Ten Statements About....YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

"Wait a minute...you're short, you're bald, and you have a
weak chin.  Give me a real master villain!"

“James Bond. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Ernst Stavro Blofeld. They told me you were assassinated in Hong Kong."
“Yes, this is my second life."
“You only live twice, Mr. Bond."

1) This is unique amongst the Bond films for the fact that it’s written by someone outside of the Eon Productions family--namely Roald Dahl.  And as much as I love Dahl as a writer (he’s one of the greatest short story writers ever) and a novelist, this script is very nonsensical and has the kind of ‘and then this happens, and then this happens’ make-it-up-as-it-goes-along feel that comes to dominate the series once the Roger Moore era rolls around.

2) Boy, does Sean Connery look old at times....which might be why he made the decision to leave the franchise during its filming.  He looks particularly old as he goes undercover as a Japanese fisherman (don’t ask).

3) I find it fascinating how this is one of the only Bond films--if not the only Bond film--where the bulk of the gadgets don’t come from Q.  The only thing Desmond Llewellyn gives Bond is Little Nelly; the exploding cigarettes and the ninja mufti is all Tiger Tanaka’s work.  And the ninja angle gives this film a unique feel the previous Bonds don’t have.  And speaking of Tanaka...

"I'm Japanese, damnit...JAPANESE!" 

4) Tetsuro Tamba is great as the head of the Japanese Secret Service.  Since he’s closer to Connery’s age (or at least looks closer to his age), there’s more of a sense of them treating each other as peers.  Plus he’s cool as crap in his own right, what with his own private railway car, ninja school and the ability to call up electromagnet-enabled helicopters at will.

5) While Mie Hama’s Kissy Suzuki is the featured Bond Girl, it’s real curious as to how little she actually is featured.  She doesn’t even show up until after the halfway mark, and doesn’t do much except run around in a very fetching white bikini.  Plus, she’s not all that interesting--and I have to assume that’s the script’s fault because I’ve seen Mie elsewhere and know she’s capable of being engaging.

6) And more puzzling, Connery has more screen time (and way more chemisty) with Akiko Wakabayashi’s Aki.  Aki has a great dry sense of humor that works extremely well with Connery and does a lot more than Kissy.  She definitely feels more like the prime Bond Girl, and while her ultimate fate has more impact due to her screen time, some of the energy goes out of the film when Wakabayashi is no longer in it.

Yep...pretty much the only reason Mie Hama is in this movie.

7) I’m not a big fan of the Japan depicted within this film.  There is a definite sense of Japan as a modern country--which it certainly was becoming at the time--and yet we see people wandering around in traditional Japanese dress at time.  This is particularly jarring when we see Aki tailing Bond at the beginning of Act One, dressed as a geisha in a sea of men and women in suits (I know that this might be Lewis Gilbert trying to make make Aki stand out so we know she’s different, but still....)

And we’re not going to talk about the Fishing Village That Time Forgot....

8) You know...given that this was the culmination of a tease started back with the first film, and the climax of the first leg of this series, the revelation of Donad Pleasance as Blofeld seems a little lax.  He ends up being rather unimposing and less freakish and colorful than the underlings he sent before him (well, other than Largo.  No one’s more boring than Largo yet.).  His interaction with Bond is rather bland and his running like a girl once his plan blows up in his face is laughable.  And speaking of that plan...

9) ...there are some moments that are seriously goofy.  The whole thing with Karin Dor's Helga Brandt and the plane with the wooden plank makes no sense, and the idea of using a big ass spaceship that opens up to swallow smaller spaceships seems rather exorbitant.  And Dahl seems bored whenever some details are needed.  The moment when Blofeld blackmails the Generic Asians for a larger payment calls out for a little expository dialogue...and none comes.

10) The Ken Adams volcano set is pretty impressive--it netted Eon Productions an Oscar--but the film seems to engage in a little too much set porn as Gilbert lovingly goes over every nook and cranny of this area without much of a point.  There’s a particular moment near the end of Act Two where we just asked to take in this fortress for roughly five minutes before another drawn out scene in Blofeld’s sprawling office.  If they made these picturesque moments a little more streamlined, maybe the film would’ve flowed better.

Overall...not a great entry, mainly due to Dahl’s rather peculiar script, even though there are some great moments.  Not a good coda for this leg of the Bond series (although, to be fair, it’s a little better than either of Connery’s return to the roles).

Ten Statements About....CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (2005)

This is not the scariest character in this film.

"Everything in this room is eatable. Even I am eatable. But that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies."

1) I think many people are down on this--maybe because it marks the beginning of Burton's regression toward only adapted material. But it does mark a near-perfect fusion of filmmaker and source material, and as such is pretty unique.

2) I'm surprised how, even though both it and the earlier movie based on the film, Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory (I really can't call this a remake; both films take the book and go off into very different directions with it) are similar in length, this one moves a lot quicker. But then, since Burton is more interested in presenting a truer interpretation of Dahl's original, he needed to speed up the front half so he could do the material the first film left out of their script.

...this is.  I mean, seriously--see her coming, and RUN!

3) Julia Winters, who plays Veruca Salt, may very well be the single creepiest child in the history of the world. That first shot of her smiling for the cameras holding the golden ticket is positively terrifying.

4) I'm going to say it--Johnny Depp's interpretation of Willy Wonka isn't as effective as Gene Wilder's in the first one. Depp's performance is all artifice and facial tics, and comes off more weird than creepy like Wilder's. Granted, I suspect Depp developed all this strange behavior so that when the third act hits Willy becomes more natural the more he comes to realize his need for a family, but the bulk of the film it's like he's jumping up and down screaming 'Look At Me! I's WACKY!'

5) Man, I love seeing Christopher Lee, whose acting is every bit as effective at this age as it was in the 60's. I'm sure they used some CGI to de-age him in the flashbacks....but it wouldn't have worked without Lee being able to change his vocal qualities to sound younger.

6) The true hero of this film, however, is the one-two punch of Danny Elfman and Deep Roy. I love how Elfman utilizes a different musical style in each of the musical numbers, and Roy's physical acting gives many of his OompaLoompas different personalities and attitudes. It may be Elfman's voice, but it's Roy's performance that gives those songs life.

In my nightmares, I am carried away by a Viking Ship full
of Deep Roys....

7) Apparently, a lot of people were up for the role of Granpa Joe, including Christopher Lloyd...but I cannot think of anyone who would have fit this version of the film as well as David Kelly. A more famous face would not have worked, and Kelly's physicality (there's that word again) and chemistry with young Freddie Highmore makes the character come alive.

8) I like the fact that John August's screenplay has some of the parents--particularly Mr. Salt--learn a lesson or two as well. I still feel a swell of satisfaction when James Fox expresses more emotion than he's expressed in the movie to finally refuse Veruca something she wants.

9) This is another one of these films where I kind of, sort of accept the use of CGI. Since there is a lot of fanciful elements, and the movie is never meant to be 100% realistic, shots of some of the stranger rooms, the glass elevator and other stuff done with computers make sense. In fact, the only time the CGI feels off is when we're introduced to the machine that costs Charlie's father his job.

10) There is a definite sense of ghoulishness and grossness throughout...but since Roald Dahl delighted in infusing his children's book with a touch of gross, it works here--once again, we're talking a fusion of director and source material that is very right.

Overall...a film that is sometimes unjustly denigrated, and also unjustly dismissed as just a remake, this is a fairly faithful adaptation of the Dahl original done by a director whose sensibilities fit Dahl's weird storytelling sensibilities like a glove.

(And no promises, but look for a Ten Statements about Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory in the coming days.)