Ten Statements About....FANTASTIC FOUR (2005)

"Okay...I'll do this...but only if I'm in a much better movie six
years from now..."

"You need to control yourself. Think before you act."

"Yeah, but see, that's your problem, Reed. You always think, you never act. What if we got these powers for a reason. What if it's for some higher purpose."

1) Here's a bit of heresy--I actually think that by putting Victor Von Doom in space with Richards and company, the script streamlines itself very well, doing away with the need for a second, separate origin story.

2) You know, I could buy the whole family angle a lot easier if a) the older sister didn't look younger than her kid brother and b) she wasn't, you know, obviously of Latino origin as opposed to her all-American looking brother...but then....

3) One of the biggest miscasts in this film--and miscasting is a key flaw in this movie as a whole--is entrusting the one of the central character (for the Reed/Sue/Doom triangle is the engine that drives the script) to an actress who's not only incapable of handling weighty emotional acting, but doesn't even seem to want to be bothered to act in this silly comic book movie. Yeah, you look cute in your skin-tight scuba suit, Ms. Alba...but no thanks.

4) On the other hand, Evans and Chiklis are magnificent in their roles. These two definitely have that grumpy, argumentative-but-affectionate chemistry Johnny and Ben have, and both have these little physical moments that make you believe they're fully invested in the film as a whole.

"Look, I don't care...they cast me because I'm the Flavor
of The Week, and you're stuck with me.  DEAL WITH IT!"

5) You know, not only is the whole 'Corporate Takeover of The Bad Guy's Company To Give Him Motivation' waaaay to similar to what Norman Osborne goes through in Spider-Man, I'd swear they use the same building for Victor's HQ that they used for Norman's townhouse.

6) Movie, I can buy the accident turning Victor Von Doom into some sort of ferro-organic being. I could even accept if, let's say, he used his genius to create an electromagnetic bolt thrower or something, and an exoskeleton to make him super-strong...but giving Doom electromagnetic powers and superstrength....that's a deal breaker. Doesn't help that you cast Julian MacMahon--a competent actor, but not competent enough to make this underwritten part work.

7) If you took all the coincidences and montages out of this film's second and third act...well, you wouldn't have a second or third act.

8) Okay, CGI...you can do effective 'flame guy' and 'invisible gal' tricks...how about we do something about how fake your 'stretchy guy' tricks are, because...well, Reed looks like a chew toy.

"If only this mask didn't make me look like I was perpetually
asking for cheese..."

9) While I acknowledge that jealousy plays a major part in the Doom/Richards dynamics in the comics, reducing Doom's motivation solely to jealousy in this film makes him come off as...well, small and petty...which I guess plays right into the whole 'Glorified TV Pilot' feel this movie just never can escape.

10) As much as I think MacMahon didn't have the skill set to handle Doom, making him come off as a glorified frat boy, I give him credit for the way he handles the use of his powers. The way he chooses to shoot his bolts from below the waist...it's the only time Doom feels like the royalty he's supposed to be.

Overall...as much as I didn't care for this film when I first saw it in the theaters, it really hasn't dated well. It never gives us the feeling that it deserves to be a movie, ending up nothing more than a TV Pilot with grander ambitions.