Ten Statements About....LINK (1986)

When an ape loves an actress.....

"He missed the bus by a lousy one percent. That one percent counts for all of human civilization, the entire history of art, music, science, literature...everything you're willing to give up on so you can go away and live with badgers."

1) Given the way this film shakes out, accompanied frequently by Jerry Goldsmith's rather...circusy soundtrack, I really have to wonder if somewhere down the line of this production it was meant as a black comedy.

2) Even though it's very obvious that Terrance Stamp's Dr. Phillips is done away with fairly early on, it's to director Richard Franklin's credit that I didn't accept that his character wasn't coming back until I realized over thirty minutes had passed with just Elisabeth Shue inteacting with an orangutan and a chimp.

3) While there is some references to Dr. Phillips experimenting with...something...to stimulate Link's intelligence, the genius is that Link's behavior can be explain within the realms of actual ape behavior. He's exceptionally clever in terrorizing Shue's Jane, and is obviously acting out of self-preservation, but he's still emotionally just an animal motivated by animal instinct.

Thankfully, the sport of monkey pulling didn't catch on....

4) I know Link was played by an actual orangutan named Locke at times...but Locke was an exceptional actor. There are moments in this film where you see the actor reacting with a twist of its lips, or staring with these weird, soulful eyes where you swear he's in the scene, not just reacting to a trainer offscreen. And speaking of that monkey...

5) Naked Elisabeth Shue being peeped on by itself would be creepy...but Elisabeth Shue trying to persuade Link to go away as it stands in the doorway naked staring at her frankly...brrrrrr.

6) There is no reason whatsoever for Steve Pinner's David and his mates to be in this movie, except to show up in the third act and provide Link with some extra victims to slaughter. Although, admittedly, it was cool that Franklin thought to reverse the usual trope by making Pinner the Girl School Screamer and Shue the hero who saves him.

7) I find it fascinating that this was produced by Dr. Who's Verity Lambert when she was heading EMI during its disastrous final days. And knowing this was typical of the films that Lambert greenlit during her tenure explains a lot.

"You wanna piece of me?  Well, do you?  DO YOU?"

8) I was struck the many, many tracking shots through and, in one instance, over walls. Sometimes it's to give us a 'beast eye's view' of Link's activity, but overall it gives the film a definite whiff of giallo to it...which, to be fair, is a change of pace from Franklin's usual Hitchcock love.

9) I'll admit it--even with the really, really obvious fake rottweiler after the fact, Link's murder of the animal in defense of Jane during the early part of the second act is pretty shocking, and maybe is the best scare of the film.

10) I love how Stamp gives Shue a list of rules...which Shue promptly violates quickly throughout the film. But then, if she wasn't on some level a dumbass, there would be no film.

Overall...a weird, weird film, very unlike the other entries in Franklin's filmography. I don't know if it would work for everyone, but if you're in the mood for something offbeat, you might want to give it a look.

Plus, 80's era Elisabeth Shue--albeit a seriously deglamourized one. If you grew up during the 80's, that might be enough.

Ten Statements About....PIRAHNA 3-D (2010)

They're coming to et you...

1) You have to give Alexandre Aja credit for thoroughly and completely understanding the Hitchcock rule about following through on expectations....so when there's some attention drawn to Riley Steele's Crystal's fake boob job, you know you'll be seeing those popped saline bags floating in a mess of bloody water. And when Jerry O'Connell's Derrick complains that the pirahnas ate his penis, well....

2) Aja also studied the rules of early 70's nature gone amok pictures, as so much of this film--from the plain yellow arial type that make up the earliest titles to the way the cameos echo back to previous roles the cameo-ing actors had to the formula where asshole get punished for their assholery and the non-asshole victims die acting heroically--speaks of a respect for the genre and the original film.

3) And to make things even more satisfying--Aja knows that this is a 3-D picture and revels in the carnival sideshow-ishness of it all. There are loads of 'coming at ya!' moments and deep focus shots, although I could have done without the direct-to-the-camera shot of Jessica Szohr's Kelly puking....

4) Look up Milf in my personal dictionary and there you'll find a picture of Elizabeth Shue...

5) You know....even though this is obviously a movie aimed at the younger crowd, it's refreshing to see that the heroes are mainly middle-aged.

Laugh while you can, Jerry O'Connell...something dear to you
is about to get et....

6) And similarly--by introducing the 'Girls Gone Wild' manque of O'Donnell and his pair of nymphs into the mix, it allows him to focus on the very realistically cute-without-being-Caucasin-Wankery-Network-sexy Szohr as the female lead

7) Eli Roth utilizing a garden hose as if it is his spurting cock and talking about wet t-shirts and breasts....some things can not be unseen....sigh

8) If there is any doubt about how lowbrow this film's intentions are, the seemingly endless 3-D sequence of Steele and Kelly Brook's Dani playing nude Esther Williams before they get chopped into little pirahna-shaped pieces puts it clearly on the metaphorical glass...

9) Pretty much the bulk of the carnage comes at the beginning of the third act, when the monster pirahnas come a'snacking on all the dumb teenagers. it's maybe a ten minute or so sequence...but damn if Greg Nicotero and company make the most of their time to shine....

You may have been a shark hunter, pal...but you're gon' get et...

10) A lot has been made about Richard Dreyfuss' cameo....but it pales in comparison to Christopher Lloyd and Dina Meyer as a couple of wackdoole fish store owners/scientists Mr. and Mrs. Goodman. When he pronounced these things as prehistoric pirahnas, a wave of knowing laughter rippled through the theater...

In short. Aja knows exactly what he needs to do to entertain us, and acquits himself admirably. It prolly will be forgotten the moment you leave the theater, but while you're there it'll just make you laugh and cringe at turns.

This was my first time at the Loews Kip's Bay in Manhattan since my college days; it seems that the $6-before-noon policy is good all over the city for AMC/Loews' theaters (It's the only way I'll see a 3D film, as the policy makes them the same price as a regular matiness elsewhere). It's got one of the friendliest staffs I've experienced in a while...but the prices for concessions--even the vending machines--are insane.

The trailers contained the usual one of Machete that never gets old, a pretty decent one for Faster that gives me hope that Dwayne Johnson got all that family crap out of his system, the guardedly promising Tron Legacy, two airings of Resident Evil: Aftermath 3-D in both flatscreen and 3-D, and the nightmare-inducing-for-all-the-wrong-reasons collaboration between M. Night Shamalyn and Jim Dowdel, Devil. Of course, the biggest nightmare came from watching the puff piece for You Again?, in which Kristen Bell's tormentor from high school is marrying her brother (and what's more, her mom's tormentor is her tormentor's aunt, and they only discovered this juuuuuust now...it's as if Bell has decided she never wants to make another film that won't make me throw up again...