Ten Statements About....WRATH OF THE TITANS (2012)

"I am a Titan!  Behold My Wrathy Goodness!"

"You want me to say it, brother? You want me to say I'm afraid? Doesn't that go without saying? When mortals die, their souls go somewhere - there's no place where gods go when they die! There's nothing, just oblivion..."

1) Now I'm not sure if it was because I came in a minute or two late, or if it was because I had not seen the first film in this iteration....but there are moments where I was totally lost, and couldn't figure out who was who, what their relationship were and what the actual plot was. After a bit, I found it best to just not worry about this and let the silliness wash over me.

2) Even though there were a couple of moments where I was shocked at how aged she looked, on the whole I was extremely happy seeing Rosamund Pike running around in battle armor and being all shouty---however, I definitely preferred her as a redhead. And while we're on the subject of Rosamund Pike....

3) I know Pike's Queen Andromeda is in this film primarily so Perseus has someone to snog (what, you guys couldn't get Gemma Atherton back?)...but the script by Dan Mazeau and David Leslie Johnson (off a story by the two of them and Greg Berlanti) seems to leave the character arc that brings them both together woefully underdeveloped. It's almost like we're supposed to assume that Andromeda's had the whim-whams for Perseus all this time, and was waiting for his wife to pass on.

4) As much as I dislike CGI, I have to admit that there are some moments here that are pulled off very well. The flying sequences with Perseus astride Pegasus, in particular, were very striking in the way the horse seemed to be using its canter to move itself through the air. There's a definite sense that this CGI team is putting thought in the weight and movement some of these creatures have.

5) That being said....wow, The actual Titan that's being all Wrathy is a confused, badly designed mess. Of all the monster sequences, it's the most disappointing as I simply had no idea what the Hell was happening.

"This is....SPARTA--I mean a Giant Hand!"

6) Okay, we get it--you guys think the little robot owl in the original Clash of The Titans sucked....dragging it out again to have Bill Nighy's Hespestus yell at it is just, well, gratuitous.

7) I know there are a number of people, including my friend and partner on BiTD Derrick Ferguson, who think Sam Worthington is a real cool action actor. I just don't see it. He seems cut from the same Generic Historic Fantasy Hero cloth as Geoffrey Butler in 300 and Henry Cavil in Immortals. Hell, he actually comes off as somewhat underwhelming at times.

8) You know who else is underwhelming? Edgar Ramirez' Ares. A villain like this is supposed to be sly enough to trick Zeus and Hades and be nasty enough to give Perseus pause....but truth be told, Ramirez comes off as a petulant child (which, let's be fair, he is) with not enough guile and cleverness to fool me, let alone the three patriarchal Gods of Greek Myth. And it also doesn't help that his moves don't ever come off as a surprise--the script sets things up so neatly that when Ares rocks up to slaughter his worshipper about halfway through, we're so well prepared all we can do is yawn.

It is Rosamund Pike dressed as a warrior queen about to lead
a band of Grecian bad-asses in beating you up.  Your argument
is no longer valid.

9) I think I'd rather watch Liam-Neeson-In-A-Spangly-Robe instead of Liam-Neeson-In-Dungeons-And-Dragons-Cosplay-Robes.

10) The thing I find the most amusing is that the characters with the strongest arcs here aren't Perseus and Andromeda...it's Zeus and Hades. Now maybe this is because Liam Neeson and Ralph Finees are such good actors they dug out a character arc where there was none, but I have to admit I got involved with the reconciliation of these two beings in the form of men, and loved how a major portion of the climax is the two of them standing side by side fighting for mankind.

Overall...even though there are some grace notes provided by Neeson, Finnes, Pike and others, you can never quite escape the sense that this is not bad, it's not good...it's just Product.

Ten Statements About....IMMORTALS (2011)

"Raaaaah!  I's a scary method actor on the decline!"

"Deeds are immortal. Flesh is not."

1) I know there are some people who would sneer that is Tarsem's attempt to 'me-too' a film on the back of other virtual set historical fantasies as 300 and the modern Clash of The Titans. But that's not the case; it's just that Tarsem has been waiting until technology and, more importantly, film language has caught up with his vision. This film's look and feel is consistent with his previous films, and he seems tailor made for this kind of widescreen spectacle....

2) ...which is why it's so frustrating that this script is an unholy mess. Obviously written to be a cash-in on those above cited films, it can't decide what it wants to be. Characters who speak in mock classical dialogue sit side by side with those who speak in idomatic modern English, the film wants to be a humanist propaganda piece while also wanting to throw us monsters and gods, there is an attempt to be realistically violent while also giving us superhuman fight scenes, it gives lip service to historical accuracy while also going whole hog into myth-world...the inconsistencies go on.

3) Henry Cavill certainly knows how to be vigorous, dancing on the edge of being a scenery chewer without jumping in with both feet. He just the right amount of larger-than-life theatrical for this kind of film.

(and yes, in case you're wondering...that means I feel a bit more confident in his taking on Superman two years hence.)

One of the benefits of being an action hero in Anceint Greece?
You get to sleep with the virgin oracle Frieda Pinto...

4) Frieda Pinto--who is absolutely stunning--seems to have a face and body made for these kinds of epics. She naturally draws the eyes, and looks like she stepped out of a particularly vividly drawn edition of Bullfinch's Mythology.

5) It's particularly comforting to know that even when he's playing a marauding king from the Age of Myth, Mickey Rourke still plays...well, Mickey Rourke.

6) There's a weird recurring thing in this film where the script hamfistedly sets up something to happen in such a way that you know it's coming a mile off and yet, when it does happen--like when the Hellenic Council Member played by Stephen MacHattie dickers and calls for discussion only to have him be beheaded before he starts his bid for peace--there's a strange sense of satisfaction.

7) It looks rather obvious to me that Tarsem is more excited by the goofy stuff up on Mount Olympus with the Gods and the other fantasy elements. When he has to focus on the intrigue going on in the real world, the pacing slows perceptibly, and the coherence of the story loses focus. This is particularly obvious--painfully so--during the early parts of the second act, where a long stretch of the film is devoted to the capture of Theseus and the 'gathering of the team' that will be Theseus' traveling companions for the rest of the film.

How to recognize Greek Gods #15:  Greek Gods all wear
goofy golden headwear...

8) If you want proof of how far ahead Tarsem is in understanding the film language of the modern genre film, take a look at the fight scenes. While they do have faint echoes of both the ramping-happy sequences that populate Zack Snyder's recent films and the shaky cam of so many others, Tarsem is able to keep the action focused so that we know exactly what is going on while also giving us a sense of extreme hyperreality, like everything is going on around us in double time.

9) You know...if you don't want to make it obvious that this is a bid to squeeze some more money out of the people who liked 300, you prolly shouldn't end the film with a sequence that pretty much evokes the 'and now Greece has a future' feel of that film...or give Theseus the sort of big ass speech to the massed soldiers that Leonides gave his men...or...

You get the idea.

10) what was the point behind building up Joseph Morgan's Lysander to be a kind of anti-Theseus when, come the big confrontation he's just quickly run through? Okay, I get that the screenwriters wanted the big confrontation to happen between Theseus and Hyperion, but you shouldn't have spent so much time with that guy just to have him written off.

Overall...while I rejoice that Tarsem is back (and apparently back for good, as he's already gotten Mirror, Mirror, his version of Snow White in post-production), this film tries to be everything for everyone and ends up being nothing for nobody. If you're interested in the visuals and the storytelling, there might be something here for you. If you're interested in an actual story, well....

I went to the AMC Village 7 for this, and got a grand total of seven trailers, including the teaser for The Avengers, which is as good on the big screen as on the small, the latest Jason Statham vehicle Safe (I'm convinced that Statham has become the only 70's/80's style action star left, where he plays what is basically himself in a series of thrillers which are at their core excuses to see him beat people bloody), another viewing of the Mark Wahlberg/Kate 'I'm Generic' Beckinsale vehicle Contraband and an unnamed found footage film about three college kids experimenting with telekinesis and having things go horribly wrong.  In all, a dim view of my movie-going future.