Ten Statements About....THE ISLAND (2005)

"Yeah...if I let it bite me now, I would have been remembered
as having a decent career..."

“I have discovered the Holy Grail of science. I give life. The agnates, they're simply tools, instruments. They have no souls. The possibilities are endless here. In two years' time, I will be able to cure children's leukemia. How many people on Earth can say that, Mr. Laurent?"
“I guess just you and God. That's the answer you're looking for, isn't it?”

1) Yep...I remember when Ewan McGregor was a thing.

2) Given that this is a rip-off--I mean unofficial remake of The Robert Fiveson film Parts: The Clonus Horror (hey, Dreamworks actually settled out of court when Fiveson’s copyright infringement case went to trial), it’s funny how this film jettisons any and all pretense of the mystery of what is going on in the first fifteen minutes of this two hour and twenty minute film.  Which doesn’t make sense given that, you know, the film is over two hours long....

3) ....but then if the film wasn’t two hours and change, we wouldn’t have a seemingly endless chase in and around Future Los Angeles with McGregor’s Lincoln Six Echo pushing what looks like oversized barbells off a truck to smash into cars and cause untold mayhem on a highway.  But then, you know...Michael Bay movie.

"And the part of the brain that dies when the
subject watches this movie is here."

4) Ahhhh, yes.  Whenever the names Kurtzman and Orci comes up in a movie’s credits, it’s time to abandon all hope that it’ll make a lick of sense.

5) Is there a solid reason other than ripping off some visuals from Blade Runner and The Fifth Element that this film takes place in the far flung future of 2050?  It adds literally nothing essential to the story, and actually hinders Djimon Hounsou’s Laurent’s backstory.

6) And speaking of Laurent, it’s a shame that Hounsou is obviously there to literally be an accent so that his face turn in act three makes sense--at least to Bay.  His character is otherwise indistinct and could be played by any one of a number of actors.

And now competing in the 'lifting useless things'
competition....

7) You know, Sean Bean’s Dr. Merrick has the potential for being a much more ambivalent villain...if he didn’t run around indiscriminately killing the ‘Agnets’ and behaving like such an asshat once Lincoln and Scarlett Johanssen’s Jordan Two Delta make their escape.  He becomes such a cardboard mustache twirler that those moments where he justifies his actions just fall flat.

8) There are some characters who are meant to be Bay’s hamfisted attempt at comic relief (Ethan Phillips’ Jones Three Echo is particularly winge-worthy), which makes Steve Buscemi’s turn as James McCord all the more remarkable.  He manages to be both comic relief and the major expository dump without losing sight of either requirement.  It’s kinda sad that he gets his pass out of the film relatively early, given he’s the one breath of life in it.

9)  It’s obvious that Bay, Kurtzman and Orci all mean the moment where Lincoln Three Echo proclaims himself as simply Lincoln is supposed to be a major pump the air moment--and it would be if they had bothered giving Lincoln and Merrick and, you know, anybody any sort of characterization.

Scarlett Johanssen is puuuurty...

10) Here’s the funny thing...Merrick is right when it comes to Lincoln and Jordan.  Since one has been killed and the other died while in a coma, they could live out their lives....and yet they choose instead to release all their friends into the middle of a desert, with no conception of how to live a real life and nowhere to go.  So the ‘inspirational’ moment of the last sequence is a crock.

Overall...a really awful, empty and soulless movie that offers nothing whatsoever, the equivalent of someone putting you in a chokehold and screaming in your ear about how much they loved Parts: The Clonus Horror.

Ten Statements About....CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER (2014)

"Yeah, I've been thinking...this is a crap costume, Nick."

“I won’t fight you.  I’m your friend.”
“You’re my mission."

1) As with all successful Marvel movies, this film strives to give us a different feel from its peer.  In this case, it’s a Tom Clancy-style political thriller complete with a fetishism of hardware and lots of double blinds and backstabbing.

2) I don’t care what Joe Quesada says; we need Scarlet Johansson’s Black Widow to be featured in her own film.  Hell, we need Black Widow to show up in every Marvel movie from now on (yes, even Guardians of The Galaxy).  One has only to see Johansson in the first act, and her easy chemistry with Chris Evans, to know that This Is True.

3) I love how this film has a different feel from the first Cap film, yet it manages to tie into the first film very, very strongly.  Hell, the plot (beyond the obvious connection) is seeped in the plot of the first, actively evoking one of the villains of that original film in a version that made my comic reader heart beat a little faster.

Yep...I'd let her shoot me....

4) BATROC!  BATROC THE M’FIN’ LEAPER!  And not only does he give Cap a tough, exciting fight at the top of the first act, not only does he make it clear that savate is a martial art Not To Be Fucked With, he is wearing a version of the purple and orange outfit he wears in the comic.  As someone who isn’t ashamed to admit that Batroc is my favorite Cap baddie bar none, this made me geek out.

5) Boy, does Anthony Mackie make The Falcon come off as a bad ass.  In keeping with the Tom Clancy feel of this film, Mackie’s Sam Wilson has a much more militaristic origin and justification for his wings.  But Mackie breathes life into the character, selling the action and fighting sequence with gusto and energy.  And one of the best action sequences involves him and a slew of Helicarrier guns.

6) I find it clever that the film cast Robert Redford, who appeared in his share of political movies--Hell, he was the candidate in The Candidate--as Pierce.  This is an example of stunt casting that works, as the resonance of many of Redford’s previous roles gives more authority to him in this role.

Forget The Winter Soldier...Viva Batroc!

7) While I did like some of the incidental world building (the name drop of Dr. Strange was particularly surprising), I was somewhat disappointed by the use and ultimate fate of Maximiliano Hernandez’ Jasper Sitwell.  Part of that may be because I’ve always contended that Agent Coulson should have been Sitwell, but most of it is because of the character’s legacy in the comics and his build up throughout the movieverse makes his use here seem like a waste.  I wonder if it would have been better to establish another, original character over the course of a few movies or use someone like Victoria Hand, who at least has a rep for being a little more mutable in her alliances.

8) Even though she doesn’t look like Hayley Atwill (but then, maybe Marvel Studios wanted to distance themselves from the whole ‘dating your WWII girlfriend’s descendant thing that adds to the overall creepiness when it comes to Silver Age Marvel Relationship Politics), Emily Van Camp does make a decent Agent 13 on the surface...if they gave her more to do other than pretend to be a nurse and get all contrary with authority figures.  Van Camp gets so little that I wondered why they didn’t just take advantage of the Evans/Johansson chemistry and make Natasha into his romantic interest.

Why?  Because extra Scarjo makes things better...

On second thought, given the awkward way she handles her one action scene, maybe the smallness of her role is a good thing.

9)  While I liked how Evans’ portrayal of Cap is consistent with my view of Steve Rogers as ‘The Last Stand Up Guy’ (the scenes of him visiting an aged Peggy and interacting with The Winter Soldier once he learns who he is drives this home), I have some problems with the way he tacitly approves of the behavior of other people around him.  There’s one scene where he seems to gleefully approve of something very violent that Natasha does--an act he seems to have counted on her doing--that made me real uncomfortable.  I know some people will wave this off as Cap being a soldier, but I don’t think that his being a soldier should supercede what has been established about him up to this point.

10) Look, I know that on one level I went ‘duh,’ when I saw that final title card--but damn if it still doesn’t get me all psyched in the same way all those ‘James Bond Will Return In...’ title cards did when I was a youth.

Overall...an excellent follow-up to an excellent orginal, better in keeping the through line of the character vital than Thor: The Dark World.

I returned to The Regal Atlas Park, and managed to almost totally avoid the Regal First Look.  I was tha assailed with ten trailers if you count the half-assed ‘behind the scenes preview’ of A Haunted House 2.  Amongst the trailers, there was Godzilla (which looks like they’re going to get it right this time), Lucy (in which someone makes an argument for Scarlett Johansson being more than able to carry a Black Widow movie) and, of course, Guardians of The Galaxy (which actually looks pretty good, considering my lukewarm reaction to James Gunn’s previous films).

Ten Statements About....THE AVENGERS (2012)

"You gotta strut, pout, put it out/that's what you want from..."

"The Avengers. It's what we call ourselves, sort of like a team. 'Earth's Mighiest Heroes' type thing."
"Yes, I've met them."
"Yeah, takes us a while to get any traction, I'll give you that one. But let's do a head count here: your brother the demi-god; a super soldier, a living legend who kind of lives up to the legend; a man with breath-taking anger management issues; a couple of master assassins, and YOU, big fella, you've managed to piss off every single one of them."

1) I owe Joss Whedon an apology, as in this film he manages to prove he is able to do big-ass on-screen action and super-heroics...and manages to find new and engaging ways to do said big-ass on-screen action (although there is a moment which makes me wonder if he was aware of the criticism some people leveled at him, myself included, and decided to spoof it).

2) Mark Ruffalo's take on Bruce Banner is rather interesting. There's a strange sense of humor running under his take, a kind of bemused sarcasm that plays off of Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark really well. And while I still don't buy the reasoning Banner gives for controlling his Hulk-Outs in the third act, I can see how Ruffalo made those choices to bolster that contention.

3) At first, I really thought Clark Gregg's beloved Agent Coulson was acting out of character when he went all fanboy in the presence of Chris Evans' Captain America...but then I realized that what Whedon was doing was showing how Coulson's admiration for Cap is what spurred him on to become the super-cool secret agent we've grown to like in the previous four films, that Cap's selflessness became a template for Coulson's sense of duty and honor, and spurs on his actions later in the film.

4) One of the things I really, really appreciated was how we had our heroes actively using their powers to save people at time rather than just beating things up. Iron Man trying to jumpstart the helicarrier, Cap making the save in the bank....these moments gave us a sense of these characters being heroes and not just gaily-dressed guys beating up armored lizard guys.

"Goodness...is that...our profits?"

5) So first Scarlett Johanssen, now Cobie Smolders...is it the agenda of these movies to get every woman I think is hot squeezed into a formfitting SHIELD uniform? Can I look forward to Kristen Bell playing Daisy Johnson? Maybe McPhee as Victoria Head?

6) I was also appreciative that the only real member of the Joss Whedon Day Players was Alex Denisoff's Other (unless you count Chris Hemmworth, who got Thor thanks to Cabin In The Woods)--and he was buried under make-up. But then, this is perhaps the least Whedon-feeling of Whedon's productions, even though there are large elements that are Whedon-esque.

7) While Tom Hiddleston's Loki acts a great deal more like an actual super-villain, he's still excellent in the role. He successfully gives us a proper face to the Big Shouty Alien Bug Invasion, and both puts forth his agenda ('It's easier to give up freedom, isn't it?') with a degree of rational thought and revels in his mischief.

"So you really think I'll be sticking around as Banner?"

8) While I recognize that the 'meet-and-fight' sequence that pulls the curtain down on Act One is there to give us a legitimate action beat while also giving fanboys a bit of a thrill...I wonder if it was actually necessary. It's not like Fury wouldn't have briefed everyone on each other, or that they'd be aware of each other's abilities. Yeah, it's a satisfying dust-up, but it could easily, easily have been sidestepped with a few lines of dialogue...

No, wait...this isn't supposed to be a Brian Michael Bendis comic.

Wow....that's....ummm, kinda tight, innit,
Cobie?"

9) I also recognize that someone had to get the short end of the stick, and I'm not surprised that it's mostly Those New Kids--Jeremy Renner's Hawkeye (who comes off as pretty much a cipher) and Smolder's Maria Hill. However, I am impressed that the script gives us a sense of both characters in the main action that we don't feel too left out. Hell, in the case of Hawkeye, what we learn made me actively interested in seeing this talked-about Hawkeye and Black Widow movie if said movie was a prequel that revealed the story they referenced a couple of time.

10) That last act could have been a massive mess of shaky-cam confusion...but I love how Whedon came up with lots of innovative action set pieces (the way Cap and Iron Man worked together utilizing the shield to focus and direct the repulsor blasts) and moments of genuine characterization that kept the film's momentum engaging. It's absolutely fitting that the last moment in the film includes a testimony from a seeming bystander making reference to Cap saving her during that last act.

Overall...about as great as a super-hero movie could be while still being unapologetically a super hero movie, this is the greatest movie little twelve year old Tom could have imagined when he was reading those old Shooter/Perez issues....and is a great two hours and change for adult Tom to experience. Here's hoping the next one is half as fun.

Ten Statements About....IRON MAN 2 (2010)

I'm Robert Downey Jr. and yes, I Am Coo'....

1) Jon Favreau and writer Justin Theroux have their hearts firmly set in the Michiliene/Layton run of the book, from the usage of personal favorite Justin Hammer to the way they mash-up elements of both the 'Demon In The Bottle' and 'Paralyzed' storyline to form the main storyline.

2) I don't care what anyone says...replacing Terrance Howard with one of my favorite actors, Don Cheadle, to portray James Rhodes represents an upgrade. The chemistry between Cheadle and Downey is stronger.

3) As someone who used to live a mile from Flushing Meadow Park, I love how Favreau managed to use all the recognizable landmarks to make up his Stark Expo...and then just as gleefully decimates them.

4) There is something truly eiree about how much Scarlett Johanssen resembled The Black Widow, and I found the scene where she goes all Old Boy on a corridor of Hammer guards fun--especially given how we can gauge her quickness by comparing her progress against Happy. Wish they would have allowed her to use her widow's sting through her gauntlets, though...

Do I even need to justify why I used this
photo?

5) Just as Favreau mashed up two storylines to create Stark's character arc, I like how he mashed up The Crimson Dynamo and Whiplash to create a more low-tech but just as scary menace in our man Vashenko....

6) Yes. I did squeal like a little girl when Tony put on his suitcase armor...why do you ask? It was part of a whole bunch of fan service that didn't seem forced or out of place, unlike with other comic book adaptations (I'm looking at you, Smallville).

7) I can see why so many people complain that this is more of a transitionary piece between the first movie and The Avengers....but since I'm one of those people who liked The Empire Strikes Back (back when I gave a crap about Star Wars) because it was transitionary, I have no problems with that....

8) More Coulson-who-should-be-named-Jasper-Sitwell! Yes!

The most underrated character in the Marvel movies.  Period

9) Admittedly, Sam Rockwell's Justin Hammer owes quite a bit to his star turn as Chuck Barris in Confessions of A Dangerous Mind...except that the nature of his arrangement with Vashenko reflects the way Hammer operated in the comic. Given that Hammer is left alive, I can only hope he emerges somewhere down the line being Tony's dark mirror, using his genius to fund villains and miscreants.

10) My only regret in the way the relationship between Stark and Pepper progresses in this film? My hopes to see a Cinematic Universe version of Bethany Cabe is now down to nil.

In short...well, I was predisposed to like this film, and it did not give me a reason not to like it. It made me feel like a little kid coming home with his stash of Marvels from the local candy store, which is something I'm getting less and less these days.