Ten Statements About....THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN (1974)

If the film was just these two...and maybe Maud Adams...
I'd have been a lot happier.

“You see, Mr Bond, like all great artists I want to create one indisputable masterpiece: the death of 007."
“You mean stuffed and mounted over your rocky mantelpiece?"
“It's an amusing idea, but I was thinking more in terms of history.”

1) This is the last of the Maibaum and Mankiewicz scripts...and it is the most nonsensical one of all.  Never has a Bond film been more a string of crazy stuff that happens than in this film.

2) It’s obvious at this early juncture why the Moore era seems so dated while the Connery films aren’t is how they seem to be constantly chasing trends--in the case of this film, there’s a lengthy and fairly out of place kung fu sequence that ends with Bond being saved by a pair of schoolgirls in plaid skirts.  I remember thinking it was cool at one point, but now it just seems gratuitous and more than a little embarrassing.

3) And speaking of gratuitous and pointless...the film seems to literally stop so that Clifton James’ Sherrif J.W. Pepper can act like the ultimate ugly American (his constant referring to the Thai people around him as ‘pointy heads’ is particularly winge-worthy)...and then somehow shoehorns him into the major action sequence so that he can ‘enliven’ the film with his southern fried hick comedy.  It’s indicative how the Moore films seem skewed more to comedy than action.  However...

When you need two schoolgirls to save your ass...well,
you're no longer an effective secret agent.

4) It’s to the credit of the script that Bond himself is not part of the comedy.  We’re still in the phase where Moore is finding his voice, and he shows glimmers of true ruthlessness, especially when he’s dealing with the arms dealer Lazar and Maud Adams’ Allison Anders.  It’s a hint of what Moore’s Bond could have been if he hadn’t decided to coast on his charm and go for broad comedy.

5) What little life the film has lies in the hands of Christopher Lee’s Scaramanga.  Playing a dark mirror for Bond, Lee (Ian Fleming’s cousin, and the author’s choice to play Dr. No) sinks his teeth into the part enthusiastically, giving an otherwise thinly written character a dimension of quiet menace.  Giving him all the gadgets gives the film one of the few interesting edges.

6) Hmmm...a hired assassin with a perchance for carnival memorabilia who charges an exorbitant fee, lures victims into a funhouse to kill them and has an assistant named Locke...is it time to add another item on the list of Things Chris Claremont Stole Shit From?

The only reason Britt Eklund is in the film.

7) Britt Eklund’s Holly Goodnight may very well be the single stupidest character ever to appear in a Bond film--and that’s saying something.  She contributes nothing to the film except to needlessly complicate things and look good in a bikini, and even has the distinction of extending the film’s bloated running time by having her butt activate a giant solar gun.  Adam’s Anders is much more effective, which is why it’s so sad she becomes the Sacrificial Lamb.

8) Hey, and speaking of that Giant Solar Gun...it comes out of nowhere, makes no sense for Scaramanga to have it, and seems to be there solely so he can blow up an airplane.  It’s a real non-sequitur end to a villain plot.

9)   You know, there are moments where Herve Villechaize’s Nick Nack is an effective, even nightmarish presence...but then you see him in a diaper and an oni mask, or running around a yacht throwing wine bottles shouting ‘I keel you!  I keel you’ where he becomes embarrassing.

Go away, J.W Pepper...just.  Go. Away.

10) As uninteresting as I found many of the settings this time around--Thailand in particular comes off as a tawdry backwater of a country (but maybe that’s the Pepper Hate talking), I love the unique look of Scaramanga’s hideout in a series of small islands now ironically named The James Bond Islands.  They provide a bit of color and flair in a film that sorely needs it.

Overall...one of the worst Bonds from the Moore era that comes off better than it should thanks to the character of Scaramanga (and the performance of same by Lee) and some interesting minor characters.  I’m sure it thanks the Cinema Gods that it looks miles better when compared to Moonraker and A View To A Kill, as we’ll learn soon.

Ten Statements About....LIVE AND LET DIE (1973)

"In my first act to try and destroy this fanchise, I figured I'd
dress up as a Chicken Elvis Showgirl."

“You do know what the Queen of Cups means in an upside down position? A deceitful, perverse woman. A liar, a cheat, and I'd like some answers now."
“Please... uh... You don't understand, sir. They'll kill me if I do."
“And I'll kill you if you don't."

1) Welcome to the Roger Moore era of Bond, an unfortunate time where the disparity between the good and the bad films is at its greatest.  This is one of the good ones....

2) ...even though it features the second of three nonsensical Tom Mankiewicz scripts, perhaps typified by the way Bond is literally led around by the nose by the rather extensive conspiracy of Black America that plagues him from the second he steps foot in New York.

3) The biggest problem with Moore’s interpretation of Bond is his simple unwillingness to take the role seriously.  Even here we see Moore quipping and punning in a way that burst the seams of the film’s veracity with an unheard of viciousness.  And given how there are some moments (admittedly created because Mankiewicz didn’t know the Bond he was getting) that hint at a colder, more matter-of-fact Bond Moore could have become, the overabundance of easy humor can be annoying.

This dancing, incredibly tall, weirdly made up black man
is brought to you by Nightmare Fuel, for all your
sleepless needs!

4) Look, I’ll admit that the Mr. Big disguise fools no one, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is the most intriguing collection of Bond villains we’ve seen in a while.  From Yaphet Kotto’s Kananga to Julius Harris’ Tee Hee to Geoffrey Holder’s Baron Samedi, this is a strong selection of opponents for Bond, each one having his own distinct and colorful personality.  It’s this group of baddies who manage to lift the story up over the nonsensical parts, smoothing over what would be rough terrain,

5) This Bond film is unique in that it not only includes supernatural elements, but takes them for granted.  The clairvoyant Solitaire who loses her powers with the loss of her virginity and the near silent Baron Samedi who seemingly comes back from the dead not once, but twice both add a texture that other Bond films just don’t have.

"I know, I know...but I get better once I remove this
stupid mask."

6) Was there ever a time when Jane Seymour wasn’t hot?  Even dressed in that Chicken Elvis Showgirl outfit she uses to read her cards in San Monique, she’s smoking.

7) Between the New York, New Orleans and Jamaica-standing-in-for-San-Monique, this is one of the tattiest looking Bonds of all.  All the settings have this dull, run down look to them, and some of them look like ghettos.  Granted, part of the film’s motif is contrasting the natty Bond with the garbage strewn and ugly surroundings he’s moving through, but it wears on you after a while.

8) God, Bond’s outfits are awful.  The tailored suits are fine, but trading in the regular tuxedo for the Canadian one (i.e. jeans and jeans jacket) over a wife beater or a leisure suit is such a terrible idea.

"I had this dream where I was a frontier doctor
 in the Old West..." 

9) Go away, broad comedy characters like Aviation Student Old Lady and...shudder...Sheriff Pepper.  Just...go away.  And speaking of broad comedic characters....

10) Gloria Hendry’s Rosie takes the previous film’s Tiffany Case and removes all the competence from her, leaving just the bungling goofball of that film’s third act.  It’s impossible to take Rosie seriously, so much so that when Mankiewicz gives her a heel turn (a turn that’s not so much foreshadowed as out and out handed to us), we don’t fear for Bond’s safety at all.

And if you think Rosie is bad, wait until you meet Mary next film....

Overall...even though the plot is nonsensical and the attempt to drag Bond into the 70‘s are laughable, the combination of the film’s energy and its villain set make for a fun and engaging entry in the series.

Ten Statements About....DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971)

"The name is Bond, James...yaaaaawn...Bond."

“You killed my only other double, I'm afraid. After his death, volunteers were understandably... rather scarce."
“Such a pity. All that time and energy wasted, simply to provide you with one mock, heroic moment."

1) This is the first of three Bond films written by Robert Maibaum and Tom Mankeiwicz, a writing team perhaps best known for how...incredibly nonsensical the scripts are.  The plot to this film is totally incomprehensible, and the sooner we accept this, the better.

2) In this film, Sean Connery (who was lured back after George Lazenby abandoned the role and John Gavin had already been signed for a then-unprecedented million dollar fee--which he then promptly donated to a local school) looks thoroughly bored.  The only time he looks motivated is in the pre-credit sequence, where he goes through a cross section of criminal types looking for Blofeld (including strangling a girl with her own bikini top!).  He’s not having any fun, he’s not showing much in the ways of signs of life.  It’s almost as if he’s got one eye on the door and the other on the check in his breast pocket.

3) I think a large reason why this film seems so...tacky...to me is because the bulk of it is set in Las Vegas.  Vegas just doesn’t have the same kind of glamour as some of the cities of previous Bond films, and its more blue collar sensibilities seem to leech into the film as a whole, making it feel a whole lot less special than it should be.

4) Yes, Tiffany Case’s character becomes extremely two note (“I want my money/the diamonds” and “I don’t want to go to jail”), and she ends up becoming part of the weirdly smarmy, condescending sexism (even for a Bond film!)  that runs through the Maibaum/Mankeiwicz scripts.  But--and maybe this is primarily Jill St. John’s doing--she is one of the sexier Bond Girls of the 70‘s and fills out that weird bikini with the long sleeves really, really well.

5) In my younger days, I preferred Charles Grey to the other two Blofelds.  While my opinion has changed--I don’t think there has been a definitive Blofeld yet--he does acquit himself well...until that last act, where he dresses up as Princess Margaret and becomes a leering goof.  Maibaum and Mankeiwicz’s tendency to play everything for broad laughs (something that will result in...shudder...Sherif Pepper in the next two films) ruins the menace by making him ludicrous.

Yep...Bond on the 'moon.'  It's gonna be a loooong
decade.

6) Is there any reason--any reason--for the Moon Buggy chase?  Admittedly, it’s typical of the lackluster action throughout this film (the best fight scene happens relatively early), but the sheer what-the-fuckedness of that moment is indicative of how this film is just a string of Stuff That Happens.

7) Don’t get me wrong--I like all of the henchmen in this film, even the campy homosexual hitmen Wint and Kidd.  But they’re a little...sketchy, and maybe calling them sketchy is charitable.  Plus, Wint and Kidd really have no direct confrontation with Bond until the final scene (a trademark of Maibaum and Mankeiwicz that grows old when they do it the third time in Man With The Golden Gun).  Their whole narrative arc really is so disjointed from the main story that they could be cut out with little or no rewriting; it’s as if they’re in the movie solely because they were in the book.

8) It’s funny, but Connery seems to have more chemistry with Jimmy Dean’s Wilfred Whyte than with Norman Burton’s fatherly, ineffectual Felix Leiter.  Hell, Leiter comes off as a mild annoyance that Bond can push aside easily, while Whyte becomes a general ally, even a friend along the lines of Draco from the previous film to the point where Bond consults with him rather than his supposed bestie.

mmmmm...okay, so maybe the 70's wasn't
all bad.

9)  Let’s be honest here....the main stunt in this film--the car driving through the narrow alley on one side--is not only boring, it doesn’t work.  Director Guy Hamilton has to resort to some editing and an obvious inset of Connery and St. John ‘shifting’ from side to side in their car to convince us that the car moved from one side to the other.  It’s just a poor payoff to a very poor car chase that’s all the more dull because of the obviously artificial glimpses of the big crowds calmly standing on the sidelines watching the filming.

10) There’s a very real sense of the movie not, you know, having an actual plot until the very last act. The whole ‘we’re built this giant-ass laser thingie in orbit around the Earth that melts tanks and vaporizes people and we’re going to sell it to the highest bidder’ endgame sees to come out of nowhere.  It’s not that Maibaum and Mankeiwicz don’t set up elements leading us to the giant-ass laser thing; it’s that those elements are either injected seemingly randomly or make no logical sense.  Thus the impact of the film’s pay off doesn’t work.

Overall...the first Bond film of the 70‘s (and one of the first Bond films I saw in the theaters with my natural father) is a mess and a half, with the few bright spots far outweighed by the broad comedy, the illogical plotting and the dullness of the setting and stuntwork.  Not recommended.

And be prepared; this is going to be a long decade.