Ten Statements About....DESPERADO (1995)

Yep...one of the hottest women in the world and Antonio
Bandares walking away from an explosion.  Nothing more
to say here, really..

"Easier to pull a trigger than play a guitar.  Easier to destroy than to create."

1) Even moreso than Sam Raimi and Evil Dead 2, Robert Rodriguez structures this film so that it can be both a sequel and a remake.  We do get flashbacks and dialogue callbacks to El Mariachi, but there are new elements that make it feel like its own movie.  Plus the presence of Carlos Gallardo in a very flashy cameo toward the end (that does not in any way contradict his character in the previous film) can make the argument that this is a parallel film in the same universe a valid one.

2) Watching this after watching Rodriguez’s later films in the same tradition like the Machete films, it strikes me that he has a much better balance of the outrageous and comedic elements here.  The humor never gets in the way of his intention to make a modern day spaghetti western reset in Chicano dress.  And speaking of humor....

3) ...as good as Antonio Banderas is, as good as Salma Hayek is, the true MVP of this film is Joaquim de Almieda.  Almieda’s Bucho has the unenviable task of being both a credible bad guy while also carrying the bulk of the humor, and he does so with grace and aplomb.  This film would have fallen apart if Almieda didn’t handle both aspects of Bucho well.

4) You know, the sexiest moment in the film is not the sweaty love scene of Banderas and Hayek rolling about naked (and don’t get me wrong...naked Salma Hayek is always a good thing), but the bookends to that scene.  The brief moment of Hayek’s Carolina helping Banderas play guitar, and the equally brief moment of her singing with eyes closed as Banderas prepares to defend himself are so easy in their sensuality that no amount of nudity can match it.

Is there anything more Rodriguez than a gorgeous Chicano
woman shooting a gun?

5) You wanna know how you can get your audience to accept something as insane and out there as a guitar case rocket launcher, Robert Rodriguez?  You pepper your movie with smaller examples of nuttiness so that when the insane moment shows up the audience is ready for it.

6) There are some moments in here that remind you that Rodriguez had a real painterly eye for compositions before he fell down the ‘all exploitation all the time’ rabbit hole...the moment where Banderas is stumbling down an alleyway, leaving brilliant smears of blood on the white adobe wall, is both horrifying and beautiful at the same time.

7) And I do respect how Rodriguez at this point in his career is not only aware of how ludicrous his action can be, he comments on it.  Just take a look at the parallel scenes from the first and second act of this film--first we get Steve Buscemi narrating an aggrandized, over the top gun battle, then we get Quentin Tarantino (why is it only Rodriguez can get tolerable performances out of QT?) telling a piss joke prior to an over the top gun fight that is awkward and obviously exhausting for all involved.  It’s an effective bit of metacommentary on his own style.

Yep...a mariachi with a rocket launcher guitar case...nothing
more to say here.

8) I do like the fact that this film is very much about grey areas, which is why it is at its core a spaghetti western (a burrito western?).  When not only one of the supporting characters, but the female lead are cooperating with Bucho, it changes our point of view on our hero’s quest.

9)  I really wish Steve Buscemi’s American had been given a larger role, simply because he provides the closest thing we get to a conscience for our POV character that none of the other characters can be because of their cooperation with Bucho.

10) I have to respect this film for deciding what it wants and then working out a way to logically make it happen.  Just look at how Rodriguez makes it so that he has the shot of Hayek and Banderas walking away from an explosion without it looking stupid, unlikely or cheesy.

Overall...a very good example of how you can feed your grindhouse belly without the story flying off thoroughly into fantasy land, bouyed by some excellent performances.

Ten Statements About....MACHETE KILLS (2013)

Yep...Amber Heard is riding Danny Trejo.  Which proves
no virtue goes unrewarded...

"Machete don't tweet."

1) Boy, Robert Rodriguez really, really wants to direct a Star Wars movie, doesn't he?

No, seriously--there is a point in this film where the Star Wars tropes so overwhelms it that it forgets what made the original film so enjoyable, namely that this was a gory late 70's action film with Danny Trejo stuck in the role usually reserved for some white pretty boy.  Sure, the intention this time seemed to be to pluck the old Mexican in the middle of a spy movie, but the sudden turn into science fiction doesn't work.

2) ...but then, Rodriguez seems so excited by all these new characters he wants to introduce that he seems to forget this is a film about, you know, Machete.  Not that I'm saying that El Chameleon and Voz and Miss San Antonio and Desdemona The Maneater and Mexican Dennis Miller aren't fun characters; I'm saying that Rodiguez spends so much time setting them up and letting them play around that Machete and the characters already set up in his world almost seem like an afterthought.

3) Is it just me, or did it seem like Rodriguez was setting up Charlie Sheen's President Rathcock as either an ally of Mel Gibson's Voz or the ultimate mastermind behind him?  That political campaign ad in the middle of the film seemed to do everything but scream out 'bad guy in disguise'.  I suppose I should be grateful that he doesn't pull the trigger on that, but if you're just going to make Rathcock into a foul mouthed straight shooter, why bother muddying the water?

4) See, Hollywood?  It is possible to make Michelle Rodriguez smile and have fun in spots while still keeping her bad ass credentials.  Hell, we get her doing the big patriotic speech to rally the troops and kick Amber Heard's ass while blind.  Let's keep that in mind for Fast Seven, 'kay?

5) Okay, I give Demain Bichir major props for being a theatrical star in Mexico City, and for appearing in a Santo movie.  But I can't buy him as Mendez because every time he slips into his psychotic personality he

"Of course I have a heart!  It's right
here in this jar!"

becomes Mexican Dennis Miller and I keep expecting him to make Cop Rock references.

6) I know there are some people who have rolled their eyes in disgust ever since the first photos of Sofia Vengara's Desdemona showed up online....but I don't have a problem with her.  It's obvious that Vengara is having fun with this character who's the opposite of the one she plays in Modern Family, and she fits within the world that was set up in the first film.

7) Whether you think Mel Gibson is a racist, misogynistic pig dog or not, he gives a really amazing performance as Voz--which is even more amazing considering what a strange and wrongheaded character Voz is.  Gibson takes this messed-up bundle of science fiction and spy movie cliches and actually put real thought into it.  This results in a character with a level of realization that maybe doesn't deserve it.

8) The political content of this film is not only weird, it's contradictory to the political content of the original film.  Starting with the scene where President Rathcock gives Machete 'what every Mexican wants'--namely, U.S. Citizenship--and continuing with Michelle Rodriguez giving the speech about it not being about Mexico anymore, the film seems unconcerned with the immigration agenda the original embraced.  And given that it slides into cheapjack sci-fi James Bond-isms, well....

"You make one more reference I don't understand,
Mexican Dennis Miller, and I will so cut you!"

9)  Another thing that's missing here from the film is those 'what the hell' moments that infused the original.  There are plenty of attempts to do so, especially when we get to Voz's compound and he shows off his science fiction toys, but they don't have the impact of, let's say, Machete using a man's intestines as a rope or Lindsey Lohan dressed as a nun mowing people down.  Maybe it's because the 'oh shit' moments in this film are both calculated and centered around hardware instead of behavior.

10) I think it's indicative of how bored I was with the later half of the film that when Antonio Banderas shows up driving an evangelical tractor trailer (just go with it), my main thought was how cool it would be if this film was a Machete/El Mariachi crossover rather than the mess I was actually watching.

Overall...A thorough mess on almost every level that manages to undermine the strength of the Machete franchise at every turn.

And incidentally--Fuck you, editor of the Machete Kills television spots for ruining several of the major plot twists with that MMA/Ready To Rumble style campaign.

I was one of three people who were in the theater at Atlas Park to see this crumbling of a franchise first hand.  I have to be honest--none of the trailers appealed to me.  Hell, the closest thing to a promo I liked was the little behind-the-scenes stunt segment with Johnny Knoxville for Bad Grampa.

Ten Statements About....PLANET TERROR (2007)

Yep...a short Mexican, an Indian and two hot chicks sporting
guns...that's pretty much this film's aesthetic....

"Don't shoot yourself. Don't shoot each other. And especially... don't shoot me."

1) Man, I don't get why Rose MacGowan doesn't have a bigger career--not only because she's gorgeous (the opening go-go dance over the credits should be used as a tutorial for actresses who want to move like a stripper without actually, you know, stripping), but because she's genuinely funny.  Throughout this film, MacGowan's comedic timing is excellent, and many of her lines are laugh-out-loud hilarious.

2) ...although if I had to pick my favorite hot woman in a film stacked with hot women, I'd have to go with Marley Shelton's Dakota Black.  There's something about her eyes that thoroughly sends me, and her story arc (not to mention her strange...aptitude with her hypodermics) makes her a unique character even before Rose MacGowan's Cherry gets, ummmm, 'reloaded.'

(And yes, we will be getting to the Crazy Babysitter Twins...how could we not?)

3) I love the sheer chutzpah of Robert Rodriguez casting as his main bad-ass Carpenter-esque hero short, slight little Freddy Rodriguez as 'El Wray' (which may very well by a reference to legendary surf guitarist Link Wray)....but damn if Rodriguez doesn't live up to the challenge, moving through the film like a laid-back cheetah and handling both his action and his comedy scenes perfectly.  It helps that he has exceptional chemistry with MacGowan; even when he is mocking her, there is no question about the affection Wray has for Cherry.

4) The reason why I feel this movie is a more faithful example of grindhouse cinema even while Tarantino's Death Proof is a better film is how Rodriguez has a very 'anything goes' attitude.  There's a definite sense that he's shoveled in any crazy idea that once popped into his head when putting this film together--wanna see the hero shooting zombies while riding a pocket bike?  Done.  Wanna see a rapist's raping unit fall apart?  Done.  Wanna see the hottest woman on earth with a machine gun, grenade-enabled leg?  You got it!

5) ....and yet, there is a plan in Rodriguez' head, and he makes very deliberate choices to advance that plan, from the way discoloration creeps around a person when he's introduced to indicate his intentions are nefarious to the way the virtuous deaths (i.e. the ones we're supposed to feel bad about) happen off-screen, while the gratuitous deaths (i.e. the ones we're supposed to cheer on or be pleasantly grossed-out by) are seen in full view.  Hell, Rodriguez counts on us to pick up these connections so that he can just go nuts and get back to the crazy ideas.

No, wait...THIS defines this film's aesthetic better than
anything....

6) This is a film that is really, really splattery, with lots of grotesque practical effects.  That being said, the two moments of bodily violence that really made me wince are done with no real special effects.  The death of Dakota's son (played by Rodriguez' son) happens offscreen, with only the sound of a gunshot indicating that it has occured, and is made all the more harrowing due to Shelton's performance in this scene.  But for me, what happens when Dakota slips and falls while trying to open her car door while anesthetized is the single most painful moment of the film to watch.

7) There are moments where I think the film loses its direction during the final act, where the townspeople and the military people finally intersect.  This is the first section of the film where it starts sputtering in fits and starts, particularly in the jail cell and when Dakota and Cherry are appropriated by Quentin Tarantino's Rapist G.I.  It's the first time that we are no longer distracted by the parade of outrageous stuffage and start thinking about those big ol' truck-sized holes in the plot.

Ahhh, the beauty that is the Avellan Twins...and remember,
they're not Sickos...they're just crazy...

8) Even if the film wasn't good--and it is very, very good--I would love this movie if only because it introduced me to Electra and Elise Avellan, a.k.a. The Crazy Babysitter Twins.  These two are just insane in their small role, and they provide some excellent distraction in a moment when things are about to get very, very dark in the film.

9) Supposedly, Rodriguez had asked John Carpenter to do the score, but Carpenter was unable to do so at the last minute...which is fortunate, because I could not imagine anyone but Rodriguez doing the score.  The music's grinding skronk-guitar fits the film's aethetic perfectly.

10) I do wonder if there was a way to keep Josh Brolin's Dr. Black around longer.  Of all the villainous types, he's the one that makes the most impression with his performance and not with his face.  He creates a very spooky, chilling character who has this weirdly uncanny resemblance to Nick Nolte that helps shore up the idea that this is some forgotten New World Picture discovered in some back room in L.A. somewhere.

Overall...a film that properly captures the mix of gruesomeness and fun of low budget genre filmmaking in the 70's shored up by some excellent performances and a sharp, perceptive directorial turn by Rodriguez.

Ten Statements About....FROM DUSK 'TIL DAWN (1995)

Do you know how much willpower it takes to look away
from Aztec Bikini Salma Hayek?

"I'm peachy, Kate. The world is my oyster. Except for the fact that I just...I just rammed a wooden stake into my brother's chest because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believein vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything is hunky dory."

1) You know, this may be the greatest Tarantino performance ever. Save for one speech at the beginning, he doesn't speak much, he gets frequently knocked around and coldcocked, and is killed halfway through.

Yep. Greatest performance ever.

2) How perverse is it that Texas Ranger Earl McGraw's first appearance results in his demise?

3) I love how Rodriguez and Tarantino cast some of characters against type--thus, George Clooney is a Parker-esque bad-ass, and Harvey Keitel is a disillusioned minister--and we're not even touching upon how two of the three Cheech Marin parts are waaaay against type.

4) Man, when Salma Hayek does her Aztec Bikini dance, its like the entire film just holds its breath. And that's how it should be.

Because plain ol' Danny Trejo wasn't scary enough...

5) Give it to Robert Rodriguez for finding a way to make Danny Trejo scarier--because what's scarier than Danny Trejo looking to fuck you up than a vampire Danny Trejo looking to fuck you up.

6) Speaking of Clooney's Seth and Keitel's Jacob--I really like how their relationship develops. Over the course of this film, these two men develop a respect for each other, and through this respect become transformed--Jacob by reconnecting with his faith, and Seth by slowly leaving his rage behind and becoming a somewhat better man...a better man that knows damn well not to drag Julliette Lewis' Kate down the pre-destined road he's on.

7) A lot has been written about how this film takes a sudden u-turn into horror territory after Salma's Aztec Bikini Dance. The reason I think that sudden switch is so effective is because Rodriguez and Tarantino keep both genres in their respective sections of the film...thus, the film starts finding its black sense of humor only after the change-up happens. Up until that point, it's a very tense little crime thriller with echoes of Of Mice And Men.

8) You know, I would love to know what a world would be like where Tom Savini never went into make-up and became a full-time actor...as I've mentioned when talking about Knightriders, he's genuinely good and in this film manages to sell some of the broader laugh lines. Plus, in this film, he manages to prevent us from laughing at loud over the fact he's named Sex Machine. That's gotta count for something.

Is it just me, or is some variation of this shot in every film
Tarantino has been involved with?

9) Man, once we reach the hour mark this film just gets super-gooey to the point of parody. And the funny thing is that, with all the gore when the cast is trapped in the Titty Twister, the most disturbing moment happens in a motel room where Seth discovers what his brother did to their hostage. Rodriguez just lets the scene play out, giving us little, quick-to-the-point-of-subliminal shots of what the room the Geckos are looking at looks like...

10) Give it to Tarantino to actually dispute his movie influences in this one--to the point where certain plot elements are taken from the literary sources. The whole 'El Rey' angle is something lifted whole from the much superior, but arguably unfilmable end of the Jim Thompson novel that inspired Peckinpah's The Getaway.

Overall...the kind of genre bending film I absolutely adore, a controlled scream of rage and panic that manages to keep things moving for its entire running time. Plus, you get to see George Clooney acting as a total bad-ass with tribal tattoos...and he knocks Tarantino out cold....

Hey, enjoy The Aztec Vampire Bikini Dance!

Ten Statements About....THE FACULTY (1998)

Just because Robert Patrick acting all up with people doesn't
mean he's an alien....right? Right?

"Body Snatchers is a story somebody made up, dingus. It's located in the fiction section of the library."

"So is Schindler's List. Look, all fiction is based on truth, right?"

 

1) Even though this is a Robert Rodriguez film, it belongs more to Kevin Williamson and, as such it has the weakness every Williamson film has--namely, when the movie is dialogue driven, it works beautifully. The second it starts relying on things outside of human interaction, it fails.

2) Seriously--the films literally falters every time the CGI craziness starts, and totally collapses the second the aliens stop being guys behaving oddly and start becoming big ass tentacle monsters. And the sad thing is how, right in the middle of Teen Stars Being Chased By All-Mouth-Squid Thing, we get a brief moment where the Queen Alien reverts back to human form and gives a lovely speech about her origin. That moment, with the human alien walking through a darkened locker room, only these snaky shadows following it giving indication that this is Not A Normal Teen, is so achingly beautiful it kills the rest of the climax once it ends.

3) Boy, I remember when Jon Stewart wanted to be an actor. Am I the only one secretly glad how that worked out?

4) I don't think this would have worked half as much if Robert Patrick--an actor who is so much better than he allows himself to be most of the time--chose to make his Coach so reasonable and even tempered after his transformation instead of being Cold Emotionless Guy. Seeing him smiling and supportive of everyone is waaaaay creepier.

"RAAAAR!  I'm a late 90's CGI Monsta!  FEARS ME!"

5) I liked how the pre-title sequence makes it out to be more of a slasher, right down to the red-glowey title card.

6) Having so many of the adult actors playing against type--I swear I didn't recognize Famke Janssen for a long time when she was playing pre-alien Miss Burke--worked well, as it ups the ante of paranoia amongst our Outsider Teens.

7) Salma Hayek in a nurse's outfit. Why didn't you show us more of this, Mr. Rodriguez? It's like you don't know how blisteringly solar she is....

8) Going back to that climax--I really wish that the coda had the balls to not show our heroes going through such shocking transformations. It sort of blunts the whole fact that the guys who survived the ordeal are the ones who kept their individuality when the Goth Girl suddenly shows up in a gingham dress with her make-up Stridex'd off.

Ewwwww....don't kiss her, Josh Harnett--she's got alien cooties!

9) I find it absolutely hilarious that the film's de facto Final Girl is Elijah Wood. I suspect it's his big eyes that convinced Rodriguez this had to happen.

10) It needs to be said...Jordana Brewster may have been cute as a teen actor, but she didn't truly become beautiful until she got older and grew some lines on her face. I think she also grew a bit as an actor as well....

Overall...for what it is, and accepting that it degenerates into Rodriguez wanting to get in touch with his Carpenter love by emulating The Thing in a half-assed way, it works as a good popcorn kinda horror-thriller. If only it had the courage to be a little more restrained with its monster effects in the third act....

Ten Statements About....PREDATORS (2010)

It's an Oscar winner--with GUNS!!!!

1) The reason this reboot/sequel (it ties directly into the first film and does not acknowledge anything after that) works is because it goes back to the reason why the first one works--a group of warriors are hunted by something that sees them as prey in an exotic locale. What few additions to the mythos are done very lightly so that the core of the action never gets stopped.

2) Similarly, I like how the title of the film has a double meaning.

3) Just like with the first film, the script by Alex Litvak and Michael Finch takes its time to put in some little character beats for all of the seven protaganists. Not a lot, mind you--even main hero Royce (Adrien Brody) gets sketchy background info, but it's enough for you to get a sense of who he is and where he's coming from.

Machete does not get hunted by ugly monsters...no, wait....

4) Well...if you're going to kill someone from your cast to prove what a bad-ass your aliens are, you can't go far wrong with Danny Trejo--especially after you see him kicking everyone's ass in the trailer for Machete preceeding the movie.

5) Count Nimrod Atal (who I thought was a pseudonym for Robert Rodriguez until I learned he directed Armored and Vacancy) as a director who knows how to shoot action effectively. Hell, there are a handful of action beats--including an incredible fight between a blade-gloved Predator and a katana-wielding Louis Ozawa Changchien in the middle of a field in a downpour--which elicited applause from the audience.

6) Is the sudden appearance of Laurence Fishburne a surprise? Yes. Is the whole sequence involving his character necessary to the plot? No. It's perhaps the one bit of fat that could've been trimmed from the film's running time.

7) Damn if Alice Braga isn't a near-spitting-image of her aunt, Sonia Braga....

8) There's a massive plot twist that doesn't work because the entropic nature of the character it involves is telegraphed miles away.....

9) The production takes full advantage of its Texas and Hawaii locations to create the alien landscape that is the film's setting.

"Daylight...see the dew on the sunflower...."

10) Thankfully, except for the jokey use of a Little Richard tune at one point, the score is subtle, never interfering with the film proper.

In short...a blueprint on how to do a reboot if you absolutely have to.

Incidentally, amongst the six trailers were ones for Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (which might give me the same sugar-buzz happiness that Speed Racer gave me, plus Elizabeth Mary Winstead in pink hair.....) and, more importantly, the official feature film trailer for Machete, which not only gives us the joy of Danny Trejo kicking ass and Cheech Marin as a shotgun-toting priest, but the surprising additions to the cast--Steven Segal? Jessica Alba?  Robert deNiro?

Oh...and the Crazy Babysitter Twins in matching white dresses and heels shooting machine guns. Gotta love that.

Ten Statements About....MACHETE (Twice!) (2010)



Danny Trejo looks to have some words with the critics....

1) Make no bones about it--Richard Rodriguez has become the greatest living purveyor of weapon porn. This film fetishizes its weapons to a ridiculous degree, and recognizes that there's something primal inside of every man that makes them respond to a hot woman firing an impressive piece of firepower.

2) Rodriguez also doesn't forget that, at its core, this film began as a thoroughly over the top joke at the beginning of Grindhouse. As such, it never loses sight of the fact that it's supposed to be ludicrous, even when its sermonizing about American Ideals and Immigration.

3) And Rodriguez seems to have found his Rosetta Stone in the faux-70's wear-and-tear look he and Tarantino created for Grindhouse. The prologue is done in that same style, and he's so effective in creating that look that, when I tried to watch it the first time, I thought the film suddenly going out of synch at the 40 minute mark was intentional.

4) I forgive Steven Segal for passing on The Expendables to play the bad guy in this film--and doing so with humor and humility we haven't seen in him for ages.

5) Rodriguez is so successful in creating the sort of iconic characters we usually find in comic books--in addition to Machete, we see an 'origin' story for a character called 'She' that borrows liberally from both the pulps and the legendary exploitation classic They Call Her One Eye--that I shudder to think what would happen if he ever is unleashed on an actual comic book property (why am I thinking his version of the most recent Blue Beetle might rock hard?)

6) Robert DeNiro dressed as a day laborer blowing people away? Comedy gold.

7) Rodriguez is very careful to include all the major shots we remember from the trailer--although the inclusion of Lindsey Lohan as the daughter in the waterfall scene doesn't quite work. Later shots of her in a nun habit shooting down bad guys with a gun that's 90's muzzle are.

This picture works on soooo many levels....

8) The script, while being silly and corny and out of its mind, doesn't waste a single line. Everything pays off--even the silly exchange of dialogue between the character of Doctor Felix and the AVellan twins' Nurse Mona and Nurse Lisa. And speaking of the twins....

9) Personal obsession Electra and Elise do have minor roles in this film....and while they do not jump into the nudity fest that Lohan, Jessica Alba and others take part in...there is more of them doing what they do best--handling weapons and acting nuts. They're also responsible for one of the funniest lines in the movie ("My uterus can feel your eyes on it").

Believe it or not, this is not the silliest Robert DeNiro looks
in this movie...

10) Danny Trejo may be the single most unlikely action hero ever--but that might be why he's so perfect in this film. The sight of this short, stocky, undeniably ugly man doing the things that we've seen so many other actors do before (including such actors as Segal, Don Johnson and Jeff Fahey, who play the triumverate of baddies in the movie) adds another delicious level of insane surrealness to everything.

Overall...a gleefully self-aware, self-effacing film that doesn't care if you look at it as a parody or a legitimate artifact of its genre.

I saw this at the UA East 19th Street 6th, a rather small theater in the UA chain that was playing host to a rather...raucous congregation of Asian Christians. I ended up seeing the film twice, as at the 11:30 show, the sound got about twenty-seconds out of synch and the manager could not correct the problem. However, without any prompting, the manager--a very cheerful African American woman--offered us seating at the 12:40 show free of charge, and personally gave us all screening passes good all month for a free admittance. It's an example of a personal touch at what could have been a cold chain theater.

Of course, that meant I had to sit through two overlapping trailer packages, including two showings of Skyline, a film that apparently is sitting by its bedside praying that it will be accepted as Independence Day, that damnable Green Hornet film that looks worse and worse every time I have to endure Seth Rogan's line readings, that 'I still matter' bid of Oliver Stone's called Wall Street 2 (poor, poor Carey), and Tony Scott's Unstoppable, which is surprising not so much for the plot and its 'based on a true story' aspirations, but for it being a Tony Scott film that's buried in the middle of November.