Ten Statements About....COWBOYS AND ALIENS (2011)

"Watch out!  The mechanical brine shrimp is after us!"

"I don't know what it is, but it's bleeding."

1) You know you're in trouble when you have seven writers attached to your script. Because when you have that many writers, each with their own ideas on the script, you sometimes end up with a lot of 'Just Go With It.'

2) I was encouraged at times by the implication that Harrison Ford's Dolarhyde might be more of a villain in this. He certainly acts monstrously, and he also gets points for being named after a serial killer in a Thomas Harris novel. But once the aliens show up, he starts slowly reverting to the typical Harrison Ford Hero-type. By the time we get to Adam Beach telling the Apache Chief what a good man Dolarhyde is, you realize we're supposed to believe it as well in spite of the horrendous stuff we've seen him doing.

Yes, Ms. Wilde..I will ride your trail...

3) I really wish we had more about the nameless Frog-Cricket-Spider things that are the titular alien...or about the alien race that Olivia Wilde's Ella comes from (Oh, c'mon...anyone who couldn't have figured that out from the trailer I saw ninety times in the coming months wasn't paying attention). Yes, you don't have to explain everything to make me happy, but you need to explain something. Just telling us that, hey, these things wants your gold just isn't enough...

4) At first, I was encouraged a bit by how it seemed Favreau cast a number of actors against type--Clancy Brown as a preacher, for example...but while the window dressing is different, their actions show us that they're actually being cast to type.

5) Okay, look here, Frog-Cricket-Spider-thingies...your scout ships are these weird techno-organic brine shrimp-like creations, but your ship is...a rocket. You can be either techno-organic or technologically inclined; you can't be both.

6) I've always wondered what you can see when you drink peyote tea, and now I know...you see the worst CGI hummingbird imaginable.

7) Once again, I am confronted with a movie where I find Olivia Wilde incredibly sexy. Hell, I'd be fine with her playing Lara Croft now that I've seen her in a ponytail...as long as they give her a stetson and a sideways gunbelt as well....or maybe nothing but...

...which once again proves the fact that I can't stand Thirteen is entirely the fault of the writers and creator of House

Yep...I've had nights where I wake up in the middle of
nowhere with some techno-gun welded to my wrist....

8) I do have to give credit to the film for giving us a tribe of Apache warriors who only speak Apache. While it's obvious that Favreau really wants to hearken back to an old-school Western feel, there are tiny touches like this that ground the film in some semblance of reality.

9) It really, really surprised me that, given how many times Favreau gives us moment where he draws attention to how both Craig and Wilde both have vivid blue, distinctive eyes, the film never pulled the trigger on the idea that maybe Craig's Lonegan was an alien as well. It strikes this might have been the intention in one of the earlier drafts, but it got shunted off by the wayside. It would certainly have given the ending the bittersweetness the film was obviously going for.

10) This is prolly due to the actors all around, but Ford, Craig and even Keith Carridine manage to make the whole 'they hated each other, and now they respect each other' thing work. Still doesnt make the happy and bright ending with everybody loving each other and wearing their Sunday Best.

Overall...even though there are some moments, this is a disappointment for being just another 'Just Go With It' action film. There needed to be a little meat on its bones, a little more mythology to support the performances.

Saw this at The Atlas--which, for some reason, turned on the lights three minutes before the credits rolled--and suffered through such horrors as the much-threatened Battleship (shame on you, Peter Berg...shame on you); Brett Ratner's latest product, the Ben Stiller/Eddie Murphy caper flick Tower Heist which is notable for the inclusion of Alan Alda and a very thinning-on-the-top Matthew Broderick; and Final Destination 5, which at least has the good sense to bring back Tony Todd. And thank God I missed the Firstlook, because I would have started screaming during the preview of that abomination that is supposed to be the Straw Dogs remake.

Flat And Red And Shiny Inside: Jack of All Trades Disc One(2000)

Yeah. I know I said I was going to the second Undergrads disc, but the last two episodes--the so-called 'tighter continuity' ones--so pissed me off I decided to go on to the next stop on the 'Tom looks at television he vaguely remembers liking' train. Because it's so much better.

Besides, this disc ties in with the unintentional theme of this week, namely, 'Bruce Campbell Is Way Cool.'

This is one of two half-hour shows that replaced Hercules: The Legendary Journeys on Sam Raimi's Action Pack syndicated package (I didn't care so much for the other one, Cleopatra 2525 in spite of the wicked hotness of Gina Torres and Victoria Pratt), and the premise...well, the theme song explains it in the most general strokes:

To fill in the specifics: Bruce Campbell is Jack Styles, the post-Revolutionary War era's answer to James West. Concerned with French expansionism under Napoleon (Not to mention Jack's, ummmm, expansion into his niece) President Jefferson re-assigns Jack to Pullau Pullau, an island in the West Indies under French rule. Jack is teamed with 'mildly disgruntled' scientist (Artemis Gordon to Jack's James West) Emilia Rothschild (Angela Dotschin), and uses the local folk legend of The Daring Dragoon to aid in his campaign of desception and espionage against Pullau Pullau's governer, Croque (Stuart Devine), and Croque's right hand man, Captain Brogard (Stephen Papps).

Now let's get this out of the way right now: Jack of All Trades is a Renaissance Pictures/Tappart and Raimi series, and is done in that style--namely, that it's a mixture of broad comedy and adventure where the characters use anachronistic modern dialogue. If you're familiar with the style from Hercules and Xena, you'll know if its for you.

If you can stand that style, then there's a lot to like in here. Obviously, a lot of that lot rests on the shoulders of Campbell himself, who plays his role of Jack to the hilt. This is Bruce cranking it to eleven, reveling in his 'Ugly American' role while also presenting to us a character who is as good as people say, and isn't afraid to say so. And he does work well with Dotschin, who tends too much toward the broad, especially when she tries to express exasperation. But then, Dotschin is responsible for a lot of the steampunkish tech that surfaces throughout the series, so she can be forgiven her mugging.

Since this is the first disc of a Renaissance Pictures series, a lot of the episodes seem designed to set up satellite characters who would drift in and out of the series every once in a while. None of them really took except for Napoleon, played by Verne Troyer. It's obvious that Troyer was meant to be a joke casting, but the man does strive to give Napoleon a sinister second side to him. Some of the others--rival spies Martin and Rupert Smythe, pirate Blackbeard, and Jack's ex-partner and lover Kentucky Sue--don't aren't as effective. None of them really have the appeal that the satellite characters that were introduced during Hercules, so it's fortunate none of them seem to have returned.

However, the truly amazing thing about Jack of All Trades is that the series presents done-in-one comedy adventures that were all roughly twenty minutes long.

I'll repeat that last bit. Each episode was twenty minutes long.

Nothing, but nothing is wasted. The show runs at a quick pace which manages to break out the jokes while keeping the viewer focused on the story at hand. Granted, the stories are sometimes quite simple: Jack and Emilia have to rescue Ben Franklin from Blackbeard; Jack and Emilia have to destroy a super-cannon, etc.--but it works, and works well. And even though the series ended up not being converted to an hour-long format much like Cleopatra 2525 did, I'm sort of grateful it stayed true to its original precept. It knew what it wanted to do and stuck to its gun.

Provided you know what you're getting into, and if your tolerance for the Renaissance style and/or love of Bruce Campbell is high, you might enjoy this loads. Although it might leave you like me, wondering yet again why no one seems able to capture Campbell's unique style and charisma on television for any length of time.

　

Ten Statements About....THE ADVENTURES OF BRISCO COUNTY JR. Episode Two: 'Socrates' Sister' (1993)

"What's that sucking the excitement out of the episode...oh,
it's just Judith Hoag...."

"Gravesend? That town's buried under fifty feet of water."

"That's right."

"So how in the Hell are we gonna get your plate? With a fishing pole of hope and delusional fantasies for bait?"

1) It's nice to see that, with the second episode and the pesky need for it to look like a feature film for the European audiences out of the way, the series' 'trade dress' still retains that pulpy/serial flavor. Little touches like giving a title seqience credit to Comet the Horse and retaining the chapter titles at the twenty minute or so marks (roughly the same length as a chapter of an old serial) keep the show close to its roots as an old school adventure.

2) While this show continues to do what will become the stock in trade trick of the Renaissance Pictures' Action Pack shows--namely, putting modern quirks and concepts in an old world setting--they feel more authentic here. Part of it is just the language the characters use, but part of it is how they don't draw much attention to, let's say, talk of civil rights in the middle of their story.

3) You know...I understand why Judith Hoag, who plays the titular sister of Socrates and was the first April in the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, didn't have much of a career. She's not a very good actress, and can't really carry the weight of her role. And on top of that, she has no chemistry with Campbell--and Campbell has chemistry with everyone--which kills the romantic subplot.

4) I guess I was mistaken--Pete Hutter returns in this very episode, although he seems to be shorn of that strange mixture of old-west gibberish and new age intellectualism that made him so endearing. Still, Pyper-Ferguson makes this character so vital that it doesn't surprise me that Cuse and Boam determined we needed him back, like, now.

(Luckily, Cuse and Boam must've felt they needed to give Hutter a little rest before his revival...see point 9 below)

Every time John Astin shows up, the series
like gold.

5) God, I love Astin's Professor Wickwire, who's a lot deeper than the 'addled scientist' archetype he's supposed to be portraying. There's a definite warmth in his performance, and the way his face seems to light up when he start expounding on life lessons with Brisco--as if this is a man physically excited by the idea of debating and examining real life issues--is amazing. The lack of Amanda, however, is curious.

6) Sadly, Christian Clemenson ends up playing the comic relief in this episode, sitting in a mess of bags while people comment 'too much weight.' He deserves better, especially figuring that this episode should focus at least partially on him.

7) This episode continues the tradition the show has of being true steampunk--we may take deep sea diving as a given now, but to the world of the Old West it was still a weird and out there idea. And making sure that the 'Inner Space Suit' was of the clunky old variety and not something sleek and science fictiony (something I suspect a more modern treatment of the same themes would do) keeps the trueness of the concept intact.

8) You know, William Russ was not very interesting as a villain. As we'll learn very rapidly, we can pick out who will be the recurring villains and who won't by how much of a backstory and personality they have.

Yes, Pete's back.  Yes, he was shot dead in
the pilot.  Just deal with it for now....

9) I can understand why, according the the imdb trivia page, this was the episode of the show that was initially shown out of order. It feels like a breather episode to be placed between two mythology-heavy programs. Watching it in its original position in the series, I kept wondering where the Orb stuff was....

10) To the best of my knowledge, this is the first and last time we hear about Socrates' sister, and about their less-than-high-class upbringing. And this is a good thing.

In short...a bland follow-up to the pilot that is enlivened by some character bits, it's not surprising it got shuffled deeper into the season.

Ten Statements About....THE ADVENTURES OF BRISCO COUNTY JR. Episode One: 'Pilot' (1993)

If you can resist the sight of Bruce Campbell
dressed as Bat Lash riding a Rocket--with a
saddle, no less--then you can no longer be
my friend....

"You're not quite what I expected, Mr. County."

"Well, expectations lead to disappointment, Socrates. That's why I try not to have any."

1) It is a shame that R. Lee Ermey has spent the bulk of his acting career playing variations of his drill sargent in Full Metal Jacket--because here, as Brisco's father, we see him stretch a little, giving us a surprising amount of grace to what could be a very standard, regulation sacrificial lamb.

2) I had forgotten that they didn't introduce Brisco himself until over ten minutes into the pilot--at which point the whole premise of the series has been set up save for some of the deeper parts of the mythology. And, since Brisco is a fusion of modern and pulp western sensibilities, when we meet him, he's about to hang for something he didn't do (which makes me think what I bring up about one of Brisco's spiritual godfathers two points down is true)...

3) This show never loses sight of the fact that this is a fusion of two genres in a steampunk setting...but it does so very subtlely. Even setting it in 1893--like 1993, not long before a new century begins--is a key to understanding that the show is going to jump between the now and the then, using the past to illuminate the future while telling a cracking pulp adventure. It's not an easy task, but it's to the credit of Jeffrey Boam, Carlton Cuse and David Simkins.

4) Those people who say Bruce Campbell has a very limited range--namely, that he only plays Bruce Campbell--never have seen this show. Yes, Brisco is a Campbellian hero--but one whose a lot more cerebral and thoughtful than Ash, Autolycus, and the others. He has his own philosophy, and seems to want to think his way out of things rather than bull through them. And incidentally, I have to wonder if Brisco's look, with the ornate pattern vest and blue shirt, was not a nod/shout-out/whatever to the DC hero Bat Lash, considered one of the first 'modern' western comic book characters.

5) How can you not love a television series that, in its pilot, gives significant roles to Julius 'So 'Nuff' Carrey, James 'Lo Pan' Hong, and John 'Gomez Addams' Astin? If that doesn't make it clear that it wears its genre love on its sleeve, I don't know what does...

Why am I putting a photo of Kelly Rutherford as Dixie Cousins
here?  Why are you asking this question?

6) It's kind of hard to explain just how much of an impact Kelly Rutherford had in this series--especially given how she never quite matched the whole 'sex on a stick' quality she had as Dixie Cousins in any of her successive roles in shows such as Melrose Place and Kindred: The Embraced. But...wow.

7) It's easy to see why John Pyper-Ferguson's Pete Hutter quickly outmatched all the other bad guys--even the supposed main baddie, Billy Drago's John Bly--and became a fan favorite. His strange mix of intellectualism and Old west gibberish is unique and endearing, and unlike anything else in the show. It's not a surprise at all that his death in this episode is retconned a few episodes later.

8) I absolutely love how this pilot is structured like an old serial, with each act preceded by a chapter card, and ending with a cliffhanger.

What happens when you let a gun-obsessed outlaw go off
on rants about French impressionists and existentialism?
You get one of the show's most popular characters....

9) I know I have sung the praise of Christian Clemenson elsewhere--and I will do so here again. As Socrates Poole, Clemenson has taken what should have been the thankless role of the clueless sidekick/facilitator and given it a life and energy of its own. Poole is much more in the vein of the original John Watson, and not the Nigel Bruce version that I despise so much. His smarts are applied in ways that make him a vital part of the series. But then....

10) This is the charm of what Cuse and Boam have in mind with this series. Every one of the characters they've set up to be recurring is not who they seem to be, from Lord Bowler on down to Professor Wickwire. There are logical twists that make them resonate with modern themes while remaining true to the Wild West context of the show. And given how well the show is cast, it just adds fuel to the series' momentum.

In short....a brilliant pilot that allows us to have a done-in-one adventure if we choose to go no further...but sets up a wonderful world of pulp adventure and steampunk tomfoolery to explore in if we decide to go further.