo goo gajoob?"

1) Let's be honest--the plot here has a potential for being thoroughly incidental since the main reason for this story to exist (written to commemorate the series' tenth anniversary) is to have all three Doctors hanging out together. And judged on that parameter, it is pretty cool, especially in the way writers Bob Baker and Dave Martin manage to capture the essence of each Doctor and rightly figure out how each incarnation would feel about each other.

2) And that's fortunate, because....well, this plot is kinda crap. It's very much of the five pounds of story in a ten pound sack mode, and lots of it is taken up with water treading and corridor walking and other time wasters.

3) And a big portion of those time wasters? The mass of characters wandering around when The Doctors get to Omega's World. Baker and Martin seemed compelled to give equal time to Jo and The Brig and Benton and The Professor and That Game Warden Who's There Only So We Can Have A Punchline At The End Of Episode Four. The whole story gets congested and slows due to the overstuffed cast, and I think it would have benefited from a smaller group (even if there are admittedly good character bits individually).

4) At this point, the Brigadier is a shadow of his former self--but damn if I didn't get a charge out of his chewing out Sargent Benton and Jo, reminding them that they are still members of UNIT. It still gives one hope he won't become a straight man for the Doctor later down the line....

They fight, and fight, and fight and fight and fight....

5) What fascinates me the most is how The Doctors interact with each other. The Troughton Doctor seems horrified that he becomes the cynical, arrogant Pertwee Doctor, while Pertwee treats Troughton with contempt...but both seem to have extreme reverence for The Hartnell Doctor, a reverence I'd almost categorize as familial. It's almost as if the other incarnations recognize Hartnell as their father.

6) And speaking of Hartnell, given how badly he's succumbed to dementia at the time of this airing, it's really impressive how well he comes off. Those small scenes are vital and alive, and you almost don't notice the way Hartnell is scanning the background for his lines. I only wish he got to actually interact in the flesh with the other two.

7) I know there are some people who think Stephen Thorne's Omega is a bit over-the-top, and frequently you can see some pieces of scenery in his (lack of) teeth....but there's that one moment when he realizes what has happened to him and lets loose with this seemingly endless keening cry. That moment almost makes his Brian Blesseding worth it.

8) Okay, let me get this straight--due to a combination of your own willpower and access to a black hole, you've been able to construct an entire world from force of mind...and yet when you have to create these minions, you come up with barrel-shaped, one eyed, one clawed things that look like a mess of partially digested cherry jelly beans? Shame on you, Omega. Shame on you.

"Ere!  You!  We want to talk to you about how a future
incarnation of you is eating up all our brother jelly babies!"

9) The thing that galls me about the Designated Rural Comic Relief for this story is not that it exists--it's a Terrence Dicks supervised script, so there has to be some stoic rural stereotype--but that said Designated Rural Comic Relief permeates the story so much. This character is constantly around, at one point prominently in the background while The Brig and Sargent Benton has a conversation. And the fact that he's there only to set up a final comedy sting makes me roll my eyes.

10) I think this is maybe the second time we've seen Gallifrey, and I like how even though it's still not there yet, most of what we now accept as being Gallifrey--the robes, the frontpieces, etc. are in place already. This is still an embryonic form of the Doctor's people, but I appreciate that we're getting there.

Overall...not a very good show, this story still is watchable thanks primarily to the great interaction between the three doctors of the title.

Ten Statements About....DOCTOR WHO STORY SIXTY-TWO: THE SEA DEVILS (1972)

"At least I don't need a haircut, monkey boy."

"Why? What are they so hostile? What have we done to them?"
"Well, they still think of Earth as their planet, Jo, and they want it back. As far as they're concerned, man is just an ape that got above himself."

1) Oh Lord, does this serial drag. This thing seems to take forever to play out, and there are whole episodes that are literally twenty minutes of filler with three or four minutes of actual plot floating in the middle of it.

2) And the biggest part of the filler is, sadly, The Master. There is simply no reason for him to be in this story, and he seems to be there solely because, you know, Hey...we've got The Master. Episode Two, in particular, seems weighed down by the character's presence.

3) Is it just me, or do the episodes of this serial feature some of the lamest cliffhangers in the series' history. I mean...The Master throws a knife at The Doctor? A guy runs down the hall at our heroes who proves to be a scared man? A Sea Devil raises his gun but does not fire? These final moments fill me with ennui....

"I'm eating a sandwich while swordfighting...because eating
sandwiches while swordfighting is coo'..."

4) While I understand that since Barry Letts got the cooperation of the British Navy for this serial he felt the need to use them a lot, this is a story that sorely needed the presence of UNIT, and of the Brigadier.

5) There are elements of the Sea Devils I actually find fascinating. The way they seem to press hands together as a greeting and as a way of pledging loyalty, for example, or the elegant design of their weapons. Those elements sort of balance out the silly blue netting that serves as their clothes.

6) I know there are people out there who insist if I give Jo a chance she'll grow on me, but she doesn't here, being content apparently to stand around waiting to be ordered about. And she's the center of one particularly annoying bit of filler where a scene is stuffed with endless bits of silent pantomine. That scene takes up an extra minute and change of watching Jo at a window waving her hands about in random attempts at communication.

7) I usually don't mention much of Ron Grainer's synth-skronk heavy scores...but while I respect the attempt to do something different for this serial, the score is thoroughly annoying. All the seemingly random squeaks and shrieks and sonar pings just interfere with the episode, distracting us from the action at hand.

8) There are certain plot twists in the Letts/Dicks era that at this point simply don't work. The late introduction of a Government Asshat to inhibit any chance of a peaceful solution is pretty hamfistedly handled, and yet another 'Master Needs The Doctor's Help' moment falls flat because we know The Doctor isn't going to switch sides by now. They even bring out the ol' 'regional/rural comedy figure' trope in Episode Two, although thankfully the character disappears after that.

"Damnit, I'm The Master--I belong in every serial, even this one!

9) I don't understand what the whole 'summoning device' thing brings to the story. I mean, they already established in the first episode that the handful of Sea Devils we see in the story is up and about and wrecking havoc on ships that wander into their realm....do we really need the whole foderol with the prison and the Master and stealing electronic parts for building the signal device. Excising that angle saves us an entire two episodes, and since the only thing we get is some minor fun exchanges between the Doctor and The Master, well...I'm willing to give that up.

10) Maybe it's because The Doctor is separate from his UNIT supporting cast, or maybe it's because he's busy underwater while the Government Asshat is causing problems with the navy, but he seems a touch...softer in this serial than in the last two I've viewed. While I appreciate that some of that softening works--the whistful sadness with which he talks about the Master in Episode One is actually very effective--I missed the sharper edges of those previous serial. That softness will soften further later on, but right now it's just a niggling feeling that I don't care for.

Overall...overlong, overcomplicated and, well, for long periods boring, this is a four parter--hell, maybe even a three parter swimming in a six-parter bag. And even though there are some interesting elements, it's not worth watching for them.

Ten Statements About....DOCTOR WHO STORY FIFTY-SEVEN: THE CLAWS OF AXOS (1971)

"We had an agreement--it followed you home, YOU walk it!"

"There are tremendous advantages for humanity in Axonite."
"Yes, tremendous material advantages, but I doubt if even Axonite could increase the growth of human common sense."

1) Let me get this out of the way--I hate Katy Manning's Jo Grant. As opposed to Liz Shaw, Jo is a useless companion who's there mainly to rival Victoria as a living scream generator. Yeah, she's got a great body, but that steel wool voice just sets my teeth on edge, and the way Pertwee guides her by the hand (because apparently Manning was so blind without glasses she had no idea where to go) just makes her appear more like a child than a spy trainee. I have no idea why this companion is so popular; this serial doesn't give me any reason.

2) Here's why I seem to prefer my Doctors more aloof or arrogant like Pertwee and the two Bakers to friendly or kindly...because of Pertwee's impatience, even contempt, for humanity makes us believe the moments where he offers to collaborate with The Master to escape from Earth, or offers an alliance with Axos in exchange for revenge against the Time Lords. The way that arrogance informs even smaller moments (I love when he's saying goodbye to everyone in Episode Four, his statement 'Goodbye, Jo. You I will miss' seems dripping with sarcasm) drives home the point that The Doctor is just Not From Around Here, no matter how he looks.

3) Man, I wish the Brigidier was as much a hard man as he is in these Pertwee serials. When he threatens people at this point in that calm, clipped British voice, I believe it. And when he shouts, you know Someone's Shit Is About To Be Fucked Up.

4) I know there are some people who think this serial is aggressively mediocre...and I'll be the first to admit that based solely on the story it's a little lackluster. But what I think elevates this is the truly wonky art direction. We're at the point in the series history where color is still a bit of a novelty, and these guys go to town imagining some insane stuff. The tones are so luridly vivid I can almost see Mario Bava coming up with the sets.

THIS is what happens when you sleep in your contact lenses.

5) And while I thoroughly understand why The Axons never got a second story (their very schtick makes their usefulness limited), I really liked how they were developed. There's something really elegant in the way these aliens are envisioned--the simple bodysuits in the swirling pastels, the golden masks with the unnerving solid gold eyes all contribute to give these aliens a real flaver....even with the visible zippers in the back.

6) Similar to Statement 4, this is without a doubt a Who serial rooted in the 60's. Hell, it's the series' version of a Romero zombie movie in that We Fuck It Up For Ourselves. The Axons are a credible threat, sure...but it isn't until Chin starts doing his best Administrative Asshole and begins distributing Axonite everywhere that the threat becomes dire.

7) Ahhhhh, yes...The Delgado Master. Is there a more effortlessly charismatic yet viciously dangerous character in Who history? There is such a naturalism to Delgado's performance that it just shows up the artificialness of both Ainley and Simm. Even in this serial, where The Master is there just to facilitate the plot, Delgado just shines.

For several years, the Doctor thought his companion was not
hot girl, but a chimpanzee....

8) Boy, I get a kick out of Paul Grist's Bill Filer. Not just because Grist is doing a parody of and American spy in the middle of a British show, but because, well, he seems to be a lot more action oriented than resident James Bond stand-in Captain Yates. Hell, I even tolerate his vague flirtation with Jo...since I was hoping that when he returned to Washington, he'd take her with him.

(And imagine my annoyance that, when sometime does show up willing to take Jo away, he's even more of a nob than she is....)

9) Apparently, this was meant to be a six-parter...and Thank God it was cut. This is a very simple story--so simple that even in four parts there's a segment in Episode Three that appears a little stretched out for time. I have to wonder if this serial would benefit even more if it had been devised as a three-parter instead of the then-standard four.

10) And here's the second Pertwee serial in a row where Pertwee is trying to convince us he's being menaced by a tentacle....by wrapping it around him and squirming. It still doesn't work.

Overall...while there are some wonky elements, including some scenery chewing (I'm looking at you, Peter Bathurst), this is a very simple, well executed serial bouyed by the absolutely insane and vivid set design.

Ten Statements About....DOCTOR WHO STORY FIFTY-ONE: SPEARHEAD FROM SPACE (1970)

I'm sorry...I'm laughing too hard to think up a caption.

"Since UNIT was formed, there have been two attempts to invade this planet. We were lucky enough to be able to stop them. There was a policy decision not to inform the public."
"Do you seriously expect me to believe that?"
"It's not my habit to tell lies, Ms. Shaw."

1) This is the only serial to be done wholly on film--and, truth be told, I really like the look of it. Sure, the sound quality is kinda hinky at times, but it further emphasizes the spy movie feel of this period forced upon producer Barry Letts by the severe budget cuts.

2) And here's something else I love--Caroline John as Liz Shaw. She provides a much different companion to the standard, and she seems to work really well with the more arrogant and righteous Doctor Jon Pertwee is portraying. If The Third Doctor is The Spy World Time Lord, Liz Shaw is his Emma Peel, a peer he can relate to and feel comfortable around. While I can certainly understand why Liz was given the boot after this season (when you're as smart as The Doctor, there's no need for him to explain things to you)....it doesn't mean I think it's a shame she only lasts a season, especially given what Pertwee ends up with.

(And yes, Avengers fans....if Liz Shaw is Emma Peel, Jo Grant is 100% Tara King.)

3) Similarly, I can understand why The Autons never made the Royal Court of Monsters--their second appearance diminished them as credible threats--but damn, they're cool. And the fact that they're just ill-fitted human vessels for a psychic entity, they'd be so much easier to do on the shoestring budget. Pity their rampage on the streets on London happens so late, because they're pure nightmare fuel.

4) ..and to be fair, part of the reason I love the Autons so much is due to the efforts of Hugh Burden, who as Channing provides a creepy and effective face to the Autons and The Nestene Consciousness. And it's not just his performance--his plastic make-up is so much more subtle and disturbing than, let's say, the facsimile General Scobie that you're never quite sure until it's made clear in Episode Three whether he's fallen in with the Autons because he's an alien...or because he's really, really wrong in the head.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Shaw...but after this year, our mandate from
the U.N. requires us to replace you with an idiot with
bigger tits."

5) You know what doesn't work--and it's something that will plague the series throughout the Pertwee era? The weird obsession with rural humor that Letts and Story Editor Terrance Dicks seems to wallow in. The subplot with the poacher and his wife is painfully unfunny, and is totally unnecessary to the story. This kind of thing is doubly puzzling given how Pertwee is a talented comedian who infuses his serials with humor that's logical to the series proper.

6) Maybe it's because my initial exposure to the Brigadier was in those two Tom Baker serials where he doesn't do much--but man, does he come off as a serious bad-ass in this serial...and because he is such a bad-ass, the whole sense of The Doctor and Liz creating their own little circle of two in opposition to him gives the series a much different flavor...at least until the empty-headed doll-baby that is Jo Grant shows up next season.

7) While I understand the appeal of incorporating Madame Tussaud's into a serial about using plastic facsimiles of important government officials as part of a massive plan to take over the country, the whole concept makes no sense. Didn't someone at some point balk about the constant stream of politicians and military folks pushing out the celebrities and public personalities? And why did Channing and co. think hiding the comatose, flesh and blood Scobie in plain sight as a display? The logic problems caused by this angle outweigh the potential charm and atmosphere the wax museum scenes could contribute.

What tipped people off to the alien invasion wasn't so much
the weird pastiness of their faces, but their appalling
fashion sense....

8) The thing that strikes me about this first appearance of The Third Doctor is how there are moment where Pertwee reaches back to the earliest days of Hartnell to create a Doctor who's somewhat...contemptuous of humanity. Oh, sure, this Doctor is very civil, even friendly towards humans he knows personality--genuine warmth comes off him in waves when he first interacts with the Brigadier, and he takes a very quick liking to Liz once her intelligence is apparent to him--but he's not fond of us as a whole. There are even moments where he seems to treat the people around him like children, expecting them to fall for the simplest tricks. It's an interpretation that provides continuity while going off on its own--and I can see the seeds of my favorite Doctor, Colin Baker, in Pertwee at this moment.

9) While I appreciate the way the serial disguised that UNIT HQ at this point was just a parking garage, a utility closet and a local classroom...except for that point in Episode Four where it's rather obvious the soldier guarding the parking garage is...well, a mannequin (and not one that starts walking around in herky jerky motion shooting people with its gun-hand) dressed as a UNIT soldier.

10) Given that it was probably cobbled together from some cellophane, a glass eye, a fishtank and a bicycle pump, the Nestene Consciousness is actually pretty effective. I do wish that they didn't pull the whole 'hero tries to convince you he's being strangled by some phony-looking tentacles' trope, however.

Overall...A very cool little storyline that sets up the new status quo effectively, features a great new alien race, and has a lot of neat grace notes. Recommended.