Ten Statements About....FANTASTIC FOUR (2015)

"Hey, guys...I built one of those motors you used to
find in your toys!"

“You're counting on these guys? A guy who can stretch, a girl I can't see, a human torch...I don't even know what he is.”

1) Man, this is one dark movie--not dark as in somber, but dark as in dark.  The film seems to take place in a continual twilight, and there are moments when you literally can’t figure out what is going on.

2) I’m sorry, but I don’t believe Miles Teller’s Reed is one of the smartest boys in the world.  There’s something...petulant about his performance that makes his Reed unbelievable.

3) You know what is the major problem with this film?  It’s that the leads are exactly the same person.  They’re all teens-to-young-adult geniuses who can easily see how to build a gate to another dimension.  With the exception of one brief sequence depicting Michael B. Jordan’s Johnny loving speedy cars (an aspect that is dropped immediately after it is introduced), they’re given no indication of a life outside of the lab.

4) Boy, is the sight of a pantless Thing disturbing.

"Sir, I've seen photos of Doom.  I've read about Doom.  You, sir,
are no Doom."

5) I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...when you change enough of the backstory of a property, it no longer is that property.  And this should probably have been named something else to divorce it from the property it claims to be.

6) The pacing of this film is truly out of whack.  It take almost half the film for our heroes to gain their powers, about three quarters before the menace is introduced, and it can be argued the film is almost over (counting the credits, which had to eat up seven or eight minutes, there was twenty minutes left) before the actual conflict arises.  I know director Josh Trank has done one good super-hero-y movie before, so I can’t understand why he lets this one get all lopsided.

7) Yeah, a sinister government organization looking to weaponize our heroes.  Because we haven’t seen that before...

This is as brightly lit as this film gets...

8) Why isn’t being super-smart enough for directors when it comes to Doctor Doom?  Giving him ill-defined abilities does not make him more menacing; it makes him more generic.

9) I swear, it seems like Trank is more interested in making a horror movie.  The trip to the alternate dimension and the sequence where the Sinister Government Organization is testing/examining our heroes is played out as something disturbing.

10) Okay, so Reed escapes from the Sinister Government Organization before they give the other three the suits that control their powers, right?  Then why is Reed wearing one of these suits when they track him down to South America?

Overall...dark, dismal and tedious, this is a Superhero Movie That Doesn’t Want To Be A Superhero Movie at its worst.  Avoid.

Ten Statements About....BATMAN AND ROBIN (1997)

Boy, those attempts to make the NHL appeal to new
viewers have gotten...weird.

"In the universe, there is only one constant...everything freezes."

1) The best way--some would say the only way--to view this movie is by accepting that this is a film that has surrendered itself so totally to the marketing department that it has ceased to have any connection to character, place or reality. This film is not so much telling us a story but stringing a long succession of scenes together in the hope of getting us to buy stuff.

2) Poor George Clooney, cast at the last minute, is obviously overtired throughout the film, sporting a perpetual five o'clock shadow. Yes, he tries very hard to keep up his energy, but he fails to give us anything more than a Batman who seems to have hit the vicodin a lil' too hard. That being said....

3) His best moments, and the best moments in the film, are the ones between him and Michael Gough as Alfred. There's a genuine connection between the two, so much so that you believe wholeheartedly that this is not employer and employee, but father than son. It is the through line between the two that provides what little grounding this film has...at least until the whole 'Oh, noes, I gots da McGregor disease' development drops Alfred from the second half of the film.

In her off-time, Alicia Silverstone looks for an earlier
version of the script that actually makes sense while
pretending to have a stroke...

4) Here's something heretical--yes, Arnold Schwarzeneggar's incessant ice puns do detract from the movie, but there are some lines of dialogue that Mr. Freeze has that actually make sense and would have been effective if, you know, it wasn't being muttered by a guy with a thick Austrian accent who looks so much bigger than the Clooney Batman that he wouldn't need a suit of armor designed for a Broadway musical to beat his ass. It's those blink-and-you-miss-it brief moment that make me think that yes, at one point, there was a movie that would have been entertaining.

5) Movie, just because you can drag Vendela and Viveca A. Fox and Coolio into your orbit for a few moments in nothing roles doesn't mean you should have.

6) And while we're on the subject, movie...when Elizabeth Sanders' Gossip Gerty and the Neon Skull Gang have both more screen time and more lines of dialogue than Commisioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara, you're very severely flawed.

7) I'm absolutely convinced that of all the people involved in this movie, Uma Thurman was the only one who realized how far down a hole this film was falling and threw all caution to the wind. It's the only way I can explain how she chose to play Poison Ivy as Mae West.

8) You know what the problem is with Alicia Silverstone in this movie? It's that, as an actress, she seems incapable of being serious without doing these weird gurning movements with her face. Watching her emote as Barbara Gordon is like watching a claymation version of her; between the wiggling of her eyebrows and the chewing of her lips from side to side, she comes off as a grotesque.

"You know, in a previous incarnation, I was actually
articulate..."

9) Good job taking Bane, a character who is even more overtly the dark mirror of the Batman, someone whose intelligence and strength embody the nature to Batman's nuture, and turning him into a monosyllabic bull in a china shop.

No, wait. NO IT ISN'T.

10) That total lack of reality I cited in statement one extends to this version of Gotham, which simply is a city that Can Not Possibly Exist. There is no sense of place, just a bunch of crazy items (statues that hold buildings up miles over the street! Insane asylums that have cages up on bridges over the ocean! Factories that are condemned yet still have vats of non-decayed, still soft ice cream out in the open air!) that facilitates set pieces.

Overall...this is not the Worst Movie Ever. It's not even The Worst Superhero Movie Ever (anyone who lobs that charge at this film hasn't seen, among other things, Pumaman or Ghost Rider--yes, Munn, I said it). What it is is a gigantic mess of ulterior motives, bad decisions and miscues drawn together in what has to be a perfect storm of nonsense. Could be worth watching as an example of a franchise crashing down under its own weight.

Ten Statements About....FANTASTIC FOUR (2005)

"Okay...I'll do this...but only if I'm in a much better movie six
years from now..."

"You need to control yourself. Think before you act."

"Yeah, but see, that's your problem, Reed. You always think, you never act. What if we got these powers for a reason. What if it's for some higher purpose."

1) Here's a bit of heresy--I actually think that by putting Victor Von Doom in space with Richards and company, the script streamlines itself very well, doing away with the need for a second, separate origin story.

2) You know, I could buy the whole family angle a lot easier if a) the older sister didn't look younger than her kid brother and b) she wasn't, you know, obviously of Latino origin as opposed to her all-American looking brother...but then....

3) One of the biggest miscasts in this film--and miscasting is a key flaw in this movie as a whole--is entrusting the one of the central character (for the Reed/Sue/Doom triangle is the engine that drives the script) to an actress who's not only incapable of handling weighty emotional acting, but doesn't even seem to want to be bothered to act in this silly comic book movie. Yeah, you look cute in your skin-tight scuba suit, Ms. Alba...but no thanks.

4) On the other hand, Evans and Chiklis are magnificent in their roles. These two definitely have that grumpy, argumentative-but-affectionate chemistry Johnny and Ben have, and both have these little physical moments that make you believe they're fully invested in the film as a whole.

"Look, I don't care...they cast me because I'm the Flavor
of The Week, and you're stuck with me.  DEAL WITH IT!"

5) You know, not only is the whole 'Corporate Takeover of The Bad Guy's Company To Give Him Motivation' waaaay to similar to what Norman Osborne goes through in Spider-Man, I'd swear they use the same building for Victor's HQ that they used for Norman's townhouse.

6) Movie, I can buy the accident turning Victor Von Doom into some sort of ferro-organic being. I could even accept if, let's say, he used his genius to create an electromagnetic bolt thrower or something, and an exoskeleton to make him super-strong...but giving Doom electromagnetic powers and superstrength....that's a deal breaker. Doesn't help that you cast Julian MacMahon--a competent actor, but not competent enough to make this underwritten part work.

7) If you took all the coincidences and montages out of this film's second and third act...well, you wouldn't have a second or third act.

8) Okay, CGI...you can do effective 'flame guy' and 'invisible gal' tricks...how about we do something about how fake your 'stretchy guy' tricks are, because...well, Reed looks like a chew toy.

"If only this mask didn't make me look like I was perpetually
asking for cheese..."

9) While I acknowledge that jealousy plays a major part in the Doom/Richards dynamics in the comics, reducing Doom's motivation solely to jealousy in this film makes him come off as...well, small and petty...which I guess plays right into the whole 'Glorified TV Pilot' feel this movie just never can escape.

10) As much as I think MacMahon didn't have the skill set to handle Doom, making him come off as a glorified frat boy, I give him credit for the way he handles the use of his powers. The way he chooses to shoot his bolts from below the waist...it's the only time Doom feels like the royalty he's supposed to be.

Overall...as much as I didn't care for this film when I first saw it in the theaters, it really hasn't dated well. It never gives us the feeling that it deserves to be a movie, ending up nothing more than a TV Pilot with grander ambitions.

Ten Statements About....GREEN LANTERN (2011)

"This is my power ring..but our ancestor called it maize..."

"You know, we have a saying on earth, we say; I'm only human. We say it because we're vulnerable. We say it because we know we're afraid. But it doesn't mean we're weak. Help me save my planet. Don't give in to fear. Fight it! Fight it with me!"

1) Dear Ryan Reynolds: just because you're supposed to have no fear doesn't mean you can't show any emotion. That sort of steady-state laid back with touches of snarkiness doesn't work when you're playing a character who, whether written by John Broome, Denny O'Niell or Geoff Johns, is sometimes too emotional.

The same goes for you, Ms. Lively.

2) One of the biggest nagging problems for me with this film is how the script seems to be Frankensteined from earlier successful super-hero movies. From the way Hal resolves the simulated firefight by using high altitudes to his 'oath anthology' to the initial appearance of GL involves saving a helicopter, there's a definite sense of this movie trying to quote those films that came before it instead of finding something new to say.

3) While the bulk of the film's mythology, sadly, cannibalizes the Johns Mary-Sue-like run, there are some weird choices--why, for example, do you make a point of almost recreating a scene from issue #1 of Emerald Dawn when you then choose to have Hal picked up at a birthday party?

4) And while we're on the subject, it's very disconcerting seeing practically everyone who matters in this film holding Hal in such high regard--even when he's being chewed out--when Hal pretty much does nothing to indicate to us that he is worthy of being hero-worshipped like this. The funny thing is, when we do get some small, subtle indicators later on--like when Hal stands up for Hector Hammond at the party--they're pretty much tossed away.

5) Angela Bassett doesn't need a fat suit to be Amanda Waller. Angela Bassett was born Amanda Waller, and don't you forget it.

6) It's funny how Peter Starsgaard's Hector Hammond is portrayed as the typical Modern DC Legacy Character--namely, an already extant character gives him his powers, he kicks ass, threatens to do something icky and unsavory with the female lead...and then the already extant character shows up, says the equivilent of 'Hey, thanks for keeping my seat warm, I got this,' and blasts him into oblivion.

Say what you like about the humans...they mostly got the
aliens right...

7) I really, really liked Geoffrey Rush's Tomar-Re, and I appreciated that they made it so that he was the first GL Hal meets, as is tradition. Mark Strong's Sinestro was also okay, although I found his final actions at odds with his character arc. I do wish we got to have Hal interact with one or two other Lanterns (like Salaak, who we saw for an eyeblink), or give us a mass Lantern Oath, but there you go.

8) I do wish there was more on OA, for the film really does seem to get a shot of adrenaline when it's there, but there are some really odd design choices. The Guardians, with their weird translucent glass-heads and those mile-long robes in particular looked more silly than wondrous.

9) I admit that I appreciated how they just sidestepped the whole secret identity thing; by having Tom and Carol figure out who Hal is almost immediately, it avoided diminishing them and keeping their status as smarter-than-average intact. Plus it gave Hal a legitimate 'flight crew' on Earth for certain key moments.

"Look, you're cute and all, but I am not dressing up as The
Black Widow for you..."

10) With all the problems I had with the script, I do like how it played fair with us; it lays down elements that Hal uses in all his super-heroing scenes early so we never wonder why he came up with certain constructs..

Overall...this is not a bad movie...it's just, well, blah, an average super-hero film that has two not-very-exciting actors at its core and seems more intent in quoting other films than blazing its own trail. It didn't break my heart, as it didn't disrespect one of my all-time favorite super-heroes. But it did leave me with an sense that there should have been so much more.

I was at the Loews Kips Bay again--and among the same old trailers I've been seeing for the last three months, I saw one for the Fright Night remake that made me want to throw things at the screen. I mean, if you're remaking a horror comedy--and a pretty successful one--don't you want to keep the comedy in? And I'm sorry--Chris Sarandon as Jerry Dandridge had style; Colin Farrell in a wife beater...doesn't. At least it has Imogen 'I have the most unfortunate last name in movies' Poots in it...

Ten Statements About....IRON MAN 2 (2010)

I'm Robert Downey Jr. and yes, I Am Coo'....

1) Jon Favreau and writer Justin Theroux have their hearts firmly set in the Michiliene/Layton run of the book, from the usage of personal favorite Justin Hammer to the way they mash-up elements of both the 'Demon In The Bottle' and 'Paralyzed' storyline to form the main storyline.

2) I don't care what anyone says...replacing Terrance Howard with one of my favorite actors, Don Cheadle, to portray James Rhodes represents an upgrade. The chemistry between Cheadle and Downey is stronger.

3) As someone who used to live a mile from Flushing Meadow Park, I love how Favreau managed to use all the recognizable landmarks to make up his Stark Expo...and then just as gleefully decimates them.

4) There is something truly eiree about how much Scarlett Johanssen resembled The Black Widow, and I found the scene where she goes all Old Boy on a corridor of Hammer guards fun--especially given how we can gauge her quickness by comparing her progress against Happy. Wish they would have allowed her to use her widow's sting through her gauntlets, though...

Do I even need to justify why I used this
photo?

5) Just as Favreau mashed up two storylines to create Stark's character arc, I like how he mashed up The Crimson Dynamo and Whiplash to create a more low-tech but just as scary menace in our man Vashenko....

6) Yes. I did squeal like a little girl when Tony put on his suitcase armor...why do you ask? It was part of a whole bunch of fan service that didn't seem forced or out of place, unlike with other comic book adaptations (I'm looking at you, Smallville).

7) I can see why so many people complain that this is more of a transitionary piece between the first movie and The Avengers....but since I'm one of those people who liked The Empire Strikes Back (back when I gave a crap about Star Wars) because it was transitionary, I have no problems with that....

8) More Coulson-who-should-be-named-Jasper-Sitwell! Yes!

The most underrated character in the Marvel movies.  Period

9) Admittedly, Sam Rockwell's Justin Hammer owes quite a bit to his star turn as Chuck Barris in Confessions of A Dangerous Mind...except that the nature of his arrangement with Vashenko reflects the way Hammer operated in the comic. Given that Hammer is left alive, I can only hope he emerges somewhere down the line being Tony's dark mirror, using his genius to fund villains and miscreants.

10) My only regret in the way the relationship between Stark and Pepper progresses in this film? My hopes to see a Cinematic Universe version of Bethany Cabe is now down to nil.

In short...well, I was predisposed to like this film, and it did not give me a reason not to like it. It made me feel like a little kid coming home with his stash of Marvels from the local candy store, which is something I'm getting less and less these days.

Ten Statements About....THE GREEN HORNET (2011)

There's a good reason Kato looks uncomfortable....

1) My predominant thought as I suffered through this movie was, "And they passed on the Kevin script (which was played out over ten issues of Dynamic's Green Hornet comic) for this?

2) ...and don't get me wrong: the problem here is not Seth Rogen's performance (which is pretty wretched, truth be told), but the script by Rogen and Evan Goldberg that asks us to treat an absolute jerk as a hero that never has anything close to a moment that redeems him.

3) Jay Chou seems to have walked into this train wreck from another film--you know, one which treats its subject seriously and has things like pace, tone and clear storytelling that this film doesn't. Hell, he even sings a rap song in his own language over the closing credits that's five time more entertaining than anything we've just endured.

"No, no, Seth...that's not your mom...it's your love interest..."

4) Nothing makes Cameron Diaz look so out of place as 'the hot chick' than putting her in the same room as two men who, quite frankly, look like fetuses next to her and have them alternate between slobbering over how hot she is and pointing out how much older she is. And the way she is shot makes her look like their mother.

5) Welcome, Christoph Waltz, to that rarified club for actors and actresses who won an Academy Award, and then followed that performance up with an embarassment...an embarassment made all the more sad by the fact that what he's doing is a variation, emotionally, of Colonel Blanda. At least they came up with a cool visual for his ultimate villianous self--although even that is blunted by Waltz prancing around shouting 'I'm ungassable!'

Christoph Waltz prepares to shoot his agent for getting him to
do this movie.

6) Even though the script tries to clue us into Rogen's transformation into a hero several times, you never see Britt Reid or The Green Hornet as anything other than a jealous, horny goof who take advantage of the person he calls his brother, sexually harasses his employee, fucks up his own plan to defeat the villains, and otherwise is a sheer and total dick.

7) When are people going to realize that pointing out the flaws in your film in dialogue ("Boy, your romantic lead is old!", "Hey, the name 'Bloodnofsky is stupid", "Hey, why do you suddenly like your dad when all this time you thought he was a dick?") only holds up those flaws and shakes them at the audience?

8) Some of director Michel Gondry's legendary quirkiness does bleed through all the by-the-numbers action/adventure filmmaking...and almost every time it serves to confuse the viewer--with the exception of the moment he uses split screen technology in a sequence where....grumblemutter...Bloodnofsky's men spread word of a bounty on the Green Hornet's head.

9) By eliminating the Legacy aspect of the Green Hornet, it makes all the drawing of Bruce Lee and photos of The Lone Ranger cyphers. Furthermore, by pushing Britt's father into the deep background save for a puzzling cameo in a dream sequence in the middle of a sushi restaurant, it destroys that moment where Britt realizes what a hero his father was.

10) Okay....if you establish very, very early on that Kato has an affinity for both classical music and vinyl records, why do you refrain from giving us 'The Flight of The Bumblebee' save for a joke sting towards the end? For that matter, why do you wait until the very last minute to give us the weird-ass green psychedelic lights that were a signature of the 60's television series.

In short...a truly awful, mismanaged film that falls frequently on what it wants to do. But given that this year will bring us other super-hero films like Thor (whose trailer preceded the film) will prolly erase its memory before long.

Another trip to the Atlas, mostly so I could finally get my copy of the New York Jets 2011 Calender...and trailers that mostly looked toward Summer's crop, including the aforementioned Thor, Priest (in which the whole 'war against vampires' trope is dusted off for the fiftieth time), Paul (a film that I'm really torn about seeing--on one hand, Nick Frost and the company from Shaun of The Dead; on the other hand, alien genetalia jokes) and the ubiquitous Suckerpunch. Perhaps the most interesting trailer, however, is a film I think is named Battela, which features a strange atonal song over increasingly disastrous footage of what looks to be an alien invasion. Don't know if I want to see this, but I am intrigued.