Ten Statements About....MACHETE KILLS (2013)

Yep...Amber Heard is riding Danny Trejo.  Which proves
no virtue goes unrewarded...

"Machete don't tweet."

1) Boy, Robert Rodriguez really, really wants to direct a Star Wars movie, doesn't he?

No, seriously--there is a point in this film where the Star Wars tropes so overwhelms it that it forgets what made the original film so enjoyable, namely that this was a gory late 70's action film with Danny Trejo stuck in the role usually reserved for some white pretty boy.  Sure, the intention this time seemed to be to pluck the old Mexican in the middle of a spy movie, but the sudden turn into science fiction doesn't work.

2) ...but then, Rodriguez seems so excited by all these new characters he wants to introduce that he seems to forget this is a film about, you know, Machete.  Not that I'm saying that El Chameleon and Voz and Miss San Antonio and Desdemona The Maneater and Mexican Dennis Miller aren't fun characters; I'm saying that Rodiguez spends so much time setting them up and letting them play around that Machete and the characters already set up in his world almost seem like an afterthought.

3) Is it just me, or did it seem like Rodriguez was setting up Charlie Sheen's President Rathcock as either an ally of Mel Gibson's Voz or the ultimate mastermind behind him?  That political campaign ad in the middle of the film seemed to do everything but scream out 'bad guy in disguise'.  I suppose I should be grateful that he doesn't pull the trigger on that, but if you're just going to make Rathcock into a foul mouthed straight shooter, why bother muddying the water?

4) See, Hollywood?  It is possible to make Michelle Rodriguez smile and have fun in spots while still keeping her bad ass credentials.  Hell, we get her doing the big patriotic speech to rally the troops and kick Amber Heard's ass while blind.  Let's keep that in mind for Fast Seven, 'kay?

5) Okay, I give Demain Bichir major props for being a theatrical star in Mexico City, and for appearing in a Santo movie.  But I can't buy him as Mendez because every time he slips into his psychotic personality he

"Of course I have a heart!  It's right
here in this jar!"

becomes Mexican Dennis Miller and I keep expecting him to make Cop Rock references.

6) I know there are some people who have rolled their eyes in disgust ever since the first photos of Sofia Vengara's Desdemona showed up online....but I don't have a problem with her.  It's obvious that Vengara is having fun with this character who's the opposite of the one she plays in Modern Family, and she fits within the world that was set up in the first film.

7) Whether you think Mel Gibson is a racist, misogynistic pig dog or not, he gives a really amazing performance as Voz--which is even more amazing considering what a strange and wrongheaded character Voz is.  Gibson takes this messed-up bundle of science fiction and spy movie cliches and actually put real thought into it.  This results in a character with a level of realization that maybe doesn't deserve it.

8) The political content of this film is not only weird, it's contradictory to the political content of the original film.  Starting with the scene where President Rathcock gives Machete 'what every Mexican wants'--namely, U.S. Citizenship--and continuing with Michelle Rodriguez giving the speech about it not being about Mexico anymore, the film seems unconcerned with the immigration agenda the original embraced.  And given that it slides into cheapjack sci-fi James Bond-isms, well....

"You make one more reference I don't understand,
Mexican Dennis Miller, and I will so cut you!"

9)  Another thing that's missing here from the film is those 'what the hell' moments that infused the original.  There are plenty of attempts to do so, especially when we get to Voz's compound and he shows off his science fiction toys, but they don't have the impact of, let's say, Machete using a man's intestines as a rope or Lindsey Lohan dressed as a nun mowing people down.  Maybe it's because the 'oh shit' moments in this film are both calculated and centered around hardware instead of behavior.

10) I think it's indicative of how bored I was with the later half of the film that when Antonio Banderas shows up driving an evangelical tractor trailer (just go with it), my main thought was how cool it would be if this film was a Machete/El Mariachi crossover rather than the mess I was actually watching.

Overall...A thorough mess on almost every level that manages to undermine the strength of the Machete franchise at every turn.

And incidentally--Fuck you, editor of the Machete Kills television spots for ruining several of the major plot twists with that MMA/Ready To Rumble style campaign.

I was one of three people who were in the theater at Atlas Park to see this crumbling of a franchise first hand.  I have to be honest--none of the trailers appealed to me.  Hell, the closest thing to a promo I liked was the little behind-the-scenes stunt segment with Johnny Knoxville for Bad Grampa.

Ten Statements About....SMILEY FACE (2006)

In this photo, Anna looks like I felt after I watched this film

"When I get home, I'm going to frame a bunch of stuff I love. Like lasagna. I love lasagna. It's so good and cheesy."

1) I should have known the moment that Gregg Araki's name popped up as the director of this film that I was in for a marathon of pain. Fuck Gregg Araki. Dude's been making films since I was in college and has yet to make anything I can find even remotely tolerable (and that includes The Doom Generation, with its gratuitous Rose McGowan nudity).

2) To be fair, Araki isn't the only idiot responsible for this mess. The script is by one Dylan Haggerty, and the next time I see his name on a film, I will remember that he is the man who did what to me was the inconceivable by writing a film that made me hate Anna Faris (although I haven't seen Paul Blart, Mall Cop, so it might not be the only film with that quality).

3) Don't get me wrong--I adore Anna Faris. I think she is extraordinarily talented, both as a comedian and as an actress (if you dont believe me, just watch her turn in May). She manages to find something likable in every character she assays, even in dreck like The House Bunny....except this one.

4) And here's the integral reason why. Throughout the film, we're told at key points that Faris' Jane is supposed to at the core a decent human being. And there are references to her being able to function normally as a human being...and yet, with all that the script tells us about her, we have no sense she is anything other than an out-of-it stoner bitch. There's no baseline to get a sense of what she was like before she started smoking pot like a maniac, so we have no sympathy for her as she goes through this Odyssey.

When John Cho looks at you with pity for your pot use....sigh

5) For that matter, there's absolutely no reason for us to have sympathy for Faris' Jane. Even when the thing happens that supposedly is going to make us feel uplifted by her, it makes no sense. What we end up with is a stoner chick wrecking havoc on her life and the life of others.

6) Who the fuck thought the idea of Faris being convinced Danny Masterson's Steve fucks skulls...only to have us find out that Steve actually does fuck skulls in a black room with satanic symbols painted on the walls when he discovers she has failed him was funny?

Oh, wait...I forgot this was a Gregg Araki picture.

7) Admittedly, I think there was some sort of recognition moment when Faris, while waiting on her audition, interacts with the absolutely adorable Jayma Mays, who played the Anna Faris roles in those awful ______ Movie films. But the humor doesn't come because the fact that Farris is looking at her successor is supposed to be the humor.

8) You know this film has failed in investing our lead with our sympathies where we see her being cowed by Jane Lynch...and you're actually rooting for Lynch to give her an primo supremo dyke beatdown.

"You mean I agreed to work with GREGG ARAKI????"

9) Ouch....you know, that inspiring moment where Jane drops the Communist Manifesto and it splinters into a bunch of pages that are blown up and down the California coast? The question of why it was inspiring aside, the fact that it hinges on a truly dreadful piece of CGI sort of defeats its impact.

10) Oh, and Gregg? I know I get the concept of Anna Faris having Roscoe Lee Brown as her mental voice is supposed to be funny. I know you get it. But the bulk of people watching this film probably were asking, 'Who the Hell is Roscoe Lee Brown?'

Overall...fuck Gregg Araki, and fuck this film.

Ten Statements About....PREDATORS (2010)

It's an Oscar winner--with GUNS!!!!

1) The reason this reboot/sequel (it ties directly into the first film and does not acknowledge anything after that) works is because it goes back to the reason why the first one works--a group of warriors are hunted by something that sees them as prey in an exotic locale. What few additions to the mythos are done very lightly so that the core of the action never gets stopped.

2) Similarly, I like how the title of the film has a double meaning.

3) Just like with the first film, the script by Alex Litvak and Michael Finch takes its time to put in some little character beats for all of the seven protaganists. Not a lot, mind you--even main hero Royce (Adrien Brody) gets sketchy background info, but it's enough for you to get a sense of who he is and where he's coming from.

Machete does not get hunted by ugly monsters...no, wait....

4) Well...if you're going to kill someone from your cast to prove what a bad-ass your aliens are, you can't go far wrong with Danny Trejo--especially after you see him kicking everyone's ass in the trailer for Machete preceeding the movie.

5) Count Nimrod Atal (who I thought was a pseudonym for Robert Rodriguez until I learned he directed Armored and Vacancy) as a director who knows how to shoot action effectively. Hell, there are a handful of action beats--including an incredible fight between a blade-gloved Predator and a katana-wielding Louis Ozawa Changchien in the middle of a field in a downpour--which elicited applause from the audience.

6) Is the sudden appearance of Laurence Fishburne a surprise? Yes. Is the whole sequence involving his character necessary to the plot? No. It's perhaps the one bit of fat that could've been trimmed from the film's running time.

7) Damn if Alice Braga isn't a near-spitting-image of her aunt, Sonia Braga....

8) There's a massive plot twist that doesn't work because the entropic nature of the character it involves is telegraphed miles away.....

9) The production takes full advantage of its Texas and Hawaii locations to create the alien landscape that is the film's setting.

"Daylight...see the dew on the sunflower...."

10) Thankfully, except for the jokey use of a Little Richard tune at one point, the score is subtle, never interfering with the film proper.

In short...a blueprint on how to do a reboot if you absolutely have to.

Incidentally, amongst the six trailers were ones for Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (which might give me the same sugar-buzz happiness that Speed Racer gave me, plus Elizabeth Mary Winstead in pink hair.....) and, more importantly, the official feature film trailer for Machete, which not only gives us the joy of Danny Trejo kicking ass and Cheech Marin as a shotgun-toting priest, but the surprising additions to the cast--Steven Segal? Jessica Alba?  Robert deNiro?

Oh...and the Crazy Babysitter Twins in matching white dresses and heels shooting machine guns. Gotta love that.

Ten Statements About....MACHETE (Twice!) (2010)



Danny Trejo looks to have some words with the critics....

1) Make no bones about it--Richard Rodriguez has become the greatest living purveyor of weapon porn. This film fetishizes its weapons to a ridiculous degree, and recognizes that there's something primal inside of every man that makes them respond to a hot woman firing an impressive piece of firepower.

2) Rodriguez also doesn't forget that, at its core, this film began as a thoroughly over the top joke at the beginning of Grindhouse. As such, it never loses sight of the fact that it's supposed to be ludicrous, even when its sermonizing about American Ideals and Immigration.

3) And Rodriguez seems to have found his Rosetta Stone in the faux-70's wear-and-tear look he and Tarantino created for Grindhouse. The prologue is done in that same style, and he's so effective in creating that look that, when I tried to watch it the first time, I thought the film suddenly going out of synch at the 40 minute mark was intentional.

4) I forgive Steven Segal for passing on The Expendables to play the bad guy in this film--and doing so with humor and humility we haven't seen in him for ages.

5) Rodriguez is so successful in creating the sort of iconic characters we usually find in comic books--in addition to Machete, we see an 'origin' story for a character called 'She' that borrows liberally from both the pulps and the legendary exploitation classic They Call Her One Eye--that I shudder to think what would happen if he ever is unleashed on an actual comic book property (why am I thinking his version of the most recent Blue Beetle might rock hard?)

6) Robert DeNiro dressed as a day laborer blowing people away? Comedy gold.

7) Rodriguez is very careful to include all the major shots we remember from the trailer--although the inclusion of Lindsey Lohan as the daughter in the waterfall scene doesn't quite work. Later shots of her in a nun habit shooting down bad guys with a gun that's 90's muzzle are.

This picture works on soooo many levels....

8) The script, while being silly and corny and out of its mind, doesn't waste a single line. Everything pays off--even the silly exchange of dialogue between the character of Doctor Felix and the AVellan twins' Nurse Mona and Nurse Lisa. And speaking of the twins....

9) Personal obsession Electra and Elise do have minor roles in this film....and while they do not jump into the nudity fest that Lohan, Jessica Alba and others take part in...there is more of them doing what they do best--handling weapons and acting nuts. They're also responsible for one of the funniest lines in the movie ("My uterus can feel your eyes on it").

Believe it or not, this is not the silliest Robert DeNiro looks
in this movie...

10) Danny Trejo may be the single most unlikely action hero ever--but that might be why he's so perfect in this film. The sight of this short, stocky, undeniably ugly man doing the things that we've seen so many other actors do before (including such actors as Segal, Don Johnson and Jeff Fahey, who play the triumverate of baddies in the movie) adds another delicious level of insane surrealness to everything.

Overall...a gleefully self-aware, self-effacing film that doesn't care if you look at it as a parody or a legitimate artifact of its genre.

I saw this at the UA East 19th Street 6th, a rather small theater in the UA chain that was playing host to a rather...raucous congregation of Asian Christians. I ended up seeing the film twice, as at the 11:30 show, the sound got about twenty-seconds out of synch and the manager could not correct the problem. However, without any prompting, the manager--a very cheerful African American woman--offered us seating at the 12:40 show free of charge, and personally gave us all screening passes good all month for a free admittance. It's an example of a personal touch at what could have been a cold chain theater.

Of course, that meant I had to sit through two overlapping trailer packages, including two showings of Skyline, a film that apparently is sitting by its bedside praying that it will be accepted as Independence Day, that damnable Green Hornet film that looks worse and worse every time I have to endure Seth Rogan's line readings, that 'I still matter' bid of Oliver Stone's called Wall Street 2 (poor, poor Carey), and Tony Scott's Unstoppable, which is surprising not so much for the plot and its 'based on a true story' aspirations, but for it being a Tony Scott film that's buried in the middle of November.