Ten Statements--No Wait, Eleven!--About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode Ten 'The Blood Line' (2011)

Would that Gwen had that gun trained on Russell T. Davies
to prevent him from ever writing anything again...

"You take care. Don't do those stupid, lame-ass Torchwood things.  Be a professional for once."

1) Okay....as much as this ten weeks have thoroughly eroded my affection and love for Eve Myles, there's a moment at the five minute, fifteen second mark where she teases Oswald Danes with the idea that Death is about to return to Earth. She then smiles ever-so-slightly, and I was suddenly reminded why she is so supremely sexy, and why Gwen Cooper, through most of the series, was one of the few characters I actively liked.

2) Once again, we're getting Russell T. Davies trying to prove he knows how to use Google in place of natural dialogue. That being said...

3) I give him props for following one of the precepts for making Effective villains--namely, that the villains should never think they're the bad guys. Frances Fisher, as the unnamed face of The Three Families, really sells the idea that this group is not motivated by malice but a true desire to make the world a better place. It's just a pity that Fisher, and her character, was nowhere to be seen for the first eight episodes.

"You mean I have to come back if there's a 5th
season?  Awwww, man...."

4) I know that Davies wrote that scene between Jack and Oswald as something truly profound and meaningful, with a final line that's supposed to stir us up for the coming climax. But it doesn't. Even the basic idea of comparing the two and trying to make them into similar people only diminishes Jack.

5) And once again, Kai 'The Jason Segal of Wales' Owen proves in one brief scene why he is my favorite character in the history of the show.

6) I swear, this is the single dumbest CIA unit in the history of media. Marina Benedict's Charlotte did everything short of putting on a mustache and twirling it when she planted the bomb.

7) As engaging as Fisher was--the dumbass on the Buenos Aires end of The Blessing (I'm assuming this is Chris Butler, who's billed as 'The Cousin') was a prime example of how not to play the bad guy. Cackling, loud and boisterous, he takes away a lot of the gravitas of this final stand-off. Everytime he shares screentime with Fisher, he actually makes her less effective.

8) Could someone please point out to Davies that when Angel (for that is what Torchwood has always been, the darker, more 'adult' Angel to Doctor Who's Buffy) broke away from its parent show fully, it divested itself of those remnants of the original? Constantly citing the Doctor and his mythology only reminds us of a better show--and prolly pisses off Stephan Moffat to no end.

9) Again, I have to reiterate--if the Rex that we got in this and the previous episode, who proves again in this episode that he's a lot cleverer than he seems, was the Rex we got from Episode One, I might have a higher opinion of this show.

Somehow, I think it's appropriate that this season ends
with a funeral...of the series itself, I'm thinking.

10) Okay, you've just spent ten weeks reminding us that Gwen is The Angel of Freakin' Ass-Kickery...and yet, she struggles against pampered, tiny lil' obnoxious Jilly Kitzinger? Fuck you.

11) Oh. My. Lord. Surely Davies doesn't think that we're going to buy that the computer screen zoomed in on Charlotte's name as it plays out on Rex's cellphone? Because if he does, he must think we're stupider than I ever imagined.

Overall...I was alllllmost tricked into begrudgingly liking this episode thanks to a particularly strong first half hour. But then reality crashes in and we're treated to some ludicrous stuff, a climax that, quite frankly, explains next to nothing, and a set up for what I know Davies is hoping will be a second season of real bald-faced X-Files rip-offery. With this, Davies has frittered away all the good will he earned with the Chidren of Earth arc, and hopefully will disappear into the same black hole that apparently claimed such similar charlatans as Chris Carter and Tim Kring.

Fuck this season.

Ten Statements About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode Eight 'End Of The Road' (2011)

Oh, if only John Delancie took over the entire show the way
he takes over this episode....

"Go get me a sandwich. Tomato and swiss on sourdough. Let's see how well you cope with that...and then you can find me a prostitute."

1) So lemme get this straight--we build up Angelo, do everything but say outright, 'hey, he's a key component in the mystery of the vampir--EXECUTIVES! I mean executives causing Miracle Day', and then in the first five minutes Nana Visitor's Olivia tells us that no, he has nothing to do with this, he just wants to keep Jack SAFE? And you went through all the trouble of kidnapping Gwen's family and all to do this?

I am still shocked that Jane Espenson didn't get up and call shenanigans on Russell T. Davies for the blatant bait-and-switching. But then, I'm still shocked Espenson and John Shiban didn't walk out by this point out of sheer frustration.

2) God...did Nana Visitor have a bet with Lauren Ambrose as to who could give the most annoying performance in this season? Because her sing-song sarcasm is making me want to choke a former-Star-Trek-guest-star....

Either Nana Visitor is stunned at the awfulness of this script, or
she's been hypnotized by the shiny buttons on Jack's coat.

3) I just paused this episode at the 7:21 mark...and I have to wonder how incredibly stupid the Torchwood gang is to not make the obvious connection to Oswald Danes after hearing that one of the three families that 'purchased' the secret of Jack's Ressurection was the Danes family. I mean, I'm with Alyssa of the Big Red Podcast in considering Torchwood the most incompetent agency in the world, but even they can't fail to realize one of those names is identical to the pedophile lunatic they spent two, three episodes chasing around!

4) Okay, I've now found the second character in this whole misbegotten season I like--I like John Delancie's turn as Shapiro. Delancie has enormous amounts of fun in the driver's seat, and I even laughed at his line about Jack's dress styles. He provides a much needed dose of energy to a show that's been lacking it even with all its running around screaming about how exciting it is.

5) Davies has spent almost ninety minutes of screen time trying to convince us that Jack's love of Angelo is as deep as his love for Ianto was...and I simply don't buy it. There's a sense of artificiality to this thread in the story (well, greater artificially than most Torchwood plot threads)...and evoking Ianto's name in his farewell to the aged Angelo only throws that artificiality into much sharper relief.

6) The sight of Bill Pullman doing that rigor-mortis smasmo-dance will haunt me in my dreams for weeks. And I know his ordering Lauren Ambrose to find him a redheaded woman is supposed to come off as creepy...but it's just silly, and continues to expose how amazingly, stupidly inept this storyline is at its core.

"So you've found a way to make the audience even more
weirded out--AND I get to dance all herky-jerky?  HOT DOG!"

7) So now Jilly has a mini-me in Constance Wu's Shawnie Yamaguchi? Good Lord, this is the storyline that just. Won't. Stop. Sucking. I just hope Shawnie reveals herself as CIA soon and puts bullets into the head of everyone involved in this whole ick-making plot thread.

No, wait, scratch that. Should've known she'd get killed because keeping Shawnie around made too much sense.

8) You know what I really like about Sharpio? In less than an episode, he's gotten more done than the Torchwood crew did in seven...and he's also the apparently the only person who is able to get into Jack's face and get him to actually do something constructive as opposed to bulling around everywhere.

9) Why is Russell T. Davies convinced he can still build sympathy for Oswald Danes after having everyone act all disgusted and disapproving around him for seven episodes. I honestly think that he expects the audience to feel bad that the prostitute is rejecting him and hinting that there's 'Category Zero' in store for him. Surely somebody must have expressed some trepidation at this scene when they were at read-throughs or something....

10) I'm sorry...but having Esther Drummond break down crying about how she doesn't know where she's going doesn't make much of a cliffhanger because, quite frankly, I just wish she'd crash into a tree and end this already.

Overall...the bright spot of John Delancie's Shapiro nonwithstanding, it's more of the stupidity and lack of attention to logic that's been this season's trademarked. But at least this episode is 'The End of The Road,' right? So there's no more...

What? Two more? Damnation...

(and incidentally, the last episode is called 'The Blood Line'...because it's about vampi--EXECUTIVES! I mean executives...)

Ten Statements About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode Seven 'Immortal Sins' (2011)

"And then Jack died, and the show ended, and Tom breathed
a sigh of relief....no, that's not it."

1) Oh, look...another character, because this series doesn't have enough...right? Right? And since we haven't had Jack behave in an ickily irresponsible way for about three episodes, let's get him and this new character in a weird sort of seduction scene involving a girl across the street that once again proves that Russell T. Davies--whether writing on his own or through proxies like Jane Espenson--simply doesn't understand how human really interact.

And hey, just for good measure...let's give the audience a glimpse of John Barrowman penis.

You see what happens when you give dodgy creators carte blanche, Starz?

2) You know...even though the whole about face of Ianto in Season Two was kind of abrupt, the relationship between him and Jack felt real, and it served to illuminate both characters--in the case of Ianto, turning him into a character I genuinely liked. I get the impression given all the time we spend with Jack and Angelo's love story that Davies wants us to feel the same way about this romance...and yet it simply doesn't. It feels tacked on, and as Angelo in these scenes, Danielle Favilli (trying to prove he can imitate Gary Oldman with the best of them) comes off as artificial, a piece of plot to make the whole Miracle Day situation personal. I cannot buy this any more than I can buy any of the nineteen other contrivances Davies has tried to float down my windpipe this season.

3) At this late juncture, can we please stop with the inappropriate comedy lines--like, for example, Gwen scolding Jack for forgetting her mother's name--in the middle of supposedly tense sequences? We're somewhere in the third act, Russell, and you've given us maybe a short story's worth of plot here--let's concentrate on that instead of trying to prove you've studied Joss Whedon's body of work.



"No, you signed us up for this, so you get the blame, John.



4) Thank God Jack made reference to recallibrating that wrist-thingie to Gwen's DNA, because for a moment I thought they were actually trying to hint that Jack was Anwyn's father.

5) I wonder if, over in England, Matt Smith suddenly felt dirty when The Doctor's name was evoked.

6) That being said, the little sequence with the 'Deadly Spawn' puppet is arguably the best thing in this misbegotten episode, and perhaps the first time this felt like 'classic' Torchwood and not Russell T. Davies' book report on Science Fiction Tropes of the 70's.

7) Remember how I said Davies is trying to prove he studied Joss Whedon's handiwork? That self-loathing speech of Gwen's is such a marked aping of Buffy circa Season Six it's not funny. And given the glee with which we saw her blow up a camp full of people last episode, it's not getting anywhere near the emotional reaction I suspect he wants it to.

The same goes for Jack's declaration of intent that follows it.

"I know it's supposed to be blood...but all I get is bacon fat."

8) So lemme get this straight--Angelo is able to accept that Jack is from the future, that he's traveled to other worlds, and that some of those other worlds have weird snakey parasite creatures that eat your brains...but he's not able to accept that Jack is able to survive a gunshot to the head? That's just sloppy writing.

Or maybe more precisely forcing a development because you can't think of a more natural way to get your characters to where you want them to go.

9) I will also give you that the scene in the butcher shop is pretty nightmarish--and also, like the scene with the Deadly Spawn parasites, reminiscent of classic Torchwood..but did it need to go on for so long?

No, wait...it's a scene in a Russell T. Davies produced show. Fuck subtlety and tact.

10) Okay, we get that Angelo is either the brains behind this or the key of this masterplan...and yeah it's a shock given how we haven't seen him up until this episode. Swooping in with a 'shock twist' usually fails when the twist isn't set up in amongst all the bloated plotting of the last month and a half.

Overall...this is marginally better than some of the other episodes...but it's not better enough to make me rescind my 'fuck this series' thoughts.

Ten Statements About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode Six 'The Middle Men' (2011)

Ladies and gentlemen...the only actor who actually tries to
act well in this misbegotten story....

"If schemes and conspiracies are being plotted,they must be seen only as patterns, waves. Shifts that are either too small or too vast to be perceived. Someone is playing the system right across the planet with infinite grace."

1) Okay, that pre-credit teaser may have been the best moment in this wretched series to date...and notice that there wasn't any of our regular characters involved in it, just Ernie Hudson on the phone to some guy. Yes, there's the usual icky Russell T. Davies 'Everyone-Must-Have-Sex' aesthetic for a second...but the rest of it is reminiscent of some of the better X-Files teasers of their heyday.

...which is the first evidence that someone other than Davies (namely writer John Shiban) had a hand in this episode.

2) You know, I get that stuff like Rex finally admitting he's Torchwood is supposed to get us cheering and on his side and all that...but when you spend the last five episodes of your show setting him up as a nationalistic Ugly American Douche, you haven't earned the right to manipulate us like that.

3) Yep, just as I figured out last episode....this is a gigantic Holocaust/Concentration Camp metaphor. Now all I have to wait for is the inevitable shot of the Space Cannibals/Vampires/Whatever in the Nazi-esque uniforms sprinkling cremains on their Post Toasties, and the bad taste in my mouth will be complete.

4) In a season known for hiring bad actors, and for eliciting bad performances from great actors, the performance of Mark Vann may very well be the absolute worse. I don't know if Russell T. Davies told him to play the role as The World's Evilest James Carville Impersonator or not, but he is thoroughly dreadful and couldn't convincingly cover up that he forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning, let alone murdering and cremating one of the major characters of the first five episodes.

You call it a gratuitious shot of someone pushing a pen into
a splattery make-up effect; I call it a graphic representation of
exactly how watching this crap feels.

5) I have always been sympathetic toward Gwen Cooper for the bulk of this series--primarily because Eve Myles is an amazingly good actress, and also because the chemistry between her and Kai 'The Jason Segal of Wales' Owens is so supremely good it sheds light into an otherwise dour series...but the scene where she harasses Dr. Patel simply loses all that goodwill. Part of it is because Myles has the unenviable task of spelling out the Concentration Camp Metaphor in Big Gaily Colored Building Block Letters so even people in a coma can get it, but mainly its because she's taking on this Holier-Than-Thou attitude that the show has not earned. Hell, quite frankly Rex's actions are doing much more good in this episode than hers are.

6) Wow...if you want to get someone to help you, mocking you about the affair you're having with your boss and your prowess at your job after proving you've done your stalker homework is not a good strategy, Jack.

...and of course it works...because, as we've mentioned before, Russell T. Davies has no conception of how human beings actually interact.

7) God Help Us, Ernie Hudson didn't get the memo to overact and play his character in only the broadest strokes. He's trying to give us an honest-to-goodness decent performance! And the scene with his Stuart Owens having a sit down to talk conspiracies is perhaps the single best scene in this season so far.

For those keeping count, that's two good moments in an episode...both of them involving Ernie Hudson. Coincidence? You decide.

8) Our heroes are real, real crap liars. I don't think any of the characters in this episode--not Rex, not Esther, not Rhys--are effectively deceptive on any level. At least give Rhys points for trying to sass his way through....

9) So Esther is like, what, a MMA fighter able to triangle choke Evil James Carville to...well, not death, since we know what happened to Dichen Lachman and her extreme neck trauma in Episode Two...sorry, don't buy it. And Evil James Carville going all Jason on her is perhaps the most expected shock revival of all time.



Yeah, I'd hide my face if I appeared in
this episode, too.



10) WAIT! We get this whole self-righteous speech from Gwen earlier about how they're killing people in these Overflow Camps and that poor doctor should be ashamed of herself for allowing it to happen--and then she turns around and BLOWS UP THE CAMPS? WITH EVERYONE INSIDE, SICK PEOPLE SHE WAS DEFENDING INCLUDED? WHILE JACK LAUGHS IN ENCOURAGEMENT?

I...I am speechless. I cannot imagine what Davies expected our reaction to be....did he think we'd not realize that one of our main characters is as big a murderer as the villains are?

Overall...I cannot believe how miserably bad this show is. Even for something produced by Davies, this is stunning in its awfulness. The only thing--the only thing--that eve vaguely redeems it are those two scenes with Ernie Hudson. His nuanced performance actually kept me from punching a hole through the laptop screen.

If you're defending this program, or giving it a pass due to your love of Davies' run on Doctor Who...well, shame on you.

Ten Statements About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode Five 'The Categories Of Life' (2011)

I don't know which is more horrific--the fact that Dr. Juarez is
about to be burned alive, or that she has to spend so much time
with this dumb racist James Carvell lookalike...

"Whatever you're doing to fight this miracle, count me in. They just took control of life and death."

1) Look, I trust Jane Espenson as a writer--besides the many good episodes she contributed to Buffy, she co-created and wrote material for a show I rather liked called Point Pleasant. I trust John Shiban, who wrote some exceptional episodes of The X-Files. Did no one listen to what Russell T. Davies had in store for this bloated ten hour mess and say, 'Russell, you need to rethink some of these ideas. Okay, most of these ideas.'

Okay, all of these ideas."

2) I thought Gwen and Captain Jack were listed as of Episode Two as, at the very least, Persons Of Interest, and would have their photos pasted all over airports by The Mysterious Agents Of The Mysterious Vampi--CORPORATION! I Mean Corporation That Pulls The Strings Of The Miracle. And yet Gwen just waltzes back into Wales to have comedy flirty time with Rhys?

3) At this point, I think we really need to drop the 'Jack teases Rex with intimations he might be gay' thing. It was old about two episodes ago.

Lord knows I understand, Mr. Barrowman...I want to lie down
and die after watching this episode...

4) Okay, we get this big scene where Dr. Juarez says she wants in on Torchwood, she gets kinda, sorta inducted into the crew...and then, when she wants to flounce off and 'investigate' at the facility Rex went undercover to investigate, she starts saying she's not Torchwood. Is anyone reading these scripts for continuity? We're talking about contradictory information separated by less than ten minutes here!

5) My GOD, did they just pull a variation on 'Oh, you're a WOMAN Doctor' thing with Dr. Juarez and the Overflow Camp administrator followed by a Nazi joke? I'd expect that of Davies, who always displayed no sense of how humans interact in the real world, but Espenson?

Oh, wait. Look at statement one. Never mind.

6) You know what one of the major differences is between this and 'Children of Men'--besides of course this one sucking and the other one being the best thing Russell T. Davies was ever attached to? This one keeps forcing humor in at the most inopportune times...and every gag about Hillary Duff and bit of flirty-flirty between Juarez and Rex, or Esther and Jack, stops the flow of the story dead. Not only that, it dissipates the tension built up in the story prior....resulting in a show that has to keep re-earning its thriller status by rebuilding the thrills that made that tension in the first place.

7) I have this very weird sense that Davies is using the whole Overflow Camp angle to address all the panic some Americans had over 'death panels' when Obama tried to pass nationalized health care. While there is a proud tradition of writers using science fiction to address modern concerns in this country, Davies' ham-fistedness, tendency toward broad villains and inability to plot coherently may very well make him the last person I want trying to make any political statements.

"..and I promise you you'll be able to murder children and make
a killing in the real estate with no money down..."

8) So Oswald Danes has gone from child murderer to, what? The world's greatest inspirational speaker? Huh?

9) So now you're doing a whole Concentration Camp riff, Davies? Really?

10) At least Arlene Tur is now finally free of this thing, even though I'd categorize her end as overkill in the extreme.

Overall...I'm just dumbfounded at how this show seems to be getting worse and worse with each successive episode. My theory that Davies intentionally set out to create a season so dire to dare everyone to watch it remains intact. And thinking we're only halfway through this bloated turd makes my blood run cold.

Ten Statements About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode Four 'Escape To LA' (2011)

Noooo!  Mare Winingham--Run!  Run or you'll be Davies-ized!

"George Elliot wrote this chapter in Middlemarch. She said that if you take a piece of metal with random scratches on it, and hold a flame up to the metal, the scratches look like they're forming patterns circling around the light...and that's Oswald. He's blazing away. The patterns are starting to revolve around him and all we have to do is keep watching."
 

1) I suspect that the opening scene with Esther and her sister is supposed to make us have some form of sympathy for her...never mind that we already have sympathy for her be the sheer dint of her being one of the only people we don't want to punch in the face. But given how Russell T. Davies has never shown any conception of how people actually interact with each other coupled with her damned intention of showing how he thoroughly researched his premise, the scene just. falls. flat.

2) I can understand why C. Thomas Howell was dragged into this...but Mare Winningham, playing a shrewish mayor demanding that the people who should have died be isolated? WHY? She actually, you know, still has a career and stuff.

Noooo!  They shot Soul Man!

3) Okay...after that icky phone exchange with Rex, I now want to punch Dr. Juarez in the face.

4) Thank the Lord for Kai 'The Jason Segal of Wales' Owen. Rys' scenes with Gwen actually brings some genuine lightness--as opposed to forced cutesy-poo romantic comedy dialogue or lame-ass gender-bending barbs--into what is a dour, lifeless series.

5) I'm sorry...but you can't keep hinting that Lauren Ambrose is part of some greater power manipulating things, hinting at her being something sinister...and then have her turn around and give this self-righteous speech about how she can't stand the sight of Oswald Danes' hands. It doesn't give her any dimension. It doesn't drive home how loathsome Danes is, because it already figured that out. The scene just lies there inert, something we're suppose to think is significant, but can't because of all the argle-bargle that happened before.

6) It occurs to me that the majority of this episode is designed to make us understand the motivations of our new characters better. But these scenes fail because by this episode, we should care about them enough to want to understand them and the time we should have spent getting to know them has been taken up by Russell T. Davies proving he knows how to Google. We don't care about Rex at all, so knowing he has a destitute father means nothing to us. While we do care about Esther, finding out she has a mentally ill sister doesn't add anything to her character. This deep into the season is not the time to start going 'hey, we need to fill out these guys.'

Eve Myles tries to get her agent to remove her from this
sinking ship....

7) I'm with Jack...as much as I love her, Eve Myles should never, ever attempt an American accent again. She prolly shouldn't ever have her hair up, either.

8) This whole new angle of Danes literally trying to pass himself off as some modern-day Christ for the Miracle Day afflicted is stomach churning--not because it's blasphemous, but because it's 'what the fuck?' level stupid. I simply cannot believe Davies intended this to be a major plot point.

9) LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS???? What, did Davies just raid his Brat Pack database?

10) Alyssa from the Big Red Podcast was right; the scene with Rex wheezing and huffing up 66 flight of stairs was ridiculous..especially since to make it work, we had to have Professional Killer In Black C. Thomas Howell go all Bond Villain on Jack and Gwen and start spouting soliloquizes...

Overall...I'm beginning to wonder if Davies is actively daring us to get through this increasingly ludicrous story. We have another script by someone who knows how to write effective television, James Shiban, which sounds exactly like a Davies script. There is a level of sheer awfulness to this that I am afraid I may not last until the end before taking an axe to my laptop.

Ten Statements About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode Three 'Dead of Night' (2011)

After watching three episodes of this season, I want to put
on a mask and cry, too....

"Now, technically, we both know I can't kill you. But you see, the beauty of this miracle is if I shoot you just right, then maybe you might live in agony for who knows how long...maybe a thousand years. Now you think about that."

1) So we're supposed to root for Rex because he, what, threatens to torture Wayne Knight in full Newman mode? Somehow, it just makes him look like a bully. But then, since I find both Rex and Knight's Friedkin detestable characters...I just don't care.

2) Ooooooh....so there's a secret organization that's been pulling the strings for decades and knows everything. Like I didn't see that one coming.

Yeah, I'm going to need some of those painkillers if I'm to keep
watching this season, Jack....

3) Well, I guess we should not get attached to Esther any time soon. We all know what happens to people on Torchwood who actually, you know, know what they're doing, right?

4) I know the script is written by Jane Espenson of Buffy and Point Pleasant fame, but...it still feels like a Russell T. Davies script. Hell, it feels like RTD's Greatest Hits...which makes you wonder why the Stephen Moffats and Paul Cornells of the world were able make their Doctor Who scripts still uniquely theirs.

5) I am so relieved we've still got Arlene Tur's Dr. Juarez around...about the same amount I can't stand that she's sharing scenes with Lauren Ambrose's Jilly Kitzinger. It's like watching Roger Delgado's version of The Master having lunch with John Sims'.

6) The basic problem with the dramatic confrontation between Rex and Jack is simple--while Mekhi Phifer is a better actor--a much better actor--than John Barrowman, the scripts for this season has not done any work to make Rex anything other than an asshole whereas Jack has been made to look a whole lot more accessible and friendly. Thus, when Rex stalks off after having their little blow-up, the viewer isn't worried in the least. Hell, they're relieved the jerk is gone.

7) Contrast the Rex/Jack interaction with that of Esther and Gwen. There is such an easy chemistry between Eve Myles and Alexa Havins that you can believe they'll have each other back no matter what.

As bad as this season has shaped up to be, I can at least
take some joy in rhe interplay between these two.

8) My GOD, they're not building a romance between Rex and Juarez? Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised given Russell T. Davies inability to see male/female relations in terms other than romantic or fruit-fly-esque. But then again, the idea of Juarez willingly jumping into bed with a patient she knows has a damaged heart--literally--makes her less of a doctor, right? Right?

9) My GOD Part Two....was that whole sequence featuring Danes running from two rednecks wanting to hurt him for being a child-murdering pedophile into the arms of two cops that beat him to shit designed to make us feel sympathy for him? I get that the whole idea is to make us feel duped when Danes shows us his true colors...but it's done in the typical hamfisted Davies way, which means the effect falls flat.

10) It just occurred to me watching Ambrose interact with Pullman...Jilly has her own uniform. Not only that, it's a uniform that's in direct contrast with the color palette of the entire show, with the bright red coat. hair and lipstick. I think this is Russell T. Davies' idea of a subtle clue that Jilly may be more powerful than she seems....Hell, that she may in fact come from the same organization that Captain Jack Harkness and Captain John Hawk used to work for.

Notice the operative phrase is 'Russell T. Davies idea of a subtle clue.

Overall....this has rapidly degenerated into the awful excesses of the first season--lots of inappropriate sex made even smuttier since it's being done for American cable, characters that simply don't behave in any way like human beings do, sinister corporations...only this time with the added overlay of Davies proving he did a lot of googling to extrapolate his premise. And even the rare character I like, such as Dr. Juarez, is made somewhat questionable thanks to her questionable actions. I'm dancing on the edge of saying 'Fuck this season.' Dancing a lot.

Ten Statements About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode Two 'Rendition' (2011)

"Alright...if we inject Russell T. Davies, he might end up
being a decent writer."

"Everything mortal becomes immortal, so everything immortal becomes mortal. See? I can be useful."

1) Well...as I feared, Mekhi Phifer's job is to be a one dimensional, colossal dick, and they're going to give Kai 'The Jason Segal of Wales' Owen a pass out of the show. But on the other hand, Dichen Lachman (okay, Dichen Lachman once again hiding her natural sexy Aussie accent, but...).

2) Oh, my god...don't tell me that we've got to sit through eight more weeks of the typical Russell T. Davies sophomoric sexually-based humor. I thought we were done with that circa 'Children of Earth.'

3) Is there a reason why Wayne Knight is in this..of course, it doesn't help that he's playing a smarmy jerk in his interactions with Esther in such a way that I expect Kramer to slide into CIA HQ at any moment. And the way he pulls the same dithering anxious faces throughout his brief time, you don't buy him as this Guy Who's Pulling The Strings.

4) You know what I love about the way Eve Myles and John Barrowman work together? The way they've worked out this excellent timing with their body language so that by watching them interact you can get a whole other level of understanding about what's going on. Between these two, a shift in a chair or a very quick, faint smile speaks volumes more than what they're bickering about.

To my surprise, this is my favorite character in this story.

5) I suspect we won't be seeing Arlene Tur's Dr. Juarez for very long--which is a pity, because she is, along with Esther, the only new character worth a damn in this story. I just wish the story didn't portray her as The Doctor With All The Answers at times.

6) Poor, poor Bill Pullman, who is doing his damndest to give the role of Oswald Danes far more depth than it needs, or Davies intended him to have. He's so out of place, trying to give a realistic performance in what is amounting to be a really poor comic book...worse, a comic book written by Brian 'If My HBO Went Out, I'd Have Nothing To Write' Azzarello for the Bill Jemas era 'decompressed' Marvel...

　

7) ..and then to add insult to injury, they saddle him with Lauren Ambrose trying to channel her inner Diane Keaton as a comedy relief public relations specialist? Who's proposing Danes capitalize on his crime in direct opposition to the laws in New York State that expressed forbid felons from doing so? DID ANYONE THINK THIS STORYLINE THROUGH?

8) Davies does know that when your whole story revolves around the human race suddenly losing the capacity for death, it's kind of hard for us to feel suspense over the idea that someone is trying to kill Esther, right? Right?

"Alright...you need to sit down and find that accent of
yours and put it back on...you're annoying everyone."

9) My God, they're actually expecting us to be sympathetic toward Rex...well, they're expecting a lot, because right now--even after he saves Jack's life--I still want to punch him in the face repeatedly with a cestus.

And sadly, he is far from the only character I want to do this to.

10) So basically, when you boil this episode down to its core...it's an hour on an airplane running around looking for ammonia. There's a definite whiff of this being a running in place exercise designed to get the show up to its ten week commitment.

Overall....the things I do for you people....this is going to be a very, very awful story.

Ten Statements About....TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY Episode One 'The New World' (2011)

I don't know...I'd almost bet on Gwen Cooper kicking Sarah
Conner's ass in the Sci-Fi Mom Sweepstakes...

".First I knew they were calling from the morgue, they were laughing. They said, 'what's happening up there, you all on strike?' Turns out no one had died. 24 hours since this hospital had a death. Not one. Not from old age, not from injury, not from sickness. All day long."

1) I have a really, really bad feeling that Mekhi Phifer's Rex is going to never rise higher than being The Ugly American. Except for a couple of moments (one of which we'll cite below), he's so broad in his 'fuck Wales, fuck everything, I'm the man' attitude that it takes away from the flow of the story.

2) God, how I missed the interaction between Eve Myles (still looking hot-but-approachable) and Kai 'The Jason Segal of Wales' Owens. Those two, and their interactions with the other supporting cast, have always been the secret weapon of this show, and seeing them still having that divine chemistry is a joy. Even if Davies has decided to Sarah Conner the both of them....

3) What's more annoying that someone saying the name of a movie in the movie? Several people saying the name several times over the space of ten seconds...just like when you have everyone mention Torchwood...you know, 'cause this is about Torchwood, right?

Torchwood.

Get used to this face...'cause this is pretty much the only
emotion Mekhi Phifer is allowed to have.

4) Jesus Christ...I feel so sorry for Bill Pullman, who is a good actor, playing this thoroughly one-dimensional monstrosity. He seems to be in this season for much the same reason Billy Connolly's charcter was in that awful X-Files: I Want To Believe--giving him this extraordinary status solely so that Davies can have people rail at him for being a child-killing monster and make everyone in the show seem better for disapproving of him.

5) I do give Davies credit for having the courage to keep Captain Jack offstage until the twenty minute mark, and not playing him right away in a positive light. Hell, I know the history of the character and even I found his first appearance here borderline creepy.

6) I'm beginning to think that Davies strength is not characterization--because I find almost all of his characters broad and ill-formed, lacking any sort of subtlety--but his ability to spot people who have the right qualities, both alone and in concert with others, to bring those characters the depth he in incapable of giving them. Seeing John Barrowman's Captain Jack interact with Alexa Havins' Esther Drummond brings her character--up until that point a very bog standard innocent bystander--to life, and gives both of them the same sort of vitality that Gwen and Rhys have.

7) Okay, that autopsy scene? Veeeeery creepy, and helped by the very quiet cutaways to Mekhi Phifer's reactions to what was going on. It's prolly the high point of the episode.

That blur at the bottom?  The single creepiest thing in this
episode....

8) I know I talked about her above...but God, I hope the greater distribution of this will show the world what Eve Myles is capable of, and get her more work. Lots more work. The scene with her parents, where she goes from comedy to tragedy seamlessly but logically is brilliant.

9) Admittedly, the idea that the one thing that puts fear in Captain Jack is the fact that he can be injured is pretty cool.

10) The final action sequence that brings our cast together again? Pretty. Damn. Choice.

Overall...this thing seems to be a step down from the nearly pitch perfect 'Children of Earth, and suffers from an extreme need to remind us over and over about what this series is about. It smacks a bit more of Season Two, which was uneven but got better as it went along. I'm not ready to throw up my hands and walk away just yet, but I'm not exactly