Ten Statements About....ASYLUM (1972)

"I want you to make the grandest dress for the ball
ever--I will be a pretty lady, I will!"

"Now I'm not so sure these poor devils up there can't be cured. They can only be confined and kept from being dangerous."

"Is that Dr. Starr's outlook, too?"

"Dr. Starr is upstairs now."

"What, with a patient?"

"Dr. Starr is a patient."

1) This, the final of the three Robert Bloch-penned Amicus anthologies, features what is hands down the best of the company's framing sequences--probably because it's not 'a mysterious tarot card reader/carnival worker/real estate agent tells various souls their doomed future,' and because it seamlessly folds into the final story. This is prime anthology film storytelling.

And if you don't believe me, keep in mind this framing sequence was ripped off whole--with less budget and cinematic style--in World Film Services' lackluster Tales That Witness Madness the following year.

2) I am positive that Amicus always worked on a low budget (and the bulk of said budget was always thrown at the bigger-than-you'd-expect name cast), but it's to the company's credit how they made their lack of budget work for them. Just look at their solution to 'Frozen Terror's' ultimate monstrosity. By wrapping the body parts in butcher paper, the film effectively conceals that these are mainly artificial limbs and manniquin parts...but also drives home how premeditated Richard Todd's Walter's act was, which makes that portion of the story extra creepy.

3) Supposedly, Todd regretted doing this picture, which is a pity, as his understated performance gives the film one of its best shock cuts.

4) Even though it's not so much a story as a kind of loosely connected notions forced into story-like form, I found 'The Weird Tailor' somewhat compelling thanks to the performances of Barry Morse and Peter Cushing. The two of them create a sort of forlorn chemistry, and I almost wish I could watch more of these desperate characters interacting with each other. I think it also helps that the theme of the story has a strange sort of resonance with what was going on in Cushing's life at the time.

5) That being said...nothing says 'Are You Kidding Me?' quite like two elderly men rolling around in a dark, empty room in what I think is supposed to be interpreted as 'fighting.'

Sadly, this does not lead into some 70's actress girl-on-girl
action...

6) Of course, every one of these portmanteau films has to have a turkey--and boy, is 'Lucy Comes To Stay' gobbling away in this film's center. You would think twenty minutes or so of Britt Eklund trying to tempt Charlotte Rampling into badness--both in the prime of their hotness--fun, but the pacing is way off, there are long stretches of talking heads, and the ending is pretty obvious from the moment Eklund's Lucy first appears. It could easily have been cut, or pared down to a more manageable, shorter length.

7) I don't care what you say, there is something so freaky creepy about the little Herbert Lom-headed doll doing the toy-robot shuffle and stabbing Patrick MacGee in the back of the neck with a scalpel...and if that doesn't freak you out, seeing what Lom's Dr. Byron told you was inside that doll spilling out of it will....

8) And you know...give Bloch credit for leading us to assume one conclusion to this framing sequence, only to switch us to another. Granted, it really helps that Geoffrey Blaydon not only is able to keep in character until the big twist is sprung, but also has the single craziest laugh I've ever heard.

"From the toy shop's heart, I stab at thee!"

9) Seeing how clever this production is in utilizing its low-budget special effects (there's really only one absolutely terrible effect, in 'The Weird Tailor') makes me sad that we won't see their likes again. It takes real creativity to utilize colored gels to make a roll of fabric seem strangely alive, or give us these strange ass robots, and their creakiness gives them a solidity and charm an overpolished CGI monster will never have.

10) And perhaps the most puzzling aspect of this film is how Bloch consciously leaves many things unexplained clearly. Why does Dr. Byron have a whole cabinet full of his creepy robots with the heads of his colleagues? Provided the suit Bruno the Tailor made for Mr. Smith worked, how did Mr. Smith intend to make the money he was promising was forthcoming? It's as if Bloch understood that there are some things the audience likes to make up their own mind about--things that they could come up with scarier solutions for--and you know a modern remake would never allow these areas of mystery to be unexplained.

Overall...it's a real toss-up between this and The House That Dripped Blood as to which one is my all-time favorite of the Amicus portmanteaus. This one may actually have a higher percentage of quality stories (although House doesn't have a story anywhere near as stinky as 'Luck Comes To Stay') and definitely has the best framing sequence. Highly recommended.

And incidentally, if you watch this on the Blue Underground DVD, check out the weird twenty-minutes featurette on the history of Amicus. Max Rosenberg's account of the company's history seems violently opposed to the account presented by Freddie Francis and Roy Ward Baker, and you have to wonder what really happened.

Ten Statements About.... TORTURE GARDEN (1967)

"I's DA DEBBIL--SQWAK!!!!"

"What you have seen are imaginary horrors. But now I can let you experience real ones. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I do have a private exhibit."

1) The thing that's distinctive about this film is it's arguably the most American of the Amicus Anthologies. It's got several American actors in it, it's the first of three anthology films written by grandmaster Robert Bloch, and the framing sequence is based wholely on a classic American carney trick....and yet it still is very, very English...

2) And the lion's share of why the portions of the film that works works is due to Bloch's script. I was particularly struck by how he took his story 'Enoch,' a Southern Gothic psychological horror story about a man who is convinced a demon lives inside his head that compels him to kill, and seamlessly reset it in a typical English setting....

3) ...which would have worked even more if it wasn't for the fact that Michael Bryant's Colin, who is obviously written as a young man who's been drifting around after leaving University, is middle aged and, ummmm, noticeably balding. Bryant does play the character very effectively, but it's hard to get away from how out of place he seems in the scenario as presented.

4) Perhaps the biggest flaw in the film is in its placing the two weakest stories, 'Terror Over Hollywood' and 'Mr. Steinway' back to back right in the middle. Since the former is kinda out of place in a horror film and the later is just too. damn. ludicrous. to be scary (we'll get to that later), it throws off the film's pacing to the point where the viewer can become distracted...or worse, thoroughly disengaged from the film proper.

"So everytime Samuel L. Jackson curses, we take a shot,
agreed?"

5) Thankfully, Burgess Meredith and the framing sequence's bizarre device for introducing the stories (there's this statue of Atropos, one of Fates, and Meredith hypnotizes each victim into hallucinating their futures) manages to snatch us out of the bad stories. Meredith seems to be having a lot of fun teasing and jeering at his guests while ruminating on what they're actually seeing in the reflection of the shears. Sure, the ultimate payoff of who Dr. Diablo is is botched, but the journey getting there is wicked cool.

6) Not surprisingly, Beverly Adams--the risible 'Lovey Kravitz' of the even more risible Dean Martin Matt Helm movies--is incapable of carrying off the rather tired premise of 'Terror Over Hollywood.' She's a pretty enough girl but very wooden (which is ironic, considering her fate in the story)....

7) ...but then, at least she's not Barbara Ewing, who may be not a very good actress, but at least has her lack of talent obscured by being tormented and murdered by a piano in 'Mr. Steinway.' This story is easily the stupidest of all the Amicus anthology stories--and may even be in the running for worst horror anthology segment ever.

"I's da demon cat--not Get Me My Tenda Vittles!"

8) If you've ever wondered why Jack Palance always got cast as the heavy, wonder no more. The co-star of the last segment, 'The Man Who Collected Poe,' Palance tries to pass himself off as English and fails miserably. Hell, I didn't realize his fey, affected voice was supposed to be a British accent until Peter Cushing's Lacelot Canning points it out in the dialogue. It's one of those moments of miscasting that's almost divine in its wrong-headedness. A pity, as the story is one of the most unique of all the Amicus features.

9) As successful as Bloch is at adapting 'Enoch,' he fails with 'Terror Over Hollywood.' As it is, it's not one of his better horror stories about the entertainment industry....and the story isn't even altered enough to make it plausible in the English setting. It doesn't even scan with Adams' backstory as presented in the framing sequence itself....

10) and the rather sad make-up effects in both 'Terror Over Hollywood' and the framing sequence doesn't work to sell us on the horror of the film. The robotic effects in 'Terror' are particularly clumsy, and--given how 'Enoch' was effective solely through the acting of Bryant--I wonder if they really needed the 'I's da Debbil' make-up on Meredith for the film's last shot.

Overall...this might be the weakest of the six (seven if you count producer Milton Subotsky's anthology film he made after Amicus went under, The Monster Club) Amicus anthologies. The good-to-bad ratio is higher, with one of the stories being the absolute worst the studio ever produced. One for the completists.

Which, sadly, I am.